Red Without Blue

Jennie:

Isn't that cute? Look at Minnie, and Mark, and Alex. Look at Alex looking in Minnie's eyes. Like he knows that there's something in there. They were so cute.  It was such a happy time. They were just so happy. Look how happy Mark is. Isn't that a darling face? So innocent. So beautiful. And still, you know, you don't lose innocence. I don't care  what mud's thrown on your life. You don't lose it.

Text:

This is simply an accumulation of snapshots

Our first days are there....

But not our second or third.

A film by Brooke Sebold, Benita Sills, Todd Sills.

Scott:

It's a Y in the road. Which way do I go? This is a critical Y. Mark's directing now. He's doing the steering this morning. Can you say good morning Alex? Can you say good morning Mark? Alexander, Mark! Mark. Look over here. Time to go for a walk. Bye bye!

Mark:

Alex and I were born three minutes apart.  March 7, 1983. My mom would put us in our cribs and then we would jump into each other's. And sing and play and dance. We were just in love with each other, from the day we were born.

Jennie:

There were always these examples of their twinship. And the most profound one I think, is, I went down there, they were probably four. And they were just waking up. And Mark looked over and said, "We were falling, have you hit yet?"

Voice:

Hello Mark, you little birthday boy. How's your birthday?  Hi Alex. Wow! And look over here, we have Lorraine, playing the harmonica. Why are you running away from the camera? I think this is kinda fuzzy. I don't know if it's going to turn out.

Scott:

I just found this picture the other day and I laughed about it because it was such an unpleasant experience. We had to wait in the side room for about half an hour. And the kids got more irritable, and we got more irritable, and by the time this picture was taken, we  were so anxious to get out of there, that it was a very unpleasant experience. And of course Jennie's hairstyle is quite a bit different. It's kind of fun to have these old family photographs to see that you're not as beautiful and well dressed as you thought you were.

Jennie:

They had always been, I'm serious, perfect children. I mean, they never did anything embarrassing, they weren't demanding of people's attention. So I just had no expectation of anything changing.

Mark:

My mom thought that we were a danger to each other.

Clair:

I didn't feel like there was any reason really to live.

Jennie:

Their heavy, heavy drug use was a devastating discovery for me. It was more of a shock to me than the suicide.

Clair:

And I remember sitting there thinking, maybe this will end if I just close my eyes.

Scott:

That's when it really hit that we had a problem that was bigger than all of us.

Mark:

We really did fall apart as a family. I think we're still kind of  a long ways off from ever being this happy, cohesive family. Because we just don't fit into that white picket fence, and I don't think  we ever have.

Mark:

I've been going to school at the San Francisco Art Institute for about five months. I was given the word blue for my final sculpture, and the word blue, the first thing I think of was Alex. How that was the color that he was given as a baby, and how I was given red. It's just these little things, that kind of pop into my head, and then from there they just kind of flow into a piece.

Clair:

I really don't think I was born into this world as man or as woman.

Gender is the one very specific thing that we can hold on to. Everything changes in life except for that. And to see someone challenging something so basic, it's like blasphemy.

Mark:

It was a shock to me at first. I never even known who transgender people were, or what that term meant. I just couldn't imagine you transforming into something else.

Mark:

When I decided to move to San Francisco and go to art school, I thought that changing my name to Oliver might allow me to let who I really was come out. Kind of start over I guess. Watching Clair go through her experience, and changing her name, it was a name to a new face, a new kind of personality, a new time in life.

Clair:

But I'm still the same person.

Mark:

You're the same person, but it's not Mark and Alex anymore. Mark and Clair isn't the same as Mark and Alex.

Clair:

But did you anticipate the hesitation from people?

Mark:

Yeah. Hesitation because people are used to calling me Mark.

Clair:

If you want me to call you Oliver, you're going to have to grow tits. Well you do! I had to grow tits and it took a while for people to call me Clair.

Mark:

Alex could have been a girl's name. Why should we argue about it?

Clair:

Because I think it's interesting that you compare the two, so easily.

Mark:

No, I mean, you definitely had your own transition. But -

Clair:

- I had to go and legally change my name, I not only had to do that, I had to be able to change my gender, I had to get it court-signed.

Mark:

But there's a lot of people who change their names in life.

Clair:

Yeah, and I'm saying that is a different process than your process, that's all I'm saying.

Mark:

Well I was never angry when you decided to change yours.

Clair:

That's harsh!

Mark:

I would call you Henrietta Fitzwarld if you wanted me to.

Clair:

Well, I decided I wanted to live as a woman when I was in high school. I went out and bought some dresses, and I wasn't very passable I would say. But it was probably within a month or two of just kind of fooling around with dressing that I decided that I was going to live full time. I tried to tell my mom for like two years that I was trans and she was like, "No, honey, you're not," and that would be the end of the conversation. When I said yes, I am going to transition, we didn't talk for like 8 months. When we did talk, she refused to call me Clair, didn't want me to visit. Didn't want me to come home. And basically we just stopped talking.

Jennie:

Clair wanted to get even with me, and this was a real powerful, mighty way to do it. Just one big fuck you. It was one more attempt to separate himself from me, from the family, from Mark. His attempt to not be a twin. To be totally isolated from us. And it worked. Do I think it's real? Yeah, for the time being. I guess I'm not so convinced that when Clair is 40, she's going to be Clair.

Scott:

When Clair told us she was transgender, we didn't know what that meant. We'd heard of cross dressers, and transvestites, and that type of thing, but I had no idea what a transgender person was. Our initial reaction was, well, maybe this is a phase. Or maybe she'll grow out of it. Or maybe it's something that the kids are doing that we don't know about.

Mark:

People I talk to when I tell them about her transformation and her decision to change genders, since we're twins, they automatically assume that I also want to change genders or that I don't necessarily feel like a man. That's true to some extent because I don't feel that all of who I am is a man. I think that there is a balance between masculinity and femininity in all of us. And this process that Clair is going through has forced me to look at that. Forced me to look at both sides of myself.

Mark:

It's still hard for me at times, because we were born as twins, we were born as boys. That's part of our identity, that's part of my identity.

Clair:

He said, "You don't like who you look like, your physical body. And you don't like me. And you don't like me, because we look so much alike. I explained to him that I don't look at you and see myself.

Mark:

Part of who we were, I think, was lost in that transformation.  It was almost like you were cutting this cord that we had. This twinship. This identical identity. I just couldn't imagine you desiring to be something else because it was who I was and it was who you were. You didn't want to be like me, and that's why you hated yourself as much as you did, and hated me, at times.

Clair:

I moved to New York, largely because I guess I thought this city would have more possibilities. I thought I'd find more trans people or more trans-friendly people, and that my life would be easier. I guess New York is lonely. People say that it's the biggest city and you can hide in it. And I agree. I feel like my life is very anonymous.

Woman:

What's your ID number?

Clair:

It's 47441.

Clair:

I go to school at Sarah Lawrence College. I'm studying sociology and psychology. Social Development I got a B-plus and a great review, that's awkward. I never understand why they give you such a great review of who you are and the work you've done, but still a B-plus is sufficient.

Mark:

Hey. What's up?

Clair:

I got something in the mail. It's from one of the doctors that performs the surgery.

Mark:

Have you been thinking about it? Have you made any decisions about going through with the bottom surgery, or?

Clair:

I'm not sure. It's just  a big decision to make.

Mark:

Well, I mean, it's up to you. When the time is right, it will be right, and you'll know that it's what you want to do.

Mark:

Clair was planning on moving to San Francisco. So we all toured the city, and I fell in love with San Francisco. There's something about it for her though, that she just didn't really fall in love with. If it was up to her, I would be in New York right now, living with her or close by. I knew that it didn't work when we lived together when we were teenagers, and I just knew that, you know, unfortunately it wouldn't probably work now. As close as we are.

Friend:

Have you told then about the elevator yet?

Mark:

The elevator is just the beginning of the story.

Friend:

Oh no.

Friend:

Oh that guy in the elevator at Macy's? Did you actually hook up with that guy?

Mark:

You heard about this?

Friend:

I heard just some guy in the elevator at Macy's.

Mark:

So I went over to his house, and we had some glasses of wine.

Friend:

So did you sleep over at the penthouse?

S-U-G D-A-D , sugardaddy!

Mark:

The relationships I have with men, I've never felt that true unconditional love. They've never known me. You know, I give up quickly, or I'm always disappointed.

Home we go.

So I think it's almost pointless to randomly hook up with people if it doesn't make me feel good. As exciting as it may seem in thought, in reality, it never really is for me.

Clair:

I live off campus, it's not walking distance. So I take a cab like everywhere.

Clair:

Hi,

Jamie:

Hi Clair.

Clair:

Thanks for picking me up.

Jamie:

Okay, how are you?

Clair:

Fine.

Clair:

Jaime is that person. Basically, he's been taking me around since I moved here.

Clair:

How was your Easter?

Jamie:

Nice, nice, how was yours?

Clair:

I didn't really do anything Easter-ish. I had an Easter cupcake.

Jamie:

An Easter cupcake?

Clair:

He's so nice, and compassionate, and interested in me. And just really funny. He's always there whenever I need him. We've just become friends through just spending time together, driving back and forth.

Clair:

Did you get your kid an Easter basket?

Jamie:

Oh yeah.

Mark:

She needs other people in her life. Growing up, I always kind of felt like I was the one kind of needing him more than he needed me. Now the roles have kind of switched. Today she told me that she wanted to visit the last week of this month.

Mark:

Are you mad? Well, can't we make it for like the first week of June? That would be so much better for me.  If that's the only time you'll come then...

Mark:

I'm the only one that she has, and that's a lot of pressure now that she's not the only one that I need.

Clair:

I think he has changed. I think he's a different person in a lot of ways, than the person I grew up with. I have a lot of issues that I'm dealing with by myself in my own mind, that he doesn't really ask about. And that's difficult because I need him. I'm just learning different expectations. Or different aspects of our relationship I guess.

Mark:

She seems just as depressed and upset most of the time, that she did when we were Mark and Alex in high school. And that's really scary. I worry about Clair all the time. Every day, I think about her.

Mark:

Hi. Alex and I are going to be doing some jump rope moves for you. I'm going to be doing a double-under and a side-swing criss-cross. Here's some more jumps!

Text:

Mark and Clair are going home to visit their family in Missoula, Montana.

Mark:

It's going to be hard for Clair to come home to Montana because she hasn't been around those people that she knew when she was Alex.

Clair:

It's difficult to have to go home and explain myself and then also worry about running into people that possibly wouldn't understand, or don't want to understand. Or think it's gross, or disgusting.

Mark:

Now take a left here.

Clair:

I get to practice my roundabouts. Never done that.

Mark:

This is the high school.

Clair:

There were several times where Mark and I had to run out of this doorway to skip classes and smoke pot. It was like a daily thing, actually.

Mark:

Our church is coming up here, our Christian Science church. Right here on your right. Clair:

Look there's deer.

Mark:

They're twins!

Clair:

They are twins.

Mark:

We had a really fun childhood. Jump roping and eating popsicles. Playing hide and go seek. That was before things became complicated.

Clair:

Gum?

Mark:

Check.

Clair:

Hand lotion?

Mark:

Check.

Dora:

I hate to ask this Mark, but before you did all your food business, did you wash your hands?

Mark:

I did.

Dora:

I'm going to have some of this. And I'm going to have some cheese.

Clair:

My grandmother as a Christian Scientist, is very rigid in her beliefs.

Dora:

Is that just a space between your teeth? Have you always had that?

Mark:

Yeah!

Clair:

Christian Scientists believe that the body is image and likeness of God, so if I was born with a penis, then God made it so.

Dora:

So are we about ready to eat?

Mark and Clair:

Yeah.

Dora:

They were always good eaters. They were easy children to be around. I don't know whether you'd call them sweet or not, but they were very well-behaved youngsters. When I was your age, or lots younger than that, it was made clear to me that you make your own hell. I just knew that the kingdom of heaven was within, and if I didn't accept that I could make my own hell. So I was taught that. And so were you. And you mind, both of you made a lot of hell. But you did do it.

Clair:

I'm not sure what the temperature is going to be like up here, but.

Mark:

I want to jump in the river before we go up to the lake, hopefully.

Clair:

Maybe we can get some snacks, like some cool water or beverages.

Mark:

My favorite thing about Montana is going up to the lake. We've been going there since we were kids.

Jennie:

I only knew three days before I had them that I was having twins. And I would sit on the sofa with them for hours and hours. And then when they were in kindergarten,  I asked their teacher, "Do you think Mark and Alex are gay?" They were so sweet and much more feminine in who they were than masculine. And she was like, "Oh no, no, they're not gay. You can always tell." I saw her maybe three years ago and I told her who they were today and everything, and she was just flabbergasted. I asked her, I said, "Do you remember my asking you if they were gay?" And she was like, "No, not really." And I said, "Well, you were wrong." I had to really talk a lot for the schools to allow me to keep them in the same class. They wanted to separate them. And you know, looking back on it, I probably should have done that. But I had the philosophy that what God had put together, no man could take asunder.

Voice:

Well here we are at Flathead Lake on another fourth of July. Today is July fourth, 1994. And as you can see, it is a very typical Flathead from 1994. And here's Scott, looking his loveliest.

Mark:

Well, the relationship my parents had was really distant. My mom told us that they had decided to get a divorce. And that my father had been lying to us and telling us every day that he was going to work, when in actuality, he had lost his job six months before. He would get up, put a suit on, and I really don't know what all he did.

Jennie:

Scott and I were getting the divorce when they were around 11. So there was a lot of upheaval then in our family anyway. And I wasn't probably as focused on them as I needed to be at that time.

Jennie:

Ooh- almost didn't do it.

Jennifer:

Jennie, I mean, she deserves the mother of the year award. She was always involved with everything the boys did. Gosh, I've been friends with Jennie for... I don't know. 10 years. I was going through my own separation and the judge told me that I had to move out of the house. So Jennie begged me to move up here. And I've been here ever since. I don't know. I just can't ever picture myself not having Jennie in my life, ever.

Jennie:

I have a lot of relationships that just aren't defined in our society. I mean, there's no way that you can say it. It's not a partnership, it's not a, I don't know. We sleep in the same bed, we are very close friends, but we are not gay. This is the way we start every morning. Today is the day that the Lord hath made. And we're going to rejoice in it, and be exceedingly glad. For great is our reward in Heaven.  I guess I just don't worry too much about those labels.

Mark:

So do you need help with anything Mom, cookbooks?

Jennie:

Actually, I'm going to need someone to chop up some things for me.

Clair:

I'll do that.

Jennie:

Thank you honey.

Jennie:

I can remember when she first came out as transgender, she said to me, "But why are you so upset? You've always wanted a girl." I was devastated. I worry about Clair. Her courage and her strength are what is both a good thing and a bad thing. She is somebody that is going to get what she wants. Pursue it till the end. And like I say, that's a good thing and that's a bad thing.

Clair:

It's hard to go home primarily because I think she sees me as someone who's wronged her and made her life miserable. She is still furious with me. She does not see the person I am, she just sees someone who is trying to hurt her.

Jennie:

I think people felt sorry for me. It was like, "Oh Jennie, you know, you don't have normal children." Along with Alex and Mark's losing their friends, I lost my friends. They would avoid me. See me walking down the aisle in the  grocery store, and turn around and walk the other way. I quit going to my women's group because they told me: your issues are so difficult. We can't help you. And they didn't want to hear it. They didn't want to handle it. Who does?

Mark:

There wasn't a sense of control. I remember looking in the mirror and being attracted to myself. Alex was my reflection.

Jennie:

They know each other in ways that you and I will never know them. All we really had was each other.

Scott:

The problems really started when they went to high school. And then everything sort of went to hell. And their grades were bad, and their attendance was off, and these other issues that we didn't know about at the time started to surface.

Jennie:

After I divorced Scott, about six months later I met Tim, and that became again, a pretty all-consuming relationship for me. I was in love. So whatever Mark and Alex were doing, as long as I didn't have to take them somewhere or do something for them and with them, I was with Tim. That was when things changed. That was when they realized that they could get away with quite a bit because I was so preoccupied.

Scott:

I found a bong in my garage. And of course their excuse or story was, they were holding it for a friend. His dad would be quite upset if he had it, type of thing. Well, I was dumb, I wasn't that dumb. I figured that probably wasn't completely true. And that turned into an episode where Alex, at the time, became quite violent and got a broom or something, and started to come after me with this broom. And it sort of flashed through my mind. Only two things can happen: either he's going to beat the shit out of me, or I'm going to beat the shit out of him. And either way that's not a good resolution of this.

Clair:

I don't even know how it all started, but it just began and it just never really stopped.

Mark:

It just seemed to kind of take over like wildfire.

Clair:

Yeah, because once we'd try one drug, then the next time we'd be doing something else. So we progressed really quickly from marijuana, and then cocaine, and then medications...

Jennie:

Did you say cocaine? It was such a remote thought. I didn't even think that cocaine was in Missoula. I mean it was something that people in Beverly Hills used. I didn't think of it as a present possibility.

Text:

In seventh grade, Alex came out as gay. Mark's classmates assumed that he was gay as well, despite his attempts to remain in the closet. The twins were tormented by students and teachers alike. Their relationship began to suffer.

Mark:

We had the same room up until we were about 13. And then my mom decided to put a wall between us because we were fighting so much and beating the shit out of each other.

We were definitely really self-conscious at that  point in our life, and having each other kind of as a mirror for what we didn't like about ourselves.

Clair:

Yeah, I was just thinking about that too. But I was also really like physically abusive. I would just beat him up, spit in his face. But Mark had a little tongue on him. And I think he was -

Mark:

-verbal. I definitely was verbally abusive.

Clair:

And it carries on today. But I don't beat him.

Text:

In eighth grade, Mark and Alex met Casey, a seventeen year-old DJ.

Mark:

When Alex and I were in middle school, there really wasn't anybody else that was gay that we knew of. So when we met Casey, who was young and gay also, it was really exciting for both of us. We both fell for him. Casey knew that Alex and I weren't getting along at that time. And he would tell me that he liked me more than he liked Alex. You know, I think he took advantage of both of us sexually.

Clair:

He was trying to have sex with me, and I said no, and I started screaming no.

Mark:

We would have sex, and I would tell him to stop because it was way too painful to handle, and he wouldn't.  I realized that he was a pedophile when he brought over this ten year-old boy, got us both really, really drunk, and raped him in the bathroom. I remember just feeling completely helpless. When he came out the kid was like in shellshock or something. He was like, shaking and curled up in the floor in a ball. It was fucking horrible. We had to press charges.

Text: The ten-year old boy refused to testify.

There wasn't enough evidence to prosecute.

Clair:

If I had known that Mark needed someone and wanted someone to love him, as much as I wanted that. I guess I would have tried to protect him. Or at least I tell myself that I wish I could have protected him.

Mark:

One of the main reasons why Casey was able to do all that he did was because Alex and I, our relationship was falling apart and we both just felt so alone. I think that's when suicide started to come up in my mind.

Voice:

Guess what little birdie? You're on candid camera.

Don't you ever take my coffee again.

Jennie:

We're being very snuggly. Tender. This is a tender moment. Of the many we have throughout the day.

Scott:

Well, if you just look at them one year at time, each year, you really don't notice the changes. But if you spread them out and look at them over time, it really kind of shows the cloudy day is kind of arriving and be there in the background, and you might not notice it if you just see the photographs.

Clair:

I was depressed. I knew Mark was depressed. I wanted to escape. And it wasn't working anymore escaping the way I was.

Mark:

I asked Alex to make a promise.  I told him he had to say yes before I told him what it was. I started telling him that I didn't feel that anyone really loved us and that we had a place in this life. Things had to be better somewhere else.

Clair:

Where are we going to go? Who says where we're going to go is going to be any better than where we're at? He was like no, we're going to be together and we're going to be happy.

Mark:

We finally decided on taking my dad's car up to this bluff looking over Missoula.

Clair:

We both did half an eight ball of coke. Mark got the hose in the car.

Mark:

We turned on the car, closed all the windows and started breathing in the fumes.

Clair:

He kept kind of shaking me and we were both in the back seat, he wanted me to get up, get up. You can't die yet. No, we have to die together. Wake up, wake up, wake up.

Mark:

We stayed in there for hours, and I remember at one point I was like, this isn't working. We're not dying. And so we talked about driving the car off the cliff.

Clair:

I don't want to drive off the side of the cliff. Please let's not do this. I just want to go home.

Mark:

So I got out of the car and took the hose out of the exhaust and drove us home.

Scott:

I heard the garage door open and they drove in.  I went out there and they told me that they tried to commit suicide. I can't even comprehend what that might be like. I'm so grateful that that didn't happen.

Jennie:

I don't have a career. My family is my career. And that was one of the things that was really hardest for me. Is that I lost being a wife an being a mother. I don't feel that I was successful at either. So I've spent a lot of sleepless nights trying to absolve myself of my own insistent responsibility for what happened. I mean I know that I have them back, but I really don't think of them as my children. They're young people I know.

Text:

After undergoing drug rehab, the twins were sent to separate boarding schools for troubled youth. They weren't allowed to communicate with each other for over two years. When the twins were finally reunited, Alex told Mark of his decision to become Clair.

Mark:

Hey Clair.

Clair:

Hey baby, how are you?

Mark:

Good. I met this boy named David.

Clair:

You already told me about David.

Mark:

No, this is a new David.

Clair:

You're not seeing anybody else?

David:

No, are you?

Mark:

No.

David:

I don't think we ever talked about that.

Mark:

We didn't?

David:

Perhaps drunkenly the first time we met, but that was in passing.

Mark:

What's this scar from?

David:

I got in this fight in the fifth grade, and he had a switchblade.

Mark:

Crazy, fifth grade?

David:

No, I'm kidding, I got my appendix taken out. See, I can lie too. Your name's not even Oliver.

Mark:

It is too!

Mark:

To start this relationship with David is hard, because one, I've never been this close to anyone other than Clair. I definitely sense his, his kind of fear in getting close to me because there is so much in my life that I've gone through. It's a lot to take in and it's a lot to accept when you're just looking to have a boyfriend.

Scott:

Mark wants a relationship so badly. He wants another person's love. He's really grown, having David's love, and being able to love David.

Clair:

The closeness that they have is something that I think about. But when I saw them together I saw that they cared about each other a lot. And I kind of gave him the stamp of approval. He was a nice guy.

Mark:

I know Clair likes David, but I think there is this jealousy that she doesn't have that in her life. That she doesn't have someone she can count on and love, and that will love her back (that's not family.)

Mark:

Alex and I were extremely close, and Clair and I are still extremely close. So whoever comes into my life and whoever I become intimate with needs to accept basically the fact that, you know, she'll always be in my life. No one can come into my life and replace that.

Jennie:

For Mark and Clair to have complicated relationships independent of each other will free them I think from the complications that they've had in their relationship and make them realize that loving someone else, caring for someone else, investing time in someone else, doesn't lessen the intensity of the relationship for them.

Clair:

The Pisces female. Appearance: Typical Pisces woman has clear, soft, skin, whatever her color. Has large eyes and oval face. A typical Pisces woman does not try to dominate her partner in any way. Has an air of feminine mystery. Hmm. To many men, Pisces is a perfect feminine woman. She may appear to be helpless, fluffy person, but once married, she will feel secure and the reserve of talents and abilities will pour out in every direction.

Mark:

Did you make the appointment with the doctor?

Clair:

Yeah, I did. I made the appointment and they'll be doing the electrolysis both on my face and genitals, so they'll be putting me under. I'll probably be out of it for a couple of days, so I'm glad you'll be there.

Mark:

Yeah, I'm really glad I'll be there too, to take care of you a little bit.

Text:

Clair is still deciding if sexual reassignment surgery is the right choice for her.

I have to understand why I want to do the surgery before I do it. One reason might be, maybe I could have a relationship. But I don't want the reason to be, men might like me if I do this. I might find someone who likes me. Making the decision to be more invisible, making my life more invisible by having the surgery, I don't think that's the right reason. If I woke up one day, and people didn't look at me, and they didn't wonder what I was, man, woman. I think my life would be a lot easier. Because I wouldn't have to worry about that. There would be other things that would be more important. Whether I was a good person. Whether I hurt people or not. Whether or not I did something with my life.

Text:

Clair is undergoing electrolysis to remove hair from her face and genitals.

Doctor:

Are you getting sleepy? Oh goody, you're going to fall asleep soon. Lucky you. Sweet dreams. Have lots of good dreams, ok?

Mark:

I think it was shocking to realize the amount of pain and the amount of doctors visits and surgery that she's willing to go through to fully become Clair. Watching the doctors kind of poke and prod at her while she was passed out was really hard to watch. I didn't like feeling that her transformation would put her through pain.

Clair:

My dad, he said, I'll do whatever I can to help you. He's paid for all of my laser and electrolysis, thing that I wouldn't be able to do for myself if he wasn't there.

Scott:

We discussed it and she sort of gave the case on why she would be a healthier, happier and wiser person to do this, to be her true self. I found the argument very persuasive, sincere and heartfelt, and I told her I was willing to help her financially as best I could.

Clair:

I'm taking my dad around campus today, just to let him kind of see what I've been up to.

Scott:

It's actually pretty with the leaves off.

Clair:

Come downstairs, because it's my hangout, actually.

Scott:

So if you wanted to get in here, these just move or you push the thing, or? Are there any safety things if I'm in the middle there?

Clair:

I hope so.

Scott:

Let's say I was in the middle, or somebody ran in -

Clair:

Let's go try it.

It wasn't stopping so, I stopped it myself!

Scott:

No it doesn't because if I put my foot there, I tell you, it's not stopping. No, this is very dangerous, I won't work on that other building until we get this squared away.

What was this one? You never mentioned that.

Clair:

Sex is Not a Natural Act? Yeah. It's a sexuality course.

Scott:

I didn't realize you were talking so many classes.

Clair:

This wasn't all this semester!

Scott:

Oh, that's your cumulative. I thought it was just this semester.

Clair:

I did pretty well though.

Scott:

B+ is very good.

Clair:

Well, thank you.

Clair:

I think he really has accepted me as Clair. I remember one day, he was like, "You look beautiful. And it just meant like so much to me. To have him acknowledge that I was his daughter. I just knew at that moment that he was there.

Scott:

Supporting my children has been the best investment I've ever made.

Love ya.

Clair:

I love you too.

Teacher:

Things do not mean the same thing everywhere that they go.

Clair:

I'm graduating in May, from Sarah Lawrence College, with a liberal arts degree.

Jennie:

Her success in school, to realize how bright she is, how capable she is, is really important. Last summer I realized that this was truth for Clair, that this wasn't a façade. When I first met her as Clair, it seemed to me as though she was like a mannequin. I think the façade has completely dissipated.

Clair:

I'm going to take some time off before I get my masters, and move to California. Hopefully Mark will accept me there and be open to the idea. I think he is. It will be the first time that Mark and I have lived together since we were fifteen, so over 8 years.

David:

So I got you a gift.

Mark:

You got me a present? Why? Oh wow.

David:

I was going to get you the Prague one, but they ran out.

Mark:

I'm going to be going to the Academy of Fine Arts in Prague for a semester. I'm really nervous because I won't have all the support that I have here and in Montana, and it will feel far away.

David:

Well, you pronounce it "Praha"

Mark:

David is going to be teaching English in Paris while I'm in Prague. The next time I'm going to see him will be when we're both in Europe.

Clair:

I'm pretty sad about Mark going to Prague. I don't know, I just notice that I can feel him moving... there's like already this feeling of him being gone.

Mark:

I've been in Prague for four months. I'm going to the Academy of Fine Arts in Prague. Mark:

So you went out the other night? To... with friends? Uh, to pub? With friends, comrades?

Friend:

Uh, sorry, I don't understand?

Mark:

I wish I was home for Christmas. There's this kind of like empty feeling without having my family with me.

In Prague, I haven't really had a lot of friends or relationships, and kind of been the lonely one, and wanting to talk to Clair and call her.

Clair:

Hey, are you sleeping?         

Mark:

Um, no, I'm in bed. I'm so jealous you're home for Christmas.

Clair:

I know, but guess what? I got an email from Ladd. Do you remember him from grade-school?

Mark:

Um yeah, he was kind of like that dorky kid that played Dungeons and Dragons?

Clair:

Yeah, but he's not Ladd anymore. He's actually Rachel. He's living as trans in Missoula.

Clair:

The whole process of the actual surgery, was it traumatizing or was it a good experience?

Rachel:

For me it was an awesome experience. I felt like I should have a vagina, and I that I should be in that position, and it feels better to me.

Rachel:

It didn't feel like we could talk long enough to catch up on everything that had happened and we were just there, really wanting to share it with each other.

Rachel:

The correct surgical procedure is as follows: amputation of the penis. The two testicles removed. The scrotal skin serves as a tentative construction of the vulva. The urethra is grafted to a normal vulvular area for a woman. By means of a penal skin flap, penal skin and sometimes scrotal skin, we shall attempt to construct a cavity between the bladder and the rectum.

Clair:

Oh, I don't know, it sounds like, I don't know.

Rachel:

Oh it's wonderful, Clair.

Clair:

I'm not ready for that.

Rachel:

Clair is scared of her own vagina.

Clair:

I don't even have it yet!

Rachel:

It's been, oh God, um, 24 days ago, that I went through and had the surgery, so I just got back. Appearance wise, things take about four months for the scars to heal. That's me. Two weeks after the surgery.

Don't throw up Clair.

Clair:

I did just eat lunch.

Rachel:

I know, it's a little hacked up, but it's a couple of weeks after the surgery.

Clair:

It's not just that, I mean, I looked at pictures of vaginas when I was shopping for them, and they all look kind of gross.

Rachel:

Yeah, I know. It looks a lot better now.

Clair:

And then I didn't even know what a vagina looked like so I had to go and look at real porn. To look at what real vaginas looked like. It definitely looks like um, a vagina.

Rachel:

Yes. Sixteen grand.

Rachel:

My parents, they still don't know I went and had the surgery. So we've got a lot of things to work through still.

Clair:

Oh my god. You're scaring me.

Rachel:

Why?

Clair:

Because you totally look different.

Rachel:

Well, I'd hope so. I don't want to look like a guy anymore.

Clair:

I had a great time with her. I think she really does understand what I'm going through. I really do feel like we're soul mates in a lot of ways.

Rachel:

I'm excited to teach you all about "shotgun-ism." You're not afraid, are you?

Clair:

Kind of, yeah. Guns scare me. Wal-Mart scares me.

Rachel:

This is scarier than the guns.

Clair:

I want an orange vest.  Look at those pelts. Oh my God.

Rachel:

Extra shells. Check.

Clair:

Do we need a bullet-proof vest? We need a pigeon-thrower?

Rachel:

Yes, we need a pigeon-thrower. And earplugs. And a box of these.

Clair:

I need a big flashlight. Just a few dots.

Rachel:

Okay. The way this loads, um, you just pull this back, and the shell will slide in. And there's a button on the bottom that pulls it into action. Now it's life. When you say pull, I'll throw it.

Clair:

So you're throwing it where?

Rachel:

There.

Clair:

Ok. Pull!

Did I hit it?

Rachel:

It broke.

Clair:

Oh, this is fun.

Rachel:

We found Clair's new sport.

Clair:

Pull.  Fuck. Are they blanks?

Clair:

Gender is really not that important. It's more of a socially constructed idea. Since I'm in a world where that's constructed, I have to choose. One thing, or the other. Not both.

Clair:

Alright. I'll hand over the gun for now.

Oh yeah, fuck yeah!

Mark:

My visits to see David is what's gotten me though feeling really lonely in Prague. You know it's like, knowing that I'm going to see him, and having the plane ticket, means that I have something to look forward to. We've talked about the future and wanting to stay together and possibly raise a family, and even like, live together long-term. So it sounds like a really wonderful future. So if that happens I would be really happy. I think my time in Prague, you know, being alone and being separated from David, I realized how important that is to me. I'm going to visit David in Paris tomorrow for about a week and a half. Then I'm headed back to San Francisco.

David:

I'm bummed you're not going to be living here with me for the next four months.

Mark:

I'm just happy that we're together now. Life is good.

Mark:

In the past I didn't think it was really possible for someone to really care about me or love me the way that David does. I like who I am when I'm with him and I feel like I'm the best person that I can be.

Rachel:

Thank you for coming, this means so much to me.

Clair:

How far away do I have to drive?

Rachel:

Down to Lewis and Clark school.

Clair:

I want to meet these people that seem to break your heart.

Rachel:

I'm surprised I'm even going. I told them I wasn't going to go unless they started calling me Rachel on the phone and showing me some respect.

Clair:

And did they call you Rachel on the phone?

Rachel:

No they didn't. And they won't call me it tonight, I know they won't. If I can at least get them to not call me Ladd, that will at least be a step.

Clair:

Well, what's the alternative?

Rachel:

Nothing.

Rachel:

My bet is this is going to last probably no more than five minutes.

Ok. Here we go. Hello!

Voice:

Hi Ladd...

Rachel:

It's Rachel.

Clair:

I think having Rachel up in my house has really changed my mom's thinking, I think because she sees the pain that Rachel is in because of the way that her parents are treating her. So she basically said, come for Christmas, come up anytime, I'm going to be here for you. And I think just hearing her say that makes me feel like I can go to her. Even though she's never said that to me.

Clair:

For a long time, I wasn't sure, and I don't think she was sure if she loved me. But I think she does, and so the fact that I have her, and that I have Rachel, makes me think that I can get through anything. And that our family can survive anything. I guess I feel that I can go home now, for the first time.

Jennie:

Oh, it's just beautiful Clair. Isn't it beautiful?

Jennie:

When all is said and done, it's your child. And the qualities and the soul and the spirit of that person continue, regardless of the outer manifestation of gender. And I want a relationship with my child.

Jennifer:

Clair graduates in May!

Jennie:

I see you Clair as being successful at whatever you choose to do. I trust that you know what that is.

Jennifer:

Some kind of fashion consultant.

Clair:

Are you serious?

Jennifer:

An airline stewardess!

Jennie:

Not an airline stewardess.

Clair:

Can we not ask these questions?

Jennie:

It's so valuable to me to have Clair in my life, that my biases have slipped away. But part of that slipping away, is the mourning of the loss of Alex. I knew that the healing was taking place for me when I began to see the qualities that I so appreciated about Alex still present in Clair. The child that I wanted to love.

Mark:

Three years in Paris is a long time. It would be great, but -

David:

I would be 26 when I came back.

Mark:

Yeah, I definitely don't know where I'll be in three years. I'd like to be with you.

David:

I just don't like thinking about after next week. Cause it's going to be really hard when you leave. But objectively it's good for us to spend time apart because we're able to be more independent, but it's still fucking hard.

Mark:

But I think there are experiences that you need to have, or you've said you've wanted to have. Experiences that you can't necessarily have with me. I don't know what are some of those things?

David:

I don't know, I don't have anything like really cement or concrete that I'm thinking of. I don't know, I guess it's just like... being not in a couple or something?

Mark:

I'm going back to San Francisco and David's going to be staying here in Paris. He's even talked about staying for up to three years. I feel like I can make the commitment that I want to spend three years with him. I try not to take it personally that he can say, "Who knows what will happen." It is hurtful. I don't know where I'd be without Clair. No matter what changes Clair or I go through, she'll always be my other half. You know, I'm really excited that she's going to be moving to San Francisco because she is my best friend and someone I can really count on.

Text:

Two months later.

Mark:

Hey. How's it going?

Mark:

Welcome to San Francisco.

Clair:

I know, it's officially my home now.

Text:

Four months after moving to San Francisco, Clair received a graduation present from her father.

She made an appointment at a surgical center in Montreal.

Mark:

I love you.

Clair:

I love you too.

Mark:

I'll talk to you when you get out of surgery.

Clair:

I really don't think that I was born in this world as a man, or as a woman. I think the process of changing was the path I was born into.

Mark:

I love you. I'll be with you the whole time.

Mark:

No matter what happens, Clair and I will always be identical twins.

Text:

On October 17^th, 2007, Clair underwent sexual reassignment surgery. Mark was there to take care of her.

Jennie:

I'm extremely proud of Mark and Clair. They were given life when the suicide attempt was just that, an attempt. They are on a path that none of us can really know, but it will be important.

Clair:

I do have hope for my family. I think we really do represent freedom. Freedom from the past, freedom from limitations. And that our goal is not to change each other but to fully become the people that we are.

Scott:

I think one of the things that I've taken away from my experiences is that a family has to be adaptive and supportive, and if you're honest with each other and love each other, it somehow works out. Maybe not the way you intended in the beginning, but it will eventually.

Mark:

We must evolve towards each other. And that's what we're doing as a family. That is the story.