(Footage of Zu and A.J playing with children and Hills hoist)
CHILD: OK. My turn!
ZU WHITE: Ready? One, two, go! Watch your head. OK.

ZU WHITE: If I was to pick somebody to be the father of my children, A.J.’s definitely exactly what I would have ordered. He is committed, he’s devoted, he’s very easy to work with.

A.J. KEARNS: Becoming a father was a very instinctual thing. I just felt completely at ease with it from the very beginning. I definitely would consider myself a family man. It’s my highest priority, out of everything.

ZU WHITE: A.J. and I have been honest with the children about where they’re from; the truth about their father. I don’t know that they understand it completely, but they do understand which tummy they came from. They don’t really consider that there’s any difference. There’s Mummy and there’s Daddy and one came from Daddy’s tummy and one came from Mummy’s tummy.

A.J. KEARNS: So before getting pregnant, I had the thought that I wanted to document the process of my body's transformation over the next few years and approached an artist whose work I really respected.

ALISON BENNETT, PHOTOGRAPHER: The opportunity to be involved with a project like this comes along very rarely in a lifetime.

(Footage of Alison and A.J. in alley. Alison sets up photographic equipment)
A.J. KEARNS: Awesome. OK.
ALISON BENNETT, PHOTOGRAPHER: OK. So if you just want to stand in position while I...
A.J. KEARNS: Yeah.
ALISON BENNETT, PHOTOGRAPHER: ...get the focus and exposure worked out. Shoulders around. Good.

A.J. KEARNS: I understand my story may seem confusing to some people. I see it as quite a simple thing. My body was blessed with the ability to provide life. I had the capacity to bear a child. And I am a man. And that would be very confronting to a lot of people.

(Hope video footage of Vicky Anne Kearns as a teenager playing violin)
VICKY ANNE KEARNS: Just for the record, this is 'Sleep Song.' Alright? And I shall play it.
(Footage ends)

A.J. KEARNS: I was christened Vicky Anne.

BELINDA BETTS, FAMILY FRIEND: Vicky was such a little tomboy, right from the beginning. Vicky would always want to be sort of playing outside, running around the backyard, putting sticks together, playing with mud pies.

A.J. KEARNS: We were raised going to church twice on Sundays and saying grace and praying about everything. When I got to around 15, 16 and realised I was attracted to women, of course that became problematic.

BELINDA BETTS, FAMILY FRIEND: I think it was very hard for Vicky to come out to her parents. Vicky’s parents, mum and dad, are devout very Christians, so Pentecostal Church.

A.J. KEARNS: My Mum was quite distressed and upset at the time over what she considered a lifestyle choice. And so I moved out of home sort of shortly thereafter.

BELINDA BETTS, FAMILY FRIEND: Obviously she wasn’t happy in her own skin and I think when you’ve been in sort of a very strict background and people are telling you, "No, no. You can’t do this. This is wrong," I think it’s just inevitable that you sort of completely go the polar opposite.

A.J. KEARNS: I think I started taking drugs in my early adult life as a form of escapism and had quite a few scares where I thought, "Oh God, this is going to kill me if I don’t change this."

BELINDA BETTS, FAMILY FRIEND: Vicky I think was on a downhill spiral, so felt she really needed the security of moving back home.

A.J. KEARNS: I got back involved with the church and made the decision to start conversion therapy. So essentially, in conversion therapy you are not to act on urges and pray and basically attempt to, you know, be attracted to... you know, a heterosexual lifestyle.

DR FINTAN HARTE, PSYCHIATRIST: Well, telling somebody that it can be cured by prayer is clearly nonsense and can be extremely damaging. It can damage people’s self-confidence, increase their distress, cause depression, lead to suicidal ideation.

BELINDA BETTS, FAMILY FRIEND: Emotionally, Vicky was going through turmoil: trying to keep it to herself to please the family, because this is what they wanted for her - but it was killing her.

A.J. KEARNS: You're kind of in this kind of eternal spiral of negativity, really, because you are trying to change some core element of yourself that you have no control over and you can’t change. So, you know, it’s a very confusing process. I went to conversion therapy for a number of years and basically, at the end of all of that, it didn’t work. Art really saved me.

(Footage of Vicky Anne receiving degree at university graduation ceremony)

A.J. KEARNS: It helped get me off the drugs and really tidied up my life and gave me a focus and a passion. I also went on to do my Masters and become a curator.

ZU WHITE: I met A.J. in Melbourne in 2005. Physically, A.J. was still presenting as female - and a very attractive female - but I was also drawn to A.J.’s personality. A.J. was very dynamic and interesting, which drew me in. You would have to be drawn into that.

A.J. KEARNS: I was pretty quickly smitten (laughs) and wanted to just spend every waking second with her.

(Home video footage of A.J. and Zu's civil partnership ceremony, 2008)

ZU WHITE: I asked A.J. to marry me because I was in love with AJ. I wanted to spend my life with A.J.

CELEBRANT (2008): Confirm their love and strength of commitment to each other. This bond will continue to strengthen and grow through their years together.

A.J. KEARNS: So it took a few years, but my parents did come around. When I first told them that Zu and I were having a commitment ceremony, were not overly thrilled.

BELINDA BETTS, FAMILY FRIEND: It was just lovely to see A.J. get walked down the aisle by her dad. And A.J.’s mum was instrumental in helping make the wedding dress and it was stunning.

ZU WHITE: So when I saw A.J. in that wedding dress, I had no idea what was going on for A.J. because there were no signs for me. I felt like I was marrying this incredibly stunning woman.

CELEBRANT (2008): I have pleasure in pronouncing you wife and wife.

(Congregation cheers an applauds)

A.J. KEARNS: I was trying to, I guess, do the elegant lady thing. Got to give it a good go, you know? (Laughs) Like, it’s your last hurrah. If you're going to go out, go out with a bang, you know? So around the time of my wedding, or shortly thereafter, I started to question my gender and think that I might be a man. And I think especially because I’d gone through the whole conversion therapy thing of "No, you’re not gay" and I’d spent years trying to convince myself of that ,I think I was just deeply confused. It’s like you sort of open a door and take a peek and then you go, "Oh, God." (Laughs) But the door's already open. You can’t close it again.

ZU WHITE: For obvious reasons, A.J. kept a lot of things hidden from me initially. It would be a hard thing to suddenly discuss with your partner.

A.J. KEARNS: I certainly didn’t wake up one day and think I was a man. It was more questioning myself when I found particular things making me feel more comfortable. I started playing using fake facial hair and when I put it on and I looked in the mirror, there was such a deep sense of relief and that it should have always been there. And I actually teared up, because I was just so relieved to feel like it was there. It's just this mountain of questions and fears and you're taken aback. You think, "Oh, can I, can I do this? Am I strong enough to, to walk through this? Am I ever going to find peace? Maybe it’s all just too hard. Maybe I should just opt out." I think the scariest thing is telling people that you love.

ZU WHITE: When A.J. told me that he felt he was male, I don’t think I was shocked. I think I was a little bit confused initially, because I didn’t understand it. I think my biggest reaction would have been concern: concern on a completely selfish level; concern for what that meant for who I was as a person. I had always identified primarily as lesbian, so I now had to dig deep and figure out what that meant. For me it’s about the person that you love, so that was how I was able to accept it. A.J. started to bind, started to dress in more masculine clothes, getting masculine haircuts or what he felt made him feel more masculine.

TRACEY AYERS TURNER, FRIEND: But I think his darkest times came when he knew that he was transgender and had decided to start the journey, but there were a lot of obstacles in his way.

A.J. KEARNS: When I started to understand that I was a man, my dysphoria with my physical body grew. Dysphoria is incredible mental anguish of your body not fitting you.

(Footage of A.J. and Dr Fintan Harte in a therapy session)
DR FINTAN HARTE, PSYCHIATRIST: Reflecting back to childhood, do you think there were any indicators at that stage that you had a degree of gender variance?
(Footage ends)

DR FINTAN HARTE, PSYCHIATRIST: I first saw A.J. in June 2010 and he came with a diagnosis of gender dysphoria and he wanted to medically transition. So he came to me for approval to go on hormones and to have chest surgery. A.J.’s story is not uncommon. I think if he hadn’t transitioned, then there is a very strong likelihood that he would have taken his own life.

A.J. KEARNS: Even though I was still in the midst of working out who I was and what I needed to do, myself and Zu were very committed to having a family.

ZU WHITE: It never deterred me with A.J. telling me these things. I still wanted the family with A.J. I loved A.J. I still do love A.J., so why should it matter what that person looks like or who that person identifies as?

A.J. KEARNS: Zu had our first child. When Jasper was born, I’m very much his father and have viewed myself that way since pre-conception. During the birth of our first child, there were complications. So when it came time to think about our second child, it really seemed a better option for me to have that child. I loved being a Dad and the thought that I could, you know, create this beautiful sibling for my eldest child.

ZU WHITE: A.J. had made a mental transition to male, but because we wanted this child he held off his physical transition.

(Footage of A.J. and Dr Fintan Harte in a therapy session)
A.J. KEARNS: I asked myself questions like, "Well, how do I feel when someone says 'she'?" Like I kind of wanted to squirm out of my skin. It sort of felt painful.
(Footage ends)

A.J. KEARNS: So I was a little concerned to tell my gender specialist, Fintan Harte, that I planned to have a child. I was concerned that it would be misconstrued as a desire to be a woman.

DR FINTAN HARTE, PSYCHIATRIST: In my opinion, there’s no reason why A.J. shouldn’t have a child if he chooses to - and he did. My concerns in relation to the pregnancy were whether his depressive symptoms would resurface when he was confronted with his female anatomy and physiology. Prior to becoming pregnant, he was addressed by family and friends with male pronouns and he was seen as male - and clearly that going to change.

ZU WHITE: I was really concerned for A.J. whilst he was pregnant, because I knew he had such strong dysphoria and that it caused a lot of mental anguish. But somehow I believe he found some inner strength and he just dealt with things.

A.J. KEARNS: I think because of my fine arts background, it really led to me to thinking about documenting my transition in some way. So we decided to call the project "Inverto". Alison and I selected the back lane near her house to do a lot of the shoots.

ALISON BENNETT, PHOTOGRAPHER: So we met once a month for around two years, starting with when A.J. first fell pregnant.

A.J. KEARNS: We took a number of photos in varying forms of clothing and topless as well. And pre-surgery, the topless ones were really highly confronting for me to participate in.

(Footage of Alison photographing A.J.)
ALISON BENNETT, PHOTOGRAPHER: Yep. That's good. And move to the right a tiny bit.
(Footage ends)

A.J. KEARNS: Until I could physically transition, it was more of a mental leap for people to understand. Seeing a pregnant female body, it becomes almost impossible for people to understand you are actually a man.

ALISON BENNETT, PHOTOGRAPHER: There are certain phases where I could see that he was really uncomfortable in his body and I had to keep reminding him to take a deep breath and relax.

ZU WHITE: I think it’s a story that he felt should be told. I think he also did it for him to help him through his journey. You need a reason to hold on and keep doing what you’re doing and I think Inverto gave him that. It was his light as the end of the tunnel, but it was the ladder that held him in place whilst he got there.

AAREN STILLWELL, MIDWIFE: A.J. wanted extra support in the medical system 'cause he’s not, you know, the mainstream typical kind of pregnant person. (Laughs) Yeah. This is the first time I’d ever worked with someone in midwifery that was transgender, so it was really challenging at first: having to use the correct pronouns, because you are always just saying "she" and "her" and "pregnant woman". So I'd never had to say "he" or "pregnant person" before. Before he could pass as a man, becoming pregnant meant that his body went even further the other way. And how challenging that must have been.

A.J. KEARNS: I was feeling very invisible at that time and how sad I was and how distressed I was that it felt that even people to close to me who knew who I was couldn’t see through the exterior anymore. Regardless of what clothes you wear or anything else, they start seeing this quintessential female form.

AAREN STILLWELL, MIDWIFE: I think in total it was about 40 hours from beginning of pre-labour to the baby being born. And A.J. was awesome. I was just telling him to keep pushing as hard as he could and telling him when he’d done it really well and to just keep going. And just making sure he really had a chance to actually get the baby out as naturally as possible, which is what he really wanted.

A.J. KEARNS: First meeting Luka when she was born, as any parent will tell you, is the greatest joy in the entire world: meeting a new little life and especially having felt that life inside of me. And I feel privileged to have been able to create a life. I mean, how amazing is that? I mean, anyone that's given birth will bear witness to the fact that it’s a, it's a miracle. It was about seven or eight months after I’d birthed Luca that I started my hormone replacement therapy.

(Smart phone footage of A.J. after first HRT session)
A.J. KEARNS: I am a new man.
ZU WHITE (off-screen): It’s done. It’s done.
A.J. KEARNS: Yeah. It was fine.
ZU WHITE (off-screen): Oh, how do you feel?
A.J. KEARNS: Excited. I can't, I'm a little bit disconnected...
ZU WHITE (off-screen): Testosterone is running through your veins right now.
(Footage ends)

A.J. KEARNS: I was over-the-moon excited when I had my first testosterone injection.

ZU WHITE: He had waited patiently and selflessly for this moment, so when he received that, he was in such a magical place.

A.J. KEARNS: In the first few months, you start to feel your voice break and start to deepen. The testosterone sort of is putting you through a male puberty.

(Smart phone footage of A.J. during testosterone therapy)
A.J. KEARNS: My acne is still there. It’s cleared up a little bit. Um, my chin hair is going pretty well.
(Footage ends)

TRACEY AYERS TURNER, FRIEND: When you're 14 and going through puberty, everybody's going through puberty. Whereas he was dealing with it all on his own. I think it's been hard on his body. There's been, you know, there's been days where it's been tough for him.

(Smart phone footage of A.J. during testosterone therapy)
A.J. KEARNS: My voice has started to drop again. (Sings descending scale) It’s like gravelly and weird and strange at the bottom.
(Footage ends)

TRACEY AYERS TURNER, FRIEND: When he first started transitioning, he was like: "This is going to happen and this is going to happen and this." And then just to see it actually happen as he went through the journey: you could tell how pleased he was with it.

BELINDA BETTS, FAMILY FRIEND: I know that A.J.’s parents feel that it’s just a phase that he’s going through. Yeah, I think that that’s how they're being able to accept the transition and in the hope that one day A.J. will realise that it’s not for him.

A.J. KEARNS: I truly feel sorry for my Mum and Dad. I think it’s particularly hard for parents, especially when, you know, I transitioned late in life. You know, here’s their little girl who they’ve seen grow up and they’ve loved infinitely. And I think a lot of parents go through a grieving process, where they feel they’ve lost the child they knew, which I can completely understand. And I think they’re allowed to have that reaction and they need to feel and work through it.

ZU WHITE: I have faith in them. I have faith that they will accept this. They love A.J.

(Footage of A.J. holding martial arts class)
A.J. KEARNS: Doing something with the finger peels. So it hasn't released. Yeah? From here, chock the hip that you wish to go over and throw. OK. Opens us up for a groin strike if we're standing.

A.J. KEARNS: I decided to get into martial arts after I saw a friend get assaulted and I felt quite helpless. We have been running as a club for around nine years.

ZU WHITE: I joined in at some point because I realised A.J. was overworked and need some assistance. So I became an instructor and jumped into the business as well.

A.J. KEARNS: My reputation was as a female trainer and so I was thinking, "Oh my God. You know, are my female students going to feel betrayed?" When I told the student body, the overwhelming feeling was one of support. It really restores you faith in humanity.

(Footage of A.J. and Zu with their children)
A.J. KEARNS: Ready: Go. Woo!

AJ KEARNS: Zu and I broke up when I was transitioning, but we didn’t break up because of it. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

ZU WHITE: We realised we were wanting very different things out of life. Although we do raise our children together and run our business together, there’s other aspects of our lives that were very, very different and not necessarily compatible any more.

A.J. KEARNS: Zu and I are the absolute closest of friends. We support each other 100 per cent.

ZU WHITE: The kids'll get Dad over for a sleepover. We’ll go out for dinner together. We might take the kids on an adventure...

(Footage of A.J. arriving at Zu's house)
CHILD: Daaaaaad!
A.J. KEARNS (laughs, embracing children): Hello. Did you have a good day?
CHILD: Yes!
A.J. KEARNS: Yes?

ZU WHITE:...the same as many families do. It's just that we live in different houses, really. Our children see A.J. as their father. There’s no question in their mind that he could be anything else. He just is.

A.J. KEARNS: And it's probably my greatest fear: is that my children will bear the brunt of people’s ignorance.

ZU WHITE: We do believe our children are capable of understanding the truth and accepting it.

DR FINTAN HARTE, PSYCHIATRIST: Children have very rich fantasy lives. Frogs turn into princes, pumpkins turn into coaches and a woman turning into a man and vice versa is literally child’s play. So it really depends on how adults handle the situation and how the disclosure is managed.

A.J. KEARNS: I was a little apprehensive about the opening night of "Inverto", knowing that, you know, I’d have all those photos up of me and it would be projected onto a (laughs) huge wall to be viewed by passing traffic. And it was interesting to see people’s reactions. I think it was quite confronting and challenging for some people. There was a few people that had to sort of walk out and come back a bit later.

ALISON BENNETT, PHOTOGRAPHER: I think the thing was hardest for people to get their heads around was the idea that this person had been pregnant and was now a man. One of the things I love about photography is its capacity to compress time and to very succinctly give a vast, huge story all at once. Photographs are kind of like a time machine. Part of the privilege of doing this project was having the opportunity to share that journey with A.J.

A.J. KEARNS: I thought: if I can’t stand up and be proud of who I am and not feel like I need to be ashamed or hide, you know, how am I ever going to teach my children to be proud of who they are?

ZU WHITE: He has been dealt quite a lot of blows that many of us won’t have to experience. And I think it's a testament to him that he’s come through that, not just as a happy person but as a better person.

A.J. KEARNS: I’ve had a really interesting history with mirrors. (Laughs) I avoided them quite strongly. And after my body started to become more myself, I couldn’t stop looking in the mirror (laughs). Felt very vain. And so I love looking in the mirror now. And it’s just nice to see the person looking back at me is me and have a connection with that person; that I’m actually seeing myself. It’s an awesome feeling.