AGONY
I'm really fed up with all of this. I can't live like this anymore, I can't live, I can't live like this. Figuring out where I'm going to get the money, going to the then back home to smoke. Figuring out where to get the money and buying. Again and again.I actually hanged out at traffic lights, man, with guys giving me 4 k or 5 k, man.
And then I did something even more humiliating, which was to go knocking on doors and... begging for money. My mother stayed with me and my brother. And we're both addicted. It's like my father says, he says it hurts him to see the state we're in but it's our mother that really suffers, she's the one that has to put up with us day after day. My present relationship with my father consists of me popping up at his worka couple of times a week to ask him for money. When you've lived like this for seven or eight years, or nine, and then you stop, it's like... it's like a baby learning to walk again.
Do you have any horse left?
-
- Yeah.
We're not starting anything until you finish that horse.
Sure, sure.
No, that's settled, that's completely settled. You don't start until you've finished that horse, otherwise things might get messy...
This is your last dose?
I want to believe it is. Actually, I really believe so.
AGONY
It's not recording yet, is it?
One hour and 29 minutes.
But is it recording yet?
Everything?
Yes?
Yes, João.
João.
Fuck, I'm losing it, man, for fuck's sake man. The hell with this, I can't take this anymore.
I'm a piece of shit, that's what I am. I'm always hurting other people, man, always hurting other people.
When we spoke to the doctor earlier—
-
- Yes?
Didn't we agree that today, by the end of the afternoon, I'd pick you up and when you came here you'd stop taking it?
We didn't talk about that.
-
-We didn't?
No.
-
-Didn't the doctor turn to you and ask you if you were bringing any horse?
Yeah, but I didn't bring any horse.
I'm not getting into this with horse. When I was putting stuff away upstairs I opened that little box and I saw the tube and I went straight to the toilet to finish that shit.
Why would I want horse? Starting the treatment and still have horse? Do you think that I was planning
to save horse so that when I felt bad I could take some without you knowing?
Are you through with it once and for all or not?
Me? Of course I am.
You don't have any horse left?
-
- No horse left.
And you're through with it?
-
- I'm definitely through with it.
You've thrown it all away, you don't have any horse or anything else left?
Nothing. I have the box, but it's going in the trash, there's still an empty foil in it. But it's all going into the trash.
Like I didn't have the guts!
Day one.
I opened my eyes certain that I was in some strange place. But it didn't take long to realise that my reality hadn't changed; the first day of hangover lay ahead. The only thing that had really changed was the place I woke up in. Since I was still feeling okay, I took a shower, got dressed, and sat on the sofa, waiting for the hangover to break me apart.
How's it going?
Starting to feel tense, that's for sure...It's beginning to be tough...But I have to cope with it, no matter what...Oh shit, man. Fuck! Fuck!
Can I come in?
- Go ahead.
How're you doing, Pedro?
- Not so good.
My legs feel kind of weak, and I can't lie down; I get these spasms, and my arms ache. Muscle contractions, is that it? It's like, my legs are still, like this, and then there's a countdown and I have to stretch, I have to shift. My arms hurt, too. I can't sit still.
But your determination, your willpower, is everything--
Everything's fine in that department.
I think it's time to start thinking about life without...without having to take anything.Usually when I leave treatments I tend to begin to drink too much. The last time, when I went to Algarve, it was like that every day. I was working there, then I got another job, and it was like that every day. I drank a lot. Then the next day, same thing. If I went one day without drinking I felt...I felt out of control.
Your pulse is fine.
Fuck!
For fuck's sake what is this?
Oh shit. Man, what the fuck is this?
Shit, man. Fuck! What the fuck is this? Fuck, fuck, fuck! What am I supposed to do, man? Often you go back because you forget what you went through. After, say, 4 or 5 months, you don't remember the hangover, all you remember is it didn't feel so good for a couple of days. What you do remember is the good part of being high and all that.
So what do you do?
You use some more, and you say to yourself you can handle it. You tell yourself that, if you feel it's getting a grip on you, you'll stop. But that's bull, you won't stop. It's called heroin for some reason. You can't beat it.
How much did you make a day, hanging at the traffic lights?
One thousand an hour, more or less, on average.
How long ago?
Some 5 years ago, maybe 6. That time I told you that I got 4 k,I was just about to leave, I had 3 k already.
I was going but the light turned red and I thought "well, I'll do this last row",and on the very first car, 4 thousand. I left with 7 thousand .Then I stopped by a bakeryto get some dry cakes,and they gave me this box of really good cakes.
Are you feeling sick?
- Oh fuck!...Oh fuck. Why did I get into this? Why oh why?
You're doing okay, aren't you?
Yes dad, more or less... more or less.
You have to. Not "more or less", you have to give it all you've got.I could use a smoke.
Don't think about that.
Is this it? No Tramal?
No. Not unless you're in pain.
- You had a rough night, eh?
- Yeah, just the night.
I couldn't get any sleep because of the spasms in my legs. I felt a bit sick, with some vomiting and all that.
Apart from that it hasn't been too bad.
No pain in the kidneys or anything like that...
No anxiety?
During the day you were okay. Anxiety is one of the things that I--Usually the third day is the hardest.
This was your second, tomorrow things may get a bit more complicated. But nothing out of this world, anyway.
- Yeah, okay.
How old were you when you got on heroin?
Man, it was... at the end of 89, early 90, so I was almost 17.
You knew you could get addicted...?
Yes, but I never thought, I didn't imagine the pain could get that intense, you know? I thought being addicted meant that if I didn't smoke I'd think about it all the time, or something like that.I never thought it could actually make you ill and drive you insane, make you smash things and steal, to get the money. Maybe I would have thought twice...Maybe I would have thought twice. But it's such an adrenaline...
- It's a what?
-
- An adrenaline, man.
It's like you can't say no, you know? It's like, if you say no, you're...You're chickening out.Then you reach a point where you look up at the sky and you say: "God, why did I go there? Why?"If I went back now...I wouldn't stop until I was past 30. Or I'd become a criminalor some shit like that.
Life on the high wire. Either you die or you die.
Day two.
This night was definitely one of the longest in my life. It was as terrible as it was indescribable. It was like taking small electrical shocks every 30 seconds, making my muscles twitch. I call it the stretch-and-shrink.
As to the spirit, things are even more complicated. There's no way to stop your mind from wandering. It wasn't 10 days or 10 months. It was 10 years of nearly permanent anguish, fighting to stay alive. I went through a lot of tough and humiliating and dangerous situations. I did everything imaginable to get the money I needed to kill the pain.
Oh shit, man. Fucking legs! Fuck, I'm fed up with this shit! Fuck! Oh fuck, man! God damnit! For fuck's sake! Fuck this fuckin' shit! Fucking shitty nights, man. Fucking nights. I'm really getting fed up with this shit.What the fuck is this? What did I do to deserve this shit?
- Hi dad, it's me, Pedro.
-
<- Hi. So, how's it going?>
I'm calling you, first because I miss you and everyone else, and second because I wanted to make sure
that you're dropping by tomorrow.
Yes, I probably will. I'm planning to I just don't know the time yet,but I'm planning to.
- Okay.
<
Are you sleepy?>
No dad, the yawning isn't from the sleep, it's the hangover. Nights are a real bitch. Actually when I went to bed, I took the pills and fell asleep. But then I woke up in panic and I couldn't be still..Really, really bad. That's how it is, dad.
- Hang on in there. Kisses.
-
- Bye. Kisses.
I'm getting worse. Fuck me! Why did I get into this? I'm a complete jerk...Fucking stupid. Or a bloody moron, that's what I am, I never fucking learn.I'm fucking sick of this, fucking sick of this!This is stupid, man, this is so stupid...You know you'll go back, man.You know it's not gonna change.Fucking hell!I whish this shit would...Fuck! Fucking shit!...Fuck!
I want to get out of here, man. I'm fed up with being cooked up in here. Actually, that's not the real problem. Even if I wasn't in here, I still wouldn't stand it.If you knew what I feel like inside...
Tell me about it...
It's so weird, man...I feel irritated and anxious...Not anxious about anything in particular..It's like that Variações song. You only feel right where you're not, you only want to do what you don't, you know?
I know I don't want to be here, so I go downstairs. When I get there, I don't want to be there either. Everything gets on my nerves. And then... and then...I'm afraid I'm so fucked up I don't have the strength to......to lead a normal life. That really scares me. Because, I told you already,if I go back, that's it for me.
- But, you know--
- It's over.
- It's only natural to feel that way.- Next time I do it, it's the end, man.
-
- Hello.Well? Our boy is handling it well...?
Our friend here is holding on quite nicely.
Lots of stress, but holding on.
I have no choice...
Is it tough?
A bit.
Let's say, this isn't easy to measure,
but let's say that the medication
takes away
about 70% of your pain
and leaves you with 30%.
It hurts less but it's basically
like not taking anything.
The same symptoms but toned down.
- This is your 3rd day. 3rd? 4th?
- 3rd day.
From what I've heard,
this is as bad as it gets.
It starts to ease off from now on.
And keep this in mind:
touch it now and you throw away
all you've been through
and you're back on square one.
- Touch what?
- Heroin.
Oh, yeah.
Not even a smoke, you understand?
I know, I know.
Even if it's just a guy smoking
next to you and you give it a sniff.
Yep, that's all it takes.
That's all it takes to throw it all away.
It just strikes me sometimes...
It's like an urge.
You go back because of these impulses?
It gets stuck on my mind
and I can't stop thinking about it.
And I can say to myself it's wrong,
but I can't get any rest until I do it.
What would you say to an anti-urge,
something that blocks the craving?
This Antaxon, for example,
kills that sudden impulse.
With this, you have time to think.
Because if you go right away,
the stuff won't have any effect.
Yeah, that's it.
My problem is I'm too unsteady.
I can be fine for months, without even
thinking about the stuff, and then,
all of a sudden, it's like...
like I take on a different personality
or something.
The first step into taming the beast
is knowing it's there.
And then you need the willpower,
because that's the only power
you have to control it.
- It's a decision you have to make.
- Yep, that's it. It's all in your hands.
What you're doing,
what you tend to call 'the cure',
is far from being a cure.
You do know that?
Yeah.
The cure comes later.
Hurts, does it?
Pedro, tell me, does it hurt
when I touch you?
Not at all?
Move over a bit. Like that.
I never had any veins.
- And this?
- That too.
From the stuff?
Hematoma, like the rest of these holes.
That's why I stopped using needles.
Did you ever shoot on your legs?
On the legs, no. On my feet...
and one time in my genitals.
Well, physically
you seem to be all right.
Day Three. One more night
I wouldn't like to remember,
and I'm feeling more and more uneasy.
I can't stay put, every bit of talk
gets on my nerves,
and I just feel like walking out
and saying the hell with it.
I'm starting to feel tired
and every single thing annoys me.
My soul hurts and I don't know
how to heal it.
The thought of starting a normal,
active life in a few days
is starting to scare me.
I'm tired of failure.
Maybe I'm going mad, maybe I'm not.
What will it take to get back
my health and dignity?
I don't know and I'm scared.
Fuck, I can see it,
I can see where this is going.
Another mother fucking night.
Just my fucking luck.
I can't stand this anymore...
I'm really, really getting fed up with this.
You're looking good, man.
Yeah.
- How are you feeling today?
- So-so.
- A bit tired and worn-out.
- That's normal.
Yesterday I had this anxiety attack,
all I wanted to do was get out of here.
I kept thinking I had to go out
and have a drink.
That's a thing you have that I've always
tried to fight.
- I know dad.
- I don't think it does any good.
- It doesn't do any good, but it helps.
- It might seem so but--
It doesn't just seem, dad... it helps me
to cope with the anxiety.
Pedro, this is the same as using drugs.
If someone takes drugs
it's because it makes him feel good,
but it doesn't do him any good.
It's the same.
But I'm not an alcoholic.
Granted.
It's not a matter of being an alcoholic.
You're doing a disintoxication
and recovery treatment,
and drinking alcohol at this stage
definitely wouldn't help.
Yeah, I know.
The doctor was here yesterday
and he told me so,
but I just couldn't get it off my mind,
and today I'm gonna do it.
I'm telling you.
It's time for your afternoon pills.
No, not today.
I want to have a few drinks.
- You want to have a few drinks?
- Yes.
- But I don't want you to.
- And I don't want to take the pills.
Not wanting to take the pills is one thing.
But I don't want you to have any drinks.
- We have a bit of a problem here.
- What problem?
- I want to have a drink.
- There you go again.
I've had this on my mind
for two days now.
Whatever...
I'm going to have a drink.
No you're not, Pedro,
you're not going to drink any alcohol.
- Yes, yes, yes I am.
- With the pills you're taking,
if you mix alcohol with those--
- I only took one dose--
There's no way of telling
what could happen.
Does it grieve you to see
both your sons with this problem?
Of course it does, of course...
and I've been living
with that for years now.
And why do you choose to
give them money, Mr. Gilberto?
As you know, some parents don't.
I'm not going to defend my
attitude in this matter.
I'm not sure if it is the right thing
to do myself.
But anyway, if I don't give them anything,
they'll probably get in trouble,
or they'll go around begging
or stealing or something like that.
I've tried to keep that from happening,
on one hand, and on the other hand
I've always hoped that...
some day they'll actually manage
a full recovery.
And get back on track,
and lead a sensible life.
It's hard for me to understand
how can someone,
be it Pedro or Armando
or someone else,
live in pain like that.
Because that's what it's like, with the
addiction and the hardship and all that.
Needing the money, and being in some
tricky situations and all that.
They get well, at least physically,
and they're well for a month,
two months, three, four,
and then they go back.
And that, for me...
It's very painful to see them go through
that again and again.
But what is a man to do?
It's very complicated...
very complicated.
I'm losing it, man, I'm losing it.
On the inside this feels like...
I don't know...
If I could get it off, but I can't...
I just can't.
I don't know, man, I'm...
Fuck, man, what is this?
What the hell is this?
Day eight.
For four days I couldn't stand
to do anything.
One more day is finally over,
and I know that, with each one,
I get better, especially physically.
Because my head feels like a time
bomb.
You want explanations?
I can't give you any.
- Pedro, ready?
- Ready.
Since we started the treatment,
you never touched heroin?
No.
- We can be sure about that?
- Absolutely. Since Wednesday the 10th.
- Not even a smoke? Nothing?
- Nothing at all.
Wednesday the 10th, was it?
Tuesday night was the last time I used it.
So, Tuesday the 9th, at night.
Two sips, Pedro, two sips.
That's not whisky.
Okay.
The last remnants of heroin
in your body have just disappeared.
Do you feel like writing,
or do you want me to?
No, I'll do it.
Then start, "I, Pedro such and such..."
You want to read it out loud?
Come on.
- I can read it.
- For posterity.
"I, Pedro Miguel Vargas de Oliveira
Quatorze,
at twenty seven years of age,
hereby declare that I give Dr. João Goulão
my permission to prescribe me Naltraxon and Antaxon
as a support to my treatment for heroin addiction.
I confirm that I've been informed that,
should I increase the heroin doses
and go beyond the protection range
of this medicine,
I'll be exposed to serious risks,
namely that of an overdose.
I accept this medication
of my own free will."
- Well, Pedro... You don't feel a thing...
- Come on, one more sip.
One more sip...
Might as well finish it.
Feeling hot?
- Feeling hot?
- Yep.
- Hot feeling is gone?
- Yes.
It's working.
Pedro, I think you're entitled to feel happy
and proud of yourself right now,
because things didn't go badly.
- Not badly at all.
Does that medicine have anything
to do with methadone?
Nothing at all. Actually you could say
it's the exact opposite.
With methadone you don't get
the hangover, etc..
He could have stopped with the heroin
and started on methadone with no pain.
But there's no hit from methadone,
I mean, it doesn't give you the rush
and it doesn't alter your perception
of reality, like heroin does.
Naltraxon is exactly the opposite,
it blocks the opiates.
Right now you're safe from temptation.
From the urges we spoke
of the other day.
Now I have a priority
which is to get my teeth fixed.
That's one of the things
that make me feel a bit insecure.
Of course.
I'm going to really focus on that.
I think that's great. It's great
to have short-term objectives.
When I start to think of things
in the long run..
it's all too far away,
you have to have these--
- A small goal.
- That's it.
That's one. In a week you'll have
another one,
which is dealing with going back to work.
Getting ready for the way
things will be from now.
I've worked with drug users
whose mouths were in much
worse shape,
and there was nothing I could use.
In Pedro's case we can still
recover a lot.
It's not that bad, but it is bad.
For most addicts the main priority
is to get their teeth fixed
so that they can look good
and get a job...
You know, to have a normal,
confident social life.
It gets your self-esteem up,
and after that...
It all boils down to self-esteem.
- Come on in, come on in.
- You look taller.
- Huh?
- You look taller.
It must be the boots.
So... you look good, and to think...
- I took some Antaxon today.
- I know, João told me.
And I've started to get my teeth fixed,
I had them cleaned today.
Well, son, now you need to get some
sense into your head.
- I know, mom.
- It's over...
It's a new life now.
I'm going to have a completely
new life, see?
I'm not going back to Amadora.
- That doesn't doesn't matter.
- I know it doesn't.
It's hard to deal with it.
No, actually it isn't.
It was, the other times,
but now I know I'm right.
I can't go back there.
Can't go back at all, right, son?
There's only one road
and it leads to death and nowhere else.
I know that, mom, but look,
at least I'm trying, right?
- What?
- At least I keep on trying.
- No, you're not. Now you know.
- Right. This time...
You have to take that in.
It's over and it has to stay that way.
You have to eat well,
with all that medicine.
- You're looking plumper.
- I'm much better now--
You're a lot fatter,
you're looking much better...
For a couple of days I didn't eat
anything. I wasn't hungry.
God, you were so skinny. You look great.
- You know, Pedro is really quite well.
- Yes, he's looking great.
He doesn't even look like the same
person...
doesn't even look like it's him.
Do you feel happy?
Very much so. You have no idea.
When I get home I'm going to start
crying, you know, with joy.
I'm glad for you, then.
It's a good sign.
As soon as I saw him,
I thought it just didn't look like him.
Mom, don't you want some biscuits,
or something?
No, son, I don't want anything.
- A cup of tea?
- No, not for me.
I feel like I've already had dinner,
just from seeing you.
You're picking the best one?
Yep... this one here.
"To my son Pedro Miguel
with lots of love..."
Keep doing things right, son.
- Everything will turn out fine.
- It's the last chance you've got.
Now... now I'll take the Antaxon
every day,
even if I have to take it
for five or ten years,
as long as it doesn't do any harm.
And then I'll get a job
and I'll start a new life.
I'm not going back to Amadora.
Amadora never again...
never again.
This is your break in life, son.
You can thank the Lord...
I've prayed so much.
I know, mom.
I never know, when I get home,
if your brother is well or not.
Every single time.
Now I don't need to worry so much
about you...
Everything will be fine. Rest easy.
- It has to.
- Relax.
- You have to keep that in your mind.
- I know, my mind is set. Okay?
Want me to help you stand up?
- Take it easy, don't worry.
- I think about you, I do...
Last day.
Who am I, what am I really?
I'm really not sure.
It was a roller-coaster of feelings
that utterly mixed up the meaning of life.
I'm starting to feel that it's time to pay my
dues if I want to go on with my life.
And that's it.
That's what went through my soul
during my hangover times here,
in this room, in this house.
Was it worth it? It was.
It is. It's always worth it...
It's definitely worth it
to be free from drugs.
Life is hard for everyone,
but problems don't go away.
You get high, but it's over soon
and all the problems are still there,
and sooner or later
you have to face them.
That much you can be sure of.
Don't do drugs. Look at me.
I have to start from scratch.
Tell your buddies to go to hell.
It's not fucking worth it, man,
it's not worth it.
You get a few hours of fun
and you lose years of your life...
It's not worth it.
I've lost a great deal...
I've lost a lot...
but life goes on
and I have to carry myself.
You have to learn to like yourself
a little better.
Life goes on and the way to go
is straight ahead.
That's what I wanted to say.
Pedro hasn't used any heroin since
October 10th.
He started working again and lives
in a rented room.
Coping with the withdrawal is the
hardest struggle.
In most cases, disintoxication can be
done at home within a week.
That's when the hardest part begins.
That's the war Pedro is fighting now.
To win it, he must beat a part of himself.
I'm really fed up with all of this. I can't live like this anymore, I can't live, I can't live like this. Figuring out where I'm going to get the money, going to the then back home to smoke. Figuring out where to get the money and buying. Again and again.I actually hanged out at traffic lights, man, with guys giving me 4 k or 5 k, man.
And then I did something even more humiliating, which was to go knocking on doors and... begging for money. My mother stayed with me and my brother. And we're both addicted. It's like my father says, he says it hurts him to see the state we're in but it's our mother that really suffers, she's the one that has to put up with us day after day. My present relationship with my father consists of me popping up at his worka couple of times a week to ask him for money. When you've lived like this for seven or eight years, or nine, and then you stop, it's like... it's like a baby learning to walk again.
Do you have any horse left?
-
- Yeah.
We're not starting anything until you finish that horse.
Sure, sure.
No, that's settled, that's completely settled. You don't start until you've finished that horse, otherwise things might get messy...
This is your last dose?
I want to believe it is. Actually, I really believe so.
AGONY
It's not recording yet, is it?
One hour and 29 minutes.
But is it recording yet?
Everything?
Yes?
Yes, João.
João.
Fuck, I'm losing it, man, for fuck's sake man. The hell with this, I can't take this anymore.
I'm a piece of shit, that's what I am. I'm always hurting other people, man, always hurting other people.
When we spoke to the doctor earlier—
-
- Yes?
Didn't we agree that today, by the end of the afternoon, I'd pick you up and when you came here you'd stop taking it?
We didn't talk about that.
-
-We didn't?
No.
-
-Didn't the doctor turn to you and ask you if you were bringing any horse?
Yeah, but I didn't bring any horse.
I'm not getting into this with horse. When I was putting stuff away upstairs I opened that little box and I saw the tube and I went straight to the toilet to finish that shit.
Why would I want horse? Starting the treatment and still have horse? Do you think that I was planning
to save horse so that when I felt bad I could take some without you knowing?
Are you through with it once and for all or not?
Me? Of course I am.
You don't have any horse left?
-
- No horse left.
And you're through with it?
-
- I'm definitely through with it.
You've thrown it all away, you don't have any horse or anything else left?
Nothing. I have the box, but it's going in the trash, there's still an empty foil in it. But it's all going into the trash.
Like I didn't have the guts!
Day one.
I opened my eyes certain that I was in some strange place. But it didn't take long to realise that my reality hadn't changed; the first day of hangover lay ahead. The only thing that had really changed was the place I woke up in. Since I was still feeling okay, I took a shower, got dressed, and sat on the sofa, waiting for the hangover to break me apart.
How's it going?
Starting to feel tense, that's for sure...It's beginning to be tough...But I have to cope with it, no matter what...Oh shit, man. Fuck! Fuck!
Can I come in?
- Go ahead.
How're you doing, Pedro?
- Not so good.
My legs feel kind of weak, and I can't lie down; I get these spasms, and my arms ache. Muscle contractions, is that it? It's like, my legs are still, like this, and then there's a countdown and I have to stretch, I have to shift. My arms hurt, too. I can't sit still.
But your determination, your willpower, is everything--
Everything's fine in that department.
I think it's time to start thinking about life without...without having to take anything.Usually when I leave treatments I tend to begin to drink too much. The last time, when I went to Algarve, it was like that every day. I was working there, then I got another job, and it was like that every day. I drank a lot. Then the next day, same thing. If I went one day without drinking I felt...I felt out of control.
Your pulse is fine.
Fuck!
For fuck's sake what is this?
Oh shit. Man, what the fuck is this?
Shit, man. Fuck! What the fuck is this? Fuck, fuck, fuck! What am I supposed to do, man? Often you go back because you forget what you went through. After, say, 4 or 5 months, you don't remember the hangover, all you remember is it didn't feel so good for a couple of days. What you do remember is the good part of being high and all that.
So what do you do?
You use some more, and you say to yourself you can handle it. You tell yourself that, if you feel it's getting a grip on you, you'll stop. But that's bull, you won't stop. It's called heroin for some reason. You can't beat it.
How much did you make a day, hanging at the traffic lights?
One thousand an hour, more or less, on average.
How long ago?
Some 5 years ago, maybe 6. That time I told you that I got 4 k,I was just about to leave, I had 3 k already.
I was going but the light turned red and I thought "well, I'll do this last row",and on the very first car, 4 thousand. I left with 7 thousand .Then I stopped by a bakeryto get some dry cakes,and they gave me this box of really good cakes.
Are you feeling sick?
- Oh fuck!...Oh fuck. Why did I get into this? Why oh why?
You're doing okay, aren't you?
Yes dad, more or less... more or less.
You have to. Not "more or less", you have to give it all you've got.I could use a smoke.
Don't think about that.
Is this it? No Tramal?
No. Not unless you're in pain.
- You had a rough night, eh?
- Yeah, just the night.
I couldn't get any sleep because of the spasms in my legs. I felt a bit sick, with some vomiting and all that.
Apart from that it hasn't been too bad.
No pain in the kidneys or anything like that...
No anxiety?
During the day you were okay. Anxiety is one of the things that I--Usually the third day is the hardest.
This was your second, tomorrow things may get a bit more complicated. But nothing out of this world, anyway.
- Yeah, okay.
How old were you when you got on heroin?
Man, it was... at the end of 89, early 90, so I was almost 17.
You knew you could get addicted...?
Yes, but I never thought, I didn't imagine the pain could get that intense, you know? I thought being addicted meant that if I didn't smoke I'd think about it all the time, or something like that.I never thought it could actually make you ill and drive you insane, make you smash things and steal, to get the money. Maybe I would have thought twice...Maybe I would have thought twice. But it's such an adrenaline...
- It's a what?
-
- An adrenaline, man.
It's like you can't say no, you know? It's like, if you say no, you're...You're chickening out.Then you reach a point where you look up at the sky and you say: "God, why did I go there? Why?"If I went back now...I wouldn't stop until I was past 30. Or I'd become a criminalor some shit like that.
Life on the high wire. Either you die or you die.
Day two.
This night was definitely one of the longest in my life. It was as terrible as it was indescribable. It was like taking small electrical shocks every 30 seconds, making my muscles twitch. I call it the stretch-and-shrink.
As to the spirit, things are even more complicated. There's no way to stop your mind from wandering. It wasn't 10 days or 10 months. It was 10 years of nearly permanent anguish, fighting to stay alive. I went through a lot of tough and humiliating and dangerous situations. I did everything imaginable to get the money I needed to kill the pain.
Oh shit, man. Fucking legs! Fuck, I'm fed up with this shit! Fuck! Oh fuck, man! God damnit! For fuck's sake! Fuck this fuckin' shit! Fucking shitty nights, man. Fucking nights. I'm really getting fed up with this shit.What the fuck is this? What did I do to deserve this shit?
- Hi dad, it's me, Pedro.
-
<- Hi. So, how's it going?>
I'm calling you, first because I miss you and everyone else, and second because I wanted to make sure
that you're dropping by tomorrow.
Yes, I probably will. I'm planning to I just don't know the time yet,but I'm planning to.
- Okay.
<
Are you sleepy?>
No dad, the yawning isn't from the sleep, it's the hangover. Nights are a real bitch. Actually when I went to bed, I took the pills and fell asleep. But then I woke up in panic and I couldn't be still..Really, really bad. That's how it is, dad.
- Hang on in there. Kisses.
-
- Bye. Kisses.
I'm getting worse. Fuck me! Why did I get into this? I'm a complete jerk...Fucking stupid. Or a bloody moron, that's what I am, I never fucking learn.I'm fucking sick of this, fucking sick of this!This is stupid, man, this is so stupid...You know you'll go back, man.You know it's not gonna change.Fucking hell!I whish this shit would...Fuck! Fucking shit!...Fuck!
I want to get out of here, man. I'm fed up with being cooked up in here. Actually, that's not the real problem. Even if I wasn't in here, I still wouldn't stand it.If you knew what I feel like inside...
Tell me about it...
It's so weird, man...I feel irritated and anxious...Not anxious about anything in particular..It's like that Variações song. You only feel right where you're not, you only want to do what you don't, you know?
I know I don't want to be here, so I go downstairs. When I get there, I don't want to be there either. Everything gets on my nerves. And then... and then...I'm afraid I'm so fucked up I don't have the strength to......to lead a normal life. That really scares me. Because, I told you already,if I go back, that's it for me.
- But, you know--
- It's over.
- It's only natural to feel that way.- Next time I do it, it's the end, man.
-
- Hello.Well? Our boy is handling it well...?
Our friend here is holding on quite nicely.
Lots of stress, but holding on.
I have no choice...
Is it tough?
A bit.
Let's say, this isn't easy to measure,
but let's say that the medication
takes away
about 70% of your pain
and leaves you with 30%.
It hurts less but it's basically
like not taking anything.
The same symptoms but toned down.
- This is your 3rd day. 3rd? 4th?
- 3rd day.
From what I've heard,
this is as bad as it gets.
It starts to ease off from now on.
And keep this in mind:
touch it now and you throw away
all you've been through
and you're back on square one.
- Touch what?
- Heroin.
Oh, yeah.
Not even a smoke, you understand?
I know, I know.
Even if it's just a guy smoking
next to you and you give it a sniff.
Yep, that's all it takes.
That's all it takes to throw it all away.
It just strikes me sometimes...
It's like an urge.
You go back because of these impulses?
It gets stuck on my mind
and I can't stop thinking about it.
And I can say to myself it's wrong,
but I can't get any rest until I do it.
What would you say to an anti-urge,
something that blocks the craving?
This Antaxon, for example,
kills that sudden impulse.
With this, you have time to think.
Because if you go right away,
the stuff won't have any effect.
Yeah, that's it.
My problem is I'm too unsteady.
I can be fine for months, without even
thinking about the stuff, and then,
all of a sudden, it's like...
like I take on a different personality
or something.
The first step into taming the beast
is knowing it's there.
And then you need the willpower,
because that's the only power
you have to control it.
- It's a decision you have to make.
- Yep, that's it. It's all in your hands.
What you're doing,
what you tend to call 'the cure',
is far from being a cure.
You do know that?
Yeah.
The cure comes later.
Hurts, does it?
Pedro, tell me, does it hurt
when I touch you?
Not at all?
Move over a bit. Like that.
I never had any veins.
- And this?
- That too.
From the stuff?
Hematoma, like the rest of these holes.
That's why I stopped using needles.
Did you ever shoot on your legs?
On the legs, no. On my feet...
and one time in my genitals.
Well, physically
you seem to be all right.
Day Three. One more night
I wouldn't like to remember,
and I'm feeling more and more uneasy.
I can't stay put, every bit of talk
gets on my nerves,
and I just feel like walking out
and saying the hell with it.
I'm starting to feel tired
and every single thing annoys me.
My soul hurts and I don't know
how to heal it.
The thought of starting a normal,
active life in a few days
is starting to scare me.
I'm tired of failure.
Maybe I'm going mad, maybe I'm not.
What will it take to get back
my health and dignity?
I don't know and I'm scared.
Fuck, I can see it,
I can see where this is going.
Another mother fucking night.
Just my fucking luck.
I can't stand this anymore...
I'm really, really getting fed up with this.
You're looking good, man.
Yeah.
- How are you feeling today?
- So-so.
- A bit tired and worn-out.
- That's normal.
Yesterday I had this anxiety attack,
all I wanted to do was get out of here.
I kept thinking I had to go out
and have a drink.
That's a thing you have that I've always
tried to fight.
- I know dad.
- I don't think it does any good.
- It doesn't do any good, but it helps.
- It might seem so but--
It doesn't just seem, dad... it helps me
to cope with the anxiety.
Pedro, this is the same as using drugs.
If someone takes drugs
it's because it makes him feel good,
but it doesn't do him any good.
It's the same.
But I'm not an alcoholic.
Granted.
It's not a matter of being an alcoholic.
You're doing a disintoxication
and recovery treatment,
and drinking alcohol at this stage
definitely wouldn't help.
Yeah, I know.
The doctor was here yesterday
and he told me so,
but I just couldn't get it off my mind,
and today I'm gonna do it.
I'm telling you.
It's time for your afternoon pills.
No, not today.
I want to have a few drinks.
- You want to have a few drinks?
- Yes.
- But I don't want you to.
- And I don't want to take the pills.
Not wanting to take the pills is one thing.
But I don't want you to have any drinks.
- We have a bit of a problem here.
- What problem?
- I want to have a drink.
- There you go again.
I've had this on my mind
for two days now.
Whatever...
I'm going to have a drink.
No you're not, Pedro,
you're not going to drink any alcohol.
- Yes, yes, yes I am.
- With the pills you're taking,
if you mix alcohol with those--
- I only took one dose--
There's no way of telling
what could happen.
Does it grieve you to see
both your sons with this problem?
Of course it does, of course...
and I've been living
with that for years now.
And why do you choose to
give them money, Mr. Gilberto?
As you know, some parents don't.
I'm not going to defend my
attitude in this matter.
I'm not sure if it is the right thing
to do myself.
But anyway, if I don't give them anything,
they'll probably get in trouble,
or they'll go around begging
or stealing or something like that.
I've tried to keep that from happening,
on one hand, and on the other hand
I've always hoped that...
some day they'll actually manage
a full recovery.
And get back on track,
and lead a sensible life.
It's hard for me to understand
how can someone,
be it Pedro or Armando
or someone else,
live in pain like that.
Because that's what it's like, with the
addiction and the hardship and all that.
Needing the money, and being in some
tricky situations and all that.
They get well, at least physically,
and they're well for a month,
two months, three, four,
and then they go back.
And that, for me...
It's very painful to see them go through
that again and again.
But what is a man to do?
It's very complicated...
very complicated.
I'm losing it, man, I'm losing it.
On the inside this feels like...
I don't know...
If I could get it off, but I can't...
I just can't.
I don't know, man, I'm...
Fuck, man, what is this?
What the hell is this?
Day eight.
For four days I couldn't stand
to do anything.
One more day is finally over,
and I know that, with each one,
I get better, especially physically.
Because my head feels like a time
bomb.
You want explanations?
I can't give you any.
- Pedro, ready?
- Ready.
Since we started the treatment,
you never touched heroin?
No.
- We can be sure about that?
- Absolutely. Since Wednesday the 10th.
- Not even a smoke? Nothing?
- Nothing at all.
Wednesday the 10th, was it?
Tuesday night was the last time I used it.
So, Tuesday the 9th, at night.
Two sips, Pedro, two sips.
That's not whisky.
Okay.
The last remnants of heroin
in your body have just disappeared.
Do you feel like writing,
or do you want me to?
No, I'll do it.
Then start, "I, Pedro such and such..."
You want to read it out loud?
Come on.
- I can read it.
- For posterity.
"I, Pedro Miguel Vargas de Oliveira
Quatorze,
at twenty seven years of age,
hereby declare that I give Dr. João Goulão
my permission to prescribe me Naltraxon and Antaxon
as a support to my treatment for heroin addiction.
I confirm that I've been informed that,
should I increase the heroin doses
and go beyond the protection range
of this medicine,
I'll be exposed to serious risks,
namely that of an overdose.
I accept this medication
of my own free will."
- Well, Pedro... You don't feel a thing...
- Come on, one more sip.
One more sip...
Might as well finish it.
Feeling hot?
- Feeling hot?
- Yep.
- Hot feeling is gone?
- Yes.
It's working.
Pedro, I think you're entitled to feel happy
and proud of yourself right now,
because things didn't go badly.
- Not badly at all.
Does that medicine have anything
to do with methadone?
Nothing at all. Actually you could say
it's the exact opposite.
With methadone you don't get
the hangover, etc..
He could have stopped with the heroin
and started on methadone with no pain.
But there's no hit from methadone,
I mean, it doesn't give you the rush
and it doesn't alter your perception
of reality, like heroin does.
Naltraxon is exactly the opposite,
it blocks the opiates.
Right now you're safe from temptation.
From the urges we spoke
of the other day.
Now I have a priority
which is to get my teeth fixed.
That's one of the things
that make me feel a bit insecure.
Of course.
I'm going to really focus on that.
I think that's great. It's great
to have short-term objectives.
When I start to think of things
in the long run..
it's all too far away,
you have to have these--
- A small goal.
- That's it.
That's one. In a week you'll have
another one,
which is dealing with going back to work.
Getting ready for the way
things will be from now.
I've worked with drug users
whose mouths were in much
worse shape,
and there was nothing I could use.
In Pedro's case we can still
recover a lot.
It's not that bad, but it is bad.
For most addicts the main priority
is to get their teeth fixed
so that they can look good
and get a job...
You know, to have a normal,
confident social life.
It gets your self-esteem up,
and after that...
It all boils down to self-esteem.
- Come on in, come on in.
- You look taller.
- Huh?
- You look taller.
It must be the boots.
So... you look good, and to think...
- I took some Antaxon today.
- I know, João told me.
And I've started to get my teeth fixed,
I had them cleaned today.
Well, son, now you need to get some
sense into your head.
- I know, mom.
- It's over...
It's a new life now.
I'm going to have a completely
new life, see?
I'm not going back to Amadora.
- That doesn't doesn't matter.
- I know it doesn't.
It's hard to deal with it.
No, actually it isn't.
It was, the other times,
but now I know I'm right.
I can't go back there.
Can't go back at all, right, son?
There's only one road
and it leads to death and nowhere else.
I know that, mom, but look,
at least I'm trying, right?
- What?
- At least I keep on trying.
- No, you're not. Now you know.
- Right. This time...
You have to take that in.
It's over and it has to stay that way.
You have to eat well,
with all that medicine.
- You're looking plumper.
- I'm much better now--
You're a lot fatter,
you're looking much better...
For a couple of days I didn't eat
anything. I wasn't hungry.
God, you were so skinny. You look great.
- You know, Pedro is really quite well.
- Yes, he's looking great.
He doesn't even look like the same
person...
doesn't even look like it's him.
Do you feel happy?
Very much so. You have no idea.
When I get home I'm going to start
crying, you know, with joy.
I'm glad for you, then.
It's a good sign.
As soon as I saw him,
I thought it just didn't look like him.
Mom, don't you want some biscuits,
or something?
No, son, I don't want anything.
- A cup of tea?
- No, not for me.
I feel like I've already had dinner,
just from seeing you.
You're picking the best one?
Yep... this one here.
"To my son Pedro Miguel
with lots of love..."
Keep doing things right, son.
- Everything will turn out fine.
- It's the last chance you've got.
Now... now I'll take the Antaxon
every day,
even if I have to take it
for five or ten years,
as long as it doesn't do any harm.
And then I'll get a job
and I'll start a new life.
I'm not going back to Amadora.
Amadora never again...
never again.
This is your break in life, son.
You can thank the Lord...
I've prayed so much.
I know, mom.
I never know, when I get home,
if your brother is well or not.
Every single time.
Now I don't need to worry so much
about you...
Everything will be fine. Rest easy.
- It has to.
- Relax.
- You have to keep that in your mind.
- I know, my mind is set. Okay?
Want me to help you stand up?
- Take it easy, don't worry.
- I think about you, I do...
Last day.
Who am I, what am I really?
I'm really not sure.
It was a roller-coaster of feelings
that utterly mixed up the meaning of life.
I'm starting to feel that it's time to pay my
dues if I want to go on with my life.
And that's it.
That's what went through my soul
during my hangover times here,
in this room, in this house.
Was it worth it? It was.
It is. It's always worth it...
It's definitely worth it
to be free from drugs.
Life is hard for everyone,
but problems don't go away.
You get high, but it's over soon
and all the problems are still there,
and sooner or later
you have to face them.
That much you can be sure of.
Don't do drugs. Look at me.
I have to start from scratch.
Tell your buddies to go to hell.
It's not fucking worth it, man,
it's not worth it.
You get a few hours of fun
and you lose years of your life...
It's not worth it.
I've lost a great deal...
I've lost a lot...
but life goes on
and I have to carry myself.
You have to learn to like yourself
a little better.
Life goes on and the way to go
is straight ahead.
That's what I wanted to say.
Pedro hasn't used any heroin since
October 10th.
He started working again and lives
in a rented room.
Coping with the withdrawal is the
hardest struggle.
In most cases, disintoxication can be
done at home within a week.
That's when the hardest part begins.
That's the war Pedro is fighting now.
To win it, he must beat a part of himself.