What’s the best thing about paradise?
There is no place that is paradise.
Heaven is inside you.
But what’s the best thing about the cabin, mom?
There doesn’t have to be a best thing. Heaven is inside you.
Oh mom, I'm just asking.
Well, merging with nature. Water. Air. Sky.
Let’s see: Water. Air. Sky.
Nature.
Hey hey Gerd.
Are you making a movie?
Yes Ina’s making a movie
It’s so wonderful here
Yes it’s a gift
Yes it’s God’s gift
Yes it is
Let us give thanks
(sings crazy song)
I’m making a movie about my mom, because she’s special and I love her very much, but she has a mental disorder that causes psychosis and that can be hard on us, and I feel she doesn’t see what it does to us when she’s sick and that it’s hard on us.
Mom are you an angel?
We all are.
I think it’s my turn to tilt.
What does it mean to be nuts?
Who knows
Tell me what makes a person normal
Is it someone eager to please? An obedient person? Is that a normal person? The one who obeys mom and dad, the one who obeys the boss? The one who always obeys... is that a normal person?
.
Someone you can talk to
Talk to? Get the answers you want?
I give answers you hadn’t thought of.
Right now I can talk to you, but sometimes I can’t at all.
But I’m asking. What is a normal person? Is it an obedient person? Is that a normal person?
No.
Then what’s a normal person?
Nobody’s normal, everybody’s different, but…
Exactly, and people get drunk and what are we? Are we the drunk person, or are we the sober person?
Sober, I hope.
Right. I get psychotic, others get drunk. It’s all the same the way I see it.
We all have sides in us, we feel fear and feel love, we make fools of ourselves or follow the rules. We all have sides in us, I acknowledge all my sides. I wish others did.
We're filming a Christmas dinner at the old people’s home where she works. She’s in a slightly manic phase. It’s funny because she’s decided to marry, and she’s marrying herself.
Here’s the angel. A lady brought it. No one knew her. This is where I sit.
But mom?
Yes.
I want to hear about your plans for the 17th of May?
The 17th is just part of the plan. People all over the world marry and promise to be faithful forever. But our thoughts and our feelings can't be promised to others. I will promise myself to be true to my feelings and thoughts for ever.
It’s the only oath I can give.
So what will you do on the 17th of May?
Marry myself. An amazingly powerful oath. To be true to yourself you have to know your thoughts, your feelings, and dare. Dare to be who you are.
Hi! Here’s something I found. I knew it was somewhere, I found it in my diary. It’s called mom and dad get divorced. I made an artsy picture for it. It’s not easy to read. My name is Ina, I’m eight and a half , but I was seven then. One day dad says: mom’s in the hospital. It hurt inside, but I understood. A few days later dad said bad things and mom too. This is mom, she’s in the hospital. She doesn’t look very happy. I remember her hands were shaking. Because of the medication.
Being true to yourself is an incredible oath. Being true to your thoughts and feelings is incredible. No… I asked Maria if she was sad, but she wasn’t and Ina is here too, filming while we talk. So I’m going to wear my 3000 € national wedding costume.
So there’s no way to cancel the dress order? There’s always a way. Anything’s possible. Mineral water, Ina?
No.
But mom, what if you weren’t getting married on Constitution Day?
I ordered it before I decided to promise to be true to myself.
So you want it even if you’re not getting married?
Yes yes yes.
Even if it costs 3000 € that’s a lot of money?
Yes, even if it was 12000 € I would buy it
What’s that?
Maria drew it…. Loon.
If I can improve the world’s consciousness, I will do it gladly. I will do it gladly.
How can you?
I'll change my energy.
And you'll improve the world’s consciousness?
I'll go home. Home where I really belong.
And that is?
At the source.
Where’s the source? Is it God?
Yes. Or Allah. Whatever name you prefer.
You are God. God is in all you see and all you don’t. It’s consciousness. Often those that believe in God are the least close to God. They believe God is outside themselves. I am God, and you, Ina, are God, all the people on earth are God. They just don’t know it.
Ina, please don’t film mom, I really wish you wouldn’t.
Does it look like I’m filming her?
Well, yeah…
What if I had cancer Maria, it's just like talking about that.
Now I feel like you’re making plans.
Everyone will die, I’m just more aware…
Mom, answer my question?
Yes.
Are you planning to die?
Yes.
Ina, can we please get her to a hospital?
Where would that be?
It’s Ina. We’re having trouble with mom.
Maria doesn’t really want to be here.
No…
Mom’s talking about leaving this world and all.
She saw a doctor, but she won’t get medicine till tomorrow and it’s getting…
Mom, when you get the medicine, you’ll take it, right?
I was wondering if you’d be able to come down?
Oh, ok…
She’s already set the date.
What do you mean?
She’s decided on the 17th of May.
No. That’s wedding day.
She wants to kill herself too, because she can’t until she’s married.
I didn’t hear that.
I did.
After she’s promised herself...
She told me today she wanted to go as soon as possible.
That’s why she wanted to see me.
Mom, just let it go, ok?
It matters, most of all I'm Maria’s mom.
Then be the mom. Will it help her if you kill yourself?
I won’t die, I’ll just change my consciousness.
I’ll change my energy and be the invisible angel who comforts you when you hurt.
This frightens me.
I’ll be the invisible angel in your thoughts, Maria.
That’s nice.
Every thought you have, I’ll be in it.
That’s great… Calm down.
When you want to get in touch with me, get in touch with your thoughts.
Do me a huge favor? Be quiet for three minutes.
Get it? When you want to get in touch with me…
Yes, I get it mom, I get it.
I’ll be with you after my consciousness changes.
I will stroke your cheek.
Mom, could you take your medicine right away?
I don’t have it yet.
When will you get it? This won’t do.
I’m calling the cops, Ina.
Couldn’t he give you the medicine right away?
What are you afraid of?
Is there anyone else we can call?
What are you afraid of?
I don’t like having you here when you’re like this.
What are you afraid of Maria?
You right now.
What do I say that scares you?
You’re acting like a total loon. Ina is there someone else we can call?
Mom, how soon can you get your medicine?
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow?
Then I’ll skip school tomorrow.
And I’ll skip work to look after her.
I want to be with you as much as I can, till the 17th, that’s the time.
Can’t we call the cops?
Then she’ll be committed, and gone for a long time.
What else can she do?
Will you volunteer?
I want to be with you.
I don’t think so.
I want to be with you.
You’re in a close-up now.
Maria is a princess, I love her so much…
And what a look from Maria!
You see what I mean by look…
Yes, I see what you mean.
That’s my girl.
I will leave you. I'll change my energy.
Mom, don’t say that.
But I will.
Why?
You know why and it’s grand. It’s just like dying in a car accident. No different. And I have loved you, you obstinate girl. You’re perfect, Ina. Absolutely perfect. Just the way you should be.
You are perfect, I couldn’t want any other daughter.
It’s been 5-10 minutes since mom took her medicine, and she talks less and acts calmer. She dropped
her previous topic, but she’s still spinning. Her medicine gives rapid relief, but there is withdrawal and trouble sitting still.
Wave your flag, mom.
Congratulations. Why do we celebrate the 17th of May, Arild?
Why? The Constitution in 1814.
Are you sure? It’s not for mom’s marriage?
Well, the day came and went. A normal 17th of May. Mom put on another dress than the wedding dress. She was calm. We had breakfast and saw the parade. No talk of changing energy. We were very relieved when nothing happened. Even mom was. I think she was scared too. A nice and quiet 17th. I hope I won't see that again.
Skinny-dipping is God's gift.
Pee in the water
Yuck mom!
It’s perfectly natural.
Are you sad you’re going home on Monday?
You’re always with yourself, so if you feel good it doesn’t matter where you are, but I love it here. My heaven on earth. Being by the sea, swimming naked, feeling emotions, merging with nature. Telling the weather by the clouds and birds flying high or low. Merging with nature for a month. With no electricity, water or toilet, you become grateful and aware of what you have.
Mom in her natural state. Like: Everything is so beautiful here!
Mom is happy about everything.
I see perfection in everything.
Here we go again.
The universe is perfect. A starfish is perfect.
I see perfection in every thought, every sentence. Everything is perfect. God is in everything. Everything is God. I’ve learned something this summer, what matters most. There’s no one to blame. Absolutely no one to blame. We create all our emotions. We have fear and love in us, and to free ourselves from fear we must feel it and love it. And annoyance too, love ourselves even while annoyed. I want to feel my emotions, I want to accept them. I want to love myself with all those emotions.
You babble on though we could care less.
We don’t understand you. That’s the problem.
Communication problem.
Mom can you answer a question?
Why the hallelujah when the camera’s on, and not otherwise?
I always hallelujah.
Not that much.
But the thoughts are with me constantly and I think and feel those things and try to express myself. One of the reasons for filming is to express myself.
When I turn on the camera it's a channel for your message?
Absolutely.
Want to do the chicken dance?
Yeah!
Shall we sit?
Amazing weather.
Fantastic. We think heaven is somewhere else, but heaven is here on earth. We have water, trees, flowers, there is no better planet. Bergen is fabulous. Heaven is inside us.
You’re really into loving yourself.
Why is it so important to love yourself?
Everyone has experiences. When I was 20 I tried to kill myself. I seemed pretty enough, popular enough so that’s not it. But I felt a great inner emptiness and tried to die by overdose. Later I got anorexia. I didn’t know then, but suicide and anorexia are based on self-hate. Hating yourself so much you feel life isn’t worth living, there’s nothing to live for.
I think the same thoughts every day. To change you have to consciously create new thoughts. My new thoughts were ”I am safe”, I love myself the way I am”, ”I accept my emotions”, ”I am free”, ”I am strong”, ”I increase my awareness daily” , ”I have faith in the future”
I am proud of my progress
I am patient
I am brave
Everything’s going my way and I embrace life
I wrote this in the isolation ward.
Do you still write in that?
I wrote this in two weeks
You wrote the whole book in two weeks?
In hell.
I’m proud of myself.
I have priorities, I respect myself now.
The whole book is one sentence
It’s called affirmation.
There are only good things ahead
Life is good I am happy
This is mom
what’s it like to have a psychosis?
You represent society’s fear. I consider myself well. Mostly. And must we label people? We should grow out of that. I'm well, I'm happy, I'm healthy. ”Sickness” is not part of my vocabulary, Ina. ”Change” is.
Are you ok today?
No.
Are you not ok?
No.
I thought mountain walks did you good.
Can feel emotions here too.
Why aren’t you ok today?
I was feeling anger earlier.
We noticed
Walks are about feeling thoughts and emotions.
Yada yada
You can’t say that, I don’t say that to you.
I don’t say the same thing ten times a day
Know what you say a lot?
No
That annoys me
I don’t say that a lot!
Do you realize how often you say that?
I don’t say it often. Compared to normal people. You just don't because you’re so…
You can’t interrupt me if you’re making a documentary about me.
But you've said it a hundred times.
I’m expressing my emotions, you asked.
Yes…
I say I feel my emotions when I walk.
Now mom decided to pull out of the movie. I got messages; we’ll sue if you make the it, so disappointed in you, I thought you were honest.
I gave you new thoughts to share. You abused my trust. I'm shocked and outraged. Abused by my own daughter.
She thinks I’m making a film about what a bad mother she is. But I think she’s very good, she’s taught me so much and the last thing I want to do is make her look bad. It’s not easy when she’s sick. I get stressed, I get asthma, back pain, I’m unfocused at work and school. Nothing is fun when she’s sick. I worry that she’ll spend too much money, say something stupid at work, wind up in the hospital. It’s no fun, but it doesn’t make her a bad mother. If she had cancer I would worry too. I’m sure I would be unfocused. It’s not like she can help it. We’re very different but also very close. She’s a great mother. She taught me a lot, and I wouldn’t be who I am without her.
Hey hey
hey…. will you say something?
I think it’ll be good. I reacted to the strange portrayal. My life is full of love and you show a piece of it. If I have a hundred pieces you show two.
I feel the exact opposite. I feel you only show those two, you were spiritual and loving and great, but I wanted more. I felt a bit… You wouldn’t show the negative, dwelling on hallelujah and God.
I see
Every time I introduced other issues there was conflict.
Yes
Maybe we both felt that way?
Yes.
These pictures are pretty sexy.
Yes.
Angels and sexuality are your dream themes?
Both high on love. Physical and spiritual love.
I see, I see, said the blind man.
This is life and lust. God gave us the vagina and the clitoris. Focus on the picture! He gave women and men such a pleasure. This picture is very beautiful, with pleasure and life. It brings us life. This should be in every church, not a dead body.
Pleasure and life.
The Kiss by Munch. It’s so beautiful. Munch was a so-called manic depressive, whatever that means. Munch paints feelings, what a rare outlet of feelings! This is what people need. People that love each other. The world needs love.
Love… love…
What matters is the joy of singing. Not how well you sing, but the joy of singing. Just sing, Ina. No matter what. That’s it. I love you very much. You’re a wonderful girl.
I love you too.
Is this your regular bench?
The office is there. I’ve walked here often, sat and enjoyed the place.
I like being alone.
Mom, what should people do when you are psychotic and run away…
I couldn't say. People should do as they please. Once my best friend went hiking, and that was right at the time. Others stayed with me all night. If I had to choose, I would say stay with me.
But that doesn’t make you well?
Yes. It does.
You have come out of a psychosis through company alone?
Yes. That’s enough. Someone caring. But I can’t tell others what to do, it’s up to you.
So it’s not right when the police come?
I’m worth more than police with handcuffs. I’m worth more than the isolation ward, out of touch with loved ones. I’m more than that.
Would you rather a nurse picked you up?
I don’t want picking up.
But when you’re really sick?
I want to stay home. God, I want people who care at home.
It’s not easy when you roam the streets naked and want to kill yourself.
No, I see the dilemma.
Once on the psychiatric ward I saw another committed. He stood naked in town and praised God. So he was committed. That’s actually what we should do. We should all stand naked and give thanks. That’s not insanity. There are a lot of insane things in our society, but being naked and thanking God is a sacred act. But I can see how it scares people.
It’s been a year since my mother wanted to marry herself on the 17th of May. She’s doing it again this 17th. She hasn’t mentioned changing her energy, so I’m not scared.
Be true to yourself, and you will not be false unto others. Those are Shakespeare’s words, roughly. Our most important task here on earth is to love ourselves as we are. As God loves us. We are what God is. Everything is God. The universe is God, people are God, nature is God, everything is God. When I love myself I love others. When I accept myself I accept others. With love for myself I have love for others. If I act on fear I attract fear.
Do you have oaths?
Yes.
I promise to be aware and not to judge myself.
I promise to accept myself for who I am so I may accept others for who they are.
I promise to be aware and love myself for who I am as God loves me and know that every moment is a chance to grow.
I am free to love and enjoy life.
Last
This is a tribute to the source, alpha and omega, all that is and all that is not, ohm or Allah. Whatever name we prefer. We are all one with the source. This is a marriage to what I call God. God and I are one, just as you and I are one.
Time for Mozart.
Hallelujah.
Do we clap?
No…
Here’s mom, the lone bride on the cake. Attained higher consciousness.
This is a festive day.
I feel an inner freedom. To be myself.
Congratulations, mom.
I did it.
You finally made it.
Congratulations!
Everybody’s congratulating me. I picked this day on purpose. Everything is very purposeful.
Congratulations!
Hallelujah.
Hurray
There is no place that is paradise.
Heaven is inside you.
But what’s the best thing about the cabin, mom?
There doesn’t have to be a best thing. Heaven is inside you.
Oh mom, I'm just asking.
Well, merging with nature. Water. Air. Sky.
Let’s see: Water. Air. Sky.
Nature.
Hey hey Gerd.
Are you making a movie?
Yes Ina’s making a movie
It’s so wonderful here
Yes it’s a gift
Yes it’s God’s gift
Yes it is
Let us give thanks
(sings crazy song)
I’m making a movie about my mom, because she’s special and I love her very much, but she has a mental disorder that causes psychosis and that can be hard on us, and I feel she doesn’t see what it does to us when she’s sick and that it’s hard on us.
Mom are you an angel?
We all are.
I think it’s my turn to tilt.
What does it mean to be nuts?
Who knows
Tell me what makes a person normal
Is it someone eager to please? An obedient person? Is that a normal person? The one who obeys mom and dad, the one who obeys the boss? The one who always obeys... is that a normal person?
.
Someone you can talk to
Talk to? Get the answers you want?
I give answers you hadn’t thought of.
Right now I can talk to you, but sometimes I can’t at all.
But I’m asking. What is a normal person? Is it an obedient person? Is that a normal person?
No.
Then what’s a normal person?
Nobody’s normal, everybody’s different, but…
Exactly, and people get drunk and what are we? Are we the drunk person, or are we the sober person?
Sober, I hope.
Right. I get psychotic, others get drunk. It’s all the same the way I see it.
We all have sides in us, we feel fear and feel love, we make fools of ourselves or follow the rules. We all have sides in us, I acknowledge all my sides. I wish others did.
We're filming a Christmas dinner at the old people’s home where she works. She’s in a slightly manic phase. It’s funny because she’s decided to marry, and she’s marrying herself.
Here’s the angel. A lady brought it. No one knew her. This is where I sit.
But mom?
Yes.
I want to hear about your plans for the 17th of May?
The 17th is just part of the plan. People all over the world marry and promise to be faithful forever. But our thoughts and our feelings can't be promised to others. I will promise myself to be true to my feelings and thoughts for ever.
It’s the only oath I can give.
So what will you do on the 17th of May?
Marry myself. An amazingly powerful oath. To be true to yourself you have to know your thoughts, your feelings, and dare. Dare to be who you are.
Hi! Here’s something I found. I knew it was somewhere, I found it in my diary. It’s called mom and dad get divorced. I made an artsy picture for it. It’s not easy to read. My name is Ina, I’m eight and a half , but I was seven then. One day dad says: mom’s in the hospital. It hurt inside, but I understood. A few days later dad said bad things and mom too. This is mom, she’s in the hospital. She doesn’t look very happy. I remember her hands were shaking. Because of the medication.
Being true to yourself is an incredible oath. Being true to your thoughts and feelings is incredible. No… I asked Maria if she was sad, but she wasn’t and Ina is here too, filming while we talk. So I’m going to wear my 3000 € national wedding costume.
So there’s no way to cancel the dress order? There’s always a way. Anything’s possible. Mineral water, Ina?
No.
But mom, what if you weren’t getting married on Constitution Day?
I ordered it before I decided to promise to be true to myself.
So you want it even if you’re not getting married?
Yes yes yes.
Even if it costs 3000 € that’s a lot of money?
Yes, even if it was 12000 € I would buy it
What’s that?
Maria drew it…. Loon.
If I can improve the world’s consciousness, I will do it gladly. I will do it gladly.
How can you?
I'll change my energy.
And you'll improve the world’s consciousness?
I'll go home. Home where I really belong.
And that is?
At the source.
Where’s the source? Is it God?
Yes. Or Allah. Whatever name you prefer.
You are God. God is in all you see and all you don’t. It’s consciousness. Often those that believe in God are the least close to God. They believe God is outside themselves. I am God, and you, Ina, are God, all the people on earth are God. They just don’t know it.
Ina, please don’t film mom, I really wish you wouldn’t.
Does it look like I’m filming her?
Well, yeah…
What if I had cancer Maria, it's just like talking about that.
Now I feel like you’re making plans.
Everyone will die, I’m just more aware…
Mom, answer my question?
Yes.
Are you planning to die?
Yes.
Ina, can we please get her to a hospital?
Where would that be?
It’s Ina. We’re having trouble with mom.
Maria doesn’t really want to be here.
No…
Mom’s talking about leaving this world and all.
She saw a doctor, but she won’t get medicine till tomorrow and it’s getting…
Mom, when you get the medicine, you’ll take it, right?
I was wondering if you’d be able to come down?
Oh, ok…
She’s already set the date.
What do you mean?
She’s decided on the 17th of May.
No. That’s wedding day.
She wants to kill herself too, because she can’t until she’s married.
I didn’t hear that.
I did.
After she’s promised herself...
She told me today she wanted to go as soon as possible.
That’s why she wanted to see me.
Mom, just let it go, ok?
It matters, most of all I'm Maria’s mom.
Then be the mom. Will it help her if you kill yourself?
I won’t die, I’ll just change my consciousness.
I’ll change my energy and be the invisible angel who comforts you when you hurt.
This frightens me.
I’ll be the invisible angel in your thoughts, Maria.
That’s nice.
Every thought you have, I’ll be in it.
That’s great… Calm down.
When you want to get in touch with me, get in touch with your thoughts.
Do me a huge favor? Be quiet for three minutes.
Get it? When you want to get in touch with me…
Yes, I get it mom, I get it.
I’ll be with you after my consciousness changes.
I will stroke your cheek.
Mom, could you take your medicine right away?
I don’t have it yet.
When will you get it? This won’t do.
I’m calling the cops, Ina.
Couldn’t he give you the medicine right away?
What are you afraid of?
Is there anyone else we can call?
What are you afraid of?
I don’t like having you here when you’re like this.
What are you afraid of Maria?
You right now.
What do I say that scares you?
You’re acting like a total loon. Ina is there someone else we can call?
Mom, how soon can you get your medicine?
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow?
Then I’ll skip school tomorrow.
And I’ll skip work to look after her.
I want to be with you as much as I can, till the 17th, that’s the time.
Can’t we call the cops?
Then she’ll be committed, and gone for a long time.
What else can she do?
Will you volunteer?
I want to be with you.
I don’t think so.
I want to be with you.
You’re in a close-up now.
Maria is a princess, I love her so much…
And what a look from Maria!
You see what I mean by look…
Yes, I see what you mean.
That’s my girl.
I will leave you. I'll change my energy.
Mom, don’t say that.
But I will.
Why?
You know why and it’s grand. It’s just like dying in a car accident. No different. And I have loved you, you obstinate girl. You’re perfect, Ina. Absolutely perfect. Just the way you should be.
You are perfect, I couldn’t want any other daughter.
It’s been 5-10 minutes since mom took her medicine, and she talks less and acts calmer. She dropped
her previous topic, but she’s still spinning. Her medicine gives rapid relief, but there is withdrawal and trouble sitting still.
Wave your flag, mom.
Congratulations. Why do we celebrate the 17th of May, Arild?
Why? The Constitution in 1814.
Are you sure? It’s not for mom’s marriage?
Well, the day came and went. A normal 17th of May. Mom put on another dress than the wedding dress. She was calm. We had breakfast and saw the parade. No talk of changing energy. We were very relieved when nothing happened. Even mom was. I think she was scared too. A nice and quiet 17th. I hope I won't see that again.
Skinny-dipping is God's gift.
Pee in the water
Yuck mom!
It’s perfectly natural.
Are you sad you’re going home on Monday?
You’re always with yourself, so if you feel good it doesn’t matter where you are, but I love it here. My heaven on earth. Being by the sea, swimming naked, feeling emotions, merging with nature. Telling the weather by the clouds and birds flying high or low. Merging with nature for a month. With no electricity, water or toilet, you become grateful and aware of what you have.
Mom in her natural state. Like: Everything is so beautiful here!
Mom is happy about everything.
I see perfection in everything.
Here we go again.
The universe is perfect. A starfish is perfect.
I see perfection in every thought, every sentence. Everything is perfect. God is in everything. Everything is God. I’ve learned something this summer, what matters most. There’s no one to blame. Absolutely no one to blame. We create all our emotions. We have fear and love in us, and to free ourselves from fear we must feel it and love it. And annoyance too, love ourselves even while annoyed. I want to feel my emotions, I want to accept them. I want to love myself with all those emotions.
You babble on though we could care less.
We don’t understand you. That’s the problem.
Communication problem.
Mom can you answer a question?
Why the hallelujah when the camera’s on, and not otherwise?
I always hallelujah.
Not that much.
But the thoughts are with me constantly and I think and feel those things and try to express myself. One of the reasons for filming is to express myself.
When I turn on the camera it's a channel for your message?
Absolutely.
Want to do the chicken dance?
Yeah!
Shall we sit?
Amazing weather.
Fantastic. We think heaven is somewhere else, but heaven is here on earth. We have water, trees, flowers, there is no better planet. Bergen is fabulous. Heaven is inside us.
You’re really into loving yourself.
Why is it so important to love yourself?
Everyone has experiences. When I was 20 I tried to kill myself. I seemed pretty enough, popular enough so that’s not it. But I felt a great inner emptiness and tried to die by overdose. Later I got anorexia. I didn’t know then, but suicide and anorexia are based on self-hate. Hating yourself so much you feel life isn’t worth living, there’s nothing to live for.
I think the same thoughts every day. To change you have to consciously create new thoughts. My new thoughts were ”I am safe”, I love myself the way I am”, ”I accept my emotions”, ”I am free”, ”I am strong”, ”I increase my awareness daily” , ”I have faith in the future”
I am proud of my progress
I am patient
I am brave
Everything’s going my way and I embrace life
I wrote this in the isolation ward.
Do you still write in that?
I wrote this in two weeks
You wrote the whole book in two weeks?
In hell.
I’m proud of myself.
I have priorities, I respect myself now.
The whole book is one sentence
It’s called affirmation.
There are only good things ahead
Life is good I am happy
This is mom
what’s it like to have a psychosis?
You represent society’s fear. I consider myself well. Mostly. And must we label people? We should grow out of that. I'm well, I'm happy, I'm healthy. ”Sickness” is not part of my vocabulary, Ina. ”Change” is.
Are you ok today?
No.
Are you not ok?
No.
I thought mountain walks did you good.
Can feel emotions here too.
Why aren’t you ok today?
I was feeling anger earlier.
We noticed
Walks are about feeling thoughts and emotions.
Yada yada
You can’t say that, I don’t say that to you.
I don’t say the same thing ten times a day
Know what you say a lot?
No
That annoys me
I don’t say that a lot!
Do you realize how often you say that?
I don’t say it often. Compared to normal people. You just don't because you’re so…
You can’t interrupt me if you’re making a documentary about me.
But you've said it a hundred times.
I’m expressing my emotions, you asked.
Yes…
I say I feel my emotions when I walk.
Now mom decided to pull out of the movie. I got messages; we’ll sue if you make the it, so disappointed in you, I thought you were honest.
I gave you new thoughts to share. You abused my trust. I'm shocked and outraged. Abused by my own daughter.
She thinks I’m making a film about what a bad mother she is. But I think she’s very good, she’s taught me so much and the last thing I want to do is make her look bad. It’s not easy when she’s sick. I get stressed, I get asthma, back pain, I’m unfocused at work and school. Nothing is fun when she’s sick. I worry that she’ll spend too much money, say something stupid at work, wind up in the hospital. It’s no fun, but it doesn’t make her a bad mother. If she had cancer I would worry too. I’m sure I would be unfocused. It’s not like she can help it. We’re very different but also very close. She’s a great mother. She taught me a lot, and I wouldn’t be who I am without her.
Hey hey
hey…. will you say something?
I think it’ll be good. I reacted to the strange portrayal. My life is full of love and you show a piece of it. If I have a hundred pieces you show two.
I feel the exact opposite. I feel you only show those two, you were spiritual and loving and great, but I wanted more. I felt a bit… You wouldn’t show the negative, dwelling on hallelujah and God.
I see
Every time I introduced other issues there was conflict.
Yes
Maybe we both felt that way?
Yes.
These pictures are pretty sexy.
Yes.
Angels and sexuality are your dream themes?
Both high on love. Physical and spiritual love.
I see, I see, said the blind man.
This is life and lust. God gave us the vagina and the clitoris. Focus on the picture! He gave women and men such a pleasure. This picture is very beautiful, with pleasure and life. It brings us life. This should be in every church, not a dead body.
Pleasure and life.
The Kiss by Munch. It’s so beautiful. Munch was a so-called manic depressive, whatever that means. Munch paints feelings, what a rare outlet of feelings! This is what people need. People that love each other. The world needs love.
Love… love…
What matters is the joy of singing. Not how well you sing, but the joy of singing. Just sing, Ina. No matter what. That’s it. I love you very much. You’re a wonderful girl.
I love you too.
Is this your regular bench?
The office is there. I’ve walked here often, sat and enjoyed the place.
I like being alone.
Mom, what should people do when you are psychotic and run away…
I couldn't say. People should do as they please. Once my best friend went hiking, and that was right at the time. Others stayed with me all night. If I had to choose, I would say stay with me.
But that doesn’t make you well?
Yes. It does.
You have come out of a psychosis through company alone?
Yes. That’s enough. Someone caring. But I can’t tell others what to do, it’s up to you.
So it’s not right when the police come?
I’m worth more than police with handcuffs. I’m worth more than the isolation ward, out of touch with loved ones. I’m more than that.
Would you rather a nurse picked you up?
I don’t want picking up.
But when you’re really sick?
I want to stay home. God, I want people who care at home.
It’s not easy when you roam the streets naked and want to kill yourself.
No, I see the dilemma.
Once on the psychiatric ward I saw another committed. He stood naked in town and praised God. So he was committed. That’s actually what we should do. We should all stand naked and give thanks. That’s not insanity. There are a lot of insane things in our society, but being naked and thanking God is a sacred act. But I can see how it scares people.
It’s been a year since my mother wanted to marry herself on the 17th of May. She’s doing it again this 17th. She hasn’t mentioned changing her energy, so I’m not scared.
Be true to yourself, and you will not be false unto others. Those are Shakespeare’s words, roughly. Our most important task here on earth is to love ourselves as we are. As God loves us. We are what God is. Everything is God. The universe is God, people are God, nature is God, everything is God. When I love myself I love others. When I accept myself I accept others. With love for myself I have love for others. If I act on fear I attract fear.
Do you have oaths?
Yes.
I promise to be aware and not to judge myself.
I promise to accept myself for who I am so I may accept others for who they are.
I promise to be aware and love myself for who I am as God loves me and know that every moment is a chance to grow.
I am free to love and enjoy life.
Last
This is a tribute to the source, alpha and omega, all that is and all that is not, ohm or Allah. Whatever name we prefer. We are all one with the source. This is a marriage to what I call God. God and I are one, just as you and I are one.
Time for Mozart.
Hallelujah.
Do we clap?
No…
Here’s mom, the lone bride on the cake. Attained higher consciousness.
This is a festive day.
I feel an inner freedom. To be myself.
Congratulations, mom.
I did it.
You finally made it.
Congratulations!
Everybody’s congratulating me. I picked this day on purpose. Everything is very purposeful.
Congratulations!
Hallelujah.
Hurray