voice-over scene of dock fading into fog.

VO: “Often we fail to recognize the effect that secrets have on our lives. They are like a quiet cancer that eats away at our souls and devours our relationships. When we enter into a contract of secrecy with someone, we give a little piece of ourselves away. If we give away too many pieces of ourselves, we end up with nothing.”

Ann’s discovery re-enactment, as it is in the trailer—her voice-over the car in driveway, going to front door, discovery, etc.

I was teaching school in Boulder. . . . I forgot something, a notebook or something I needed, and I ran home at like 10:20 in the morning. . . . I got to the front door and my key wouldn’t work, which is really—you know, it’s my own house. And so I rang the doorbell. Nothing. I rang it again, and the deadbolt was locked. . . .So finally, my husband in a bathrobe comes running to the door and opens it up. And I’m like, ‘Why is the deadbolt on? . . . And I remember him looking kinda nervous, and I just came home to get my notebook, but you know, I don’t think I ever picked the notebook up, because I felt a feeling of something not right in his nervousness. And as I walked by the steps to go down to the basement, I saw the lights on down there and I thought, ‘what in the world’. . . . So I walked down the stairs and he’s following quickly behind me, asking me what I’m looking for. . . . And I went downstairs and all the lights were on. There were two coffee cups on the table there in front of the couch. . . . And they’re spread apart, you know. . . .And I said, ‘Why are there two coffee cups here?’ And he said, ‘I just didn’t wanna go back upstairs and get a second cup, so I brought two down.’ Well, everything in me said something’s not right. So I started searching. . . . I just wanted to look around. I don’t know what I was looking for. And I walked into the spare bedroom down there, and as I walked in, a young man ran out. We squeezed through the doorway together. He’s running out as I’m running in. All I noticed is an earring in his right earlobe. And all of a sudden everything started coming together. I mean, it happened suddenly, like whoa, this is the truth. My husband was with this man and he’s a gay man and my life is over as I knew it.

Title: CAROL GREVER, AUTHOR AND STRAIGHT SPOUSE

Carol on camera, from the trailer version

Shots of Carol with Jim, wedding, then other still photos. (Use one of Carol’s wedding pix, not the kneeling couple in a Catholic church. I think that’s Ann’s photo.)

Carol reaching for books on shelves

[Note: Is there a better frame of me taking a book off the shelf? I don’t like the one in the present version.]

Carol typing at her computer. Fade to Jacqueline.

When two people marry, and one of them is secretly gay, their relationship will surely be jeopardized. I’m Carol Grever, and I know this from personal experience.

In 1991, my husband of 30 years came out. With his one sentence, “I’m gay,” life for both of us changed forever. Our marriage crumbled and I felt utterly alone, not knowing that there were millions of others just like me. I looked for help, but found very few resources.

As I rebuilt my life, I determined to help others wounded by these complicated marriages.

[Jacqueline’s new footage to tell her discovery story only. Stress that this is presently happening; she doesn’t know how it will end.]

My husband was having back trouble and he couldn't walk well for three or four months. And he asked me to please get something for him out of his gym bag. And I went up to his gym bag and there I found a package of condoms, several packages. And I know they're not for me and I know what they're about. And I go in the house and I just show it to him with a really I-am-so-angry. And I said I don’t wanna talk about this. . . . And after about three hours, he came to me and he said "I'm just dying. We have to talk about this,” . . . . And then he said, he was a very nice older man who was married. [p. 1 of # -18]

Show Dan working at home

VO: Both men and women experience similar distress after discovering that their mates are gay.

Dan’s second interview tape. Intersperse photos of Dan and his children with him on camera.

Photos of Dan with the kids

Dan on camera

. . . she came home one day and said that she thought she was falling in love with her best friend. [p. 4 of Dan’s second transcript -17]

. . . we had a period of- of trying to work it out, but it was also a period of- of great darkness, as I recall it, of being jealous all the time because she said she wouldn't be lovers with her friend but she was still going to be friends with her. And of course, every time she went out it felt like I was being betrayed again. So it was a pretty dark period until it finally fell apart.

[p. 8]

And when she said she was planning on going to the West Coast, I said, "Well, you can't take the kids." And she said . . . “I don't want to take the kids." And that's when I realized that . . . I was bound to be a single dad. And . . . I've been a single dad, you know, pretty much 90 percent of the time for the last eight years or more. [p. 11]

. . . it's betrayal in that classic sense of adultery . . . it's a pretty classic uh.. pain. And then to have it doubled in some ways by being something that you don't understand and you can't fight and you can't . . . in any way change, . . . there was no way . . . for me to react but with just, you know, unbelievable sadness and frustration . . . [p. 5]

Carol and Kathe with photos

VO: Once we know the truth, we wonder how we missed it for so long.

Kathe on camera

Show Carol and Kathe looking at Kathe’s wedding pictures.

Still photos of Kathe and Charles.

Kathe on camera

“I felt like a freak because, first of all, I guess I should have known. I should have seen more of the clues that were dropped along the way. And I just felt like I had been duped and deceived into something that wasn’t real. And it just seemed really odd that you could be with someone that long and they could turn out to be someone totally different than you thought you were going to be with.” [p. 3]

“There is a level of secrecy between when you find out and when you decide to leave the relationship. And you don’t know who to talk to, who to trust, who might turn their back on you if they find out your situation.” [p. 4]

Carol’s voice-over

Show support group talking together.

VO: Sharing the closet of secrecy is horrible for most of us. For your own well-being, it is essential to find someone you trust to confide in, a counselor or friend, or a relative. Lots of people join straight spouse groups for support.

Amity Title: AMITY PIERCE BUXTON, FOUNDER, STRAIGHT SPOUSE NETWORK

Amity on camera at first, leading to support group scene.

Show support group

The Straight Spouse Network is a network of personal confidential support. . . . The group is very much like a self-help group. It’s peer run, there’s no gay-bashing allowed, there’s no telling people what to do. . . . it’s a way for spouses to share their stories, ask questions for other people’s input. . . . And it’s quite amazing to see people helping each other with insights that you wouldn’t think that they would have when they first came in.” [p. 12]

Jane, group leader

But people said, ‘You had such a perfect marriage. What did you do?’ So it was that sense that it was my fault. . . . [p. 14 of transcript -14]

Kathe, in support group

Show Kathe burying her wedding ring.

I remember when my daughter told me, she was really angry and she even had her hands in fists, and she said, "Mommy, you broke up our family." I just couldn't believe I was hearing it, and at that time, I think she was three or four years old, so it's not something she could have made up. And I was just so angry, and I couldn't figure out what to do with it. So the next day I dressed in black, and I went out in the back yard, and I dug a really deep hole, and I took off my wedding ring and I put it in the hole and I buried it. [p. 11 of transcript -14]

Jane, in support group

You know, I think the untruths and then the secrets are the most painful part. . . . . . . .I really thought I was the only person in the world that it had happened to, so the isolation. [p. 11, transcript -14]

Bruce, in support group

Show Bruce and Ben eating on trays, watching TV, other appropriate scenes of Bruce at home (demonstrate loneliness)

. . . . . .but for me, the reality is, I still haven't gotten over this. . . . I had this picture that we'd be growing old together. . . . . .I really wanted to have for my son an Ozzie and Harriet family life, where he was going to grow up with an intact family . . . . . Sure, I don't dwell on it all the time, but the hurt never entirely has gone away

KEEP THIS

Kathe, in support group

Show photos of Kathe and daughter

Photo of Kathe’s home

Kathe, on camera

Jane

I think for me, the hardest thing is that life is so hard. I'm a single mom. I'm the major breadwinner. I have major custody of my daughter. Hopefully there will be someone who comes into my life. Hopefully, I'm not so resentful that I'm turning them away. But there are times when I think, he made it out of this and he built a really nice life. And I'm trying to build a nice life, but I'm building it pretty much by myself. [p. 1, transcript -15]

And it's hard

Bruce, in support group

Support in general for living is what everybody needs, it's hard to go it alone. [p. 11 of -15

Voice over

VO: Professional counseling may be an alternative to support groups.

Joe

Sue and I were going through marital counseling at the time this whole thing came out, and so I did have a therapist that I was able to go see. And actually that was very helpful. . . . There are points where you really start doubting yourself and it’s really nice to have somebody just come along and say, ‘No, this is not your fault.’” (p. 30 of -01)

Carol’s voice-over

Show desert shots from moving car driving down the highway.

VO: Encouragement through counseling or support groups helps gay/straight couples meet another major challenge: telling the family.

Show outside of Jim’s house.

Gary on camera

Intersperse shots of Jim and his Palm Springs house

Gary on camera.

Show Jim’s table of photographs of family and various friends.

Fade to Bruce (Music?)

I drove down from Oakland and it’s about a 10-hour drive. And I got there at dinner time. And so he was piddling around the kitchen fixing dinner and just, you know, asking me general questions about what was going on—how I was doing. And then he said, “Well, . . . I had something I wanted to ask you.” And I said, “Okay, well, what’s that?” He said, “Are you—are you gay?” . . . I guess that was his way of entering into the conversation. So—and I said, “Well, no but, you know, I can see why you might think that ‘cause—‘cause I haven’t had a girlfriend in a few years.” And he said, “Okay, well I am!” [pp. 2-3]

“I didn’t fall over backwards surprised. But as I say, I had never thought to myself, ‘You know, gee, I think my dad’s gay.’ . . . It was more like a reminder that . . . as well as you think you know somebody, you may not—there may be things about him you don’t know.” [p. 3, paragraph 3]

I think my next reaction was, ”That’s, that’s—I’m sorry for mom.” And probably my next reaction was, “Oh, I’m sorry for you because you had to cover it up for all this time.” But it seemed to me at the time that I was old enough that it didn’t really have any effect on me. I had already been fledged into the world and it was sort of a . . . lateral matter between them as opposed to a vertical matter, you know, father-son thing. [p. 3, paragraph 2]

Bruce, on camera

Show family pictures when Ben was around 4 years old, Bruce pinning pix on his bulletin board.

Bruce, on camera

I also recall telling my son, he was age 4, things were going to happen that he was going to wonder about such as me moving into a different bedroom in the house so he needed to be explained something and so I talked to him about his mother was gay and she was there we were together but I did most of the talking, that meant it was a totally natural thing that although most men liked and loved women and get married to them, sometimes men like other men and sometimes women like other women and a few weeks later when we were driving the car I thought I'd quiz him a little bit and see what he took away from that talk and he said, "well mommy likes women and you like men." There was this symmetry in his level of cognitive development and I said, “No, mommy likes women and daddy likes women too…I think it took him a little while.

VOICE-OVER

Show Kathe walking up to the Boulder County Health Department building, reading sign, walking down the sidewalk and into the health department.

Straight spouses are also threatened by possible exposure to AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases. Now, AIDS test results are immediate, but a few years ago the process took weeks and people agonized while they waited.

Kathe, on camera

My lowest point was, after 14 years of being with my husband . . . after all those years of being faithful, I had to go get an AIDS test. And that made me furious, because he is the one who had been unfaithful, and I was the one who was put at risk. I could have died from his behavior. The day I went in for the test was a very long day for me and I was so angry I couldn't even cry about it.

Voice-over shots of Ann, looking sad.

VO: Usually this deep rage passes, but long-term emotional damage is another real danger.

Ann

MUSIC FOR TRANSITION

I’m not the vibrant personality. I’m not the fun-loving, you know. I gotta get that back. And so I tried and it was very difficult because all these years, 18 years, I thought there was something terribly wrong with me. My self-esteem, huh, it’s through the floor.

Bruce, on camera

Show Bruce at home, vegetating, watching TV, in the kitchen, lounging on the couch, eating, etc.

Show Bruce sitting outside, with book.

Bruce on camera

My work was important to me. But I saw my role as a husband and as a father to be more important than my work. So when I was no longer a husband, I lost that piece of my own identity.” (p. 6 of -12, second paragraph)

. . . Gradually, my world, sort of, tended to narrow into coming home from work and laying back on the couch and watching TV or reading and becoming more sedentary, not getting out as much. Not eating well. Putting on weight. And because I put on weight, I didn’t feel as good about myself, as far as my attractiveness in the dating scene. (p. 6 of -12, bottom of page)

During the warm weather months like now, I tend to sit—I bring out a chair and sit in front of my apartment building with a book. . . . I sit out front and talk to people walking by, get to know some of the neighbors . . .I’d say, in general, I still tend to isolate too much.”

(p. 7 of -12)

Voice-over shots of Ann.

VO: Depression, grief, and loss of self-esteem are common. But for most, a definite turning point occurs, some epiphany that points us toward recovery.

Ann

Ann, walking on bridge

Show Ann at work looking happy.

I get in a big mixed-up thing with trying to keep my job by doing drugs, and losing my job ‘cause I did drugs. ‘Cause I finally, after four or five years of trying to keep up a life like that, I went- had my brother go into work and tell ‘em I wouldn’t be back. And I put myself into a place in Denver . . .[p. 9 of -10]

“I went down there and 30 days, I came out and I said, ‘Never again.’ And I started to get a grip on my relationship with God again, and everything. . . . It took a lotta support and help to get me outta the depths, you know.”

[ first and last sentences, paragraph 1, p. 10 of transcript -10]

Kathe on camera

I was with a couple that I know and we were talking about the breakup of my marriage and my husband being gay, and I talked about how maybe it was me and I was not good enough or strong enough or whatever it was, sexy enough. And my friend’s husband said, ‘Well, maybe you’re just looking at that backwards. Maybe you should look at the fact that you’re a hell of a woman for keeping him straight as long as you did.’ And I was real encouraged by that.” (p. 7)

Kathe

Kathe taking books off the shelf in her bedroom.

Reading at home in her bed and/or on the living room chair.

Kathe on camera

I read a lot around that time about narcissism, about the Peter Pan syndrome, and I really did see myself as Wendy, as the one who took care of Peter Pan when Tinker Bell was the one who got all the perks. It’s not a role you want to be in for a long time. It’s really hard on your ego. It’s real hard on your self-esteem.

[p. 3]

I thought that if I was better, if I was more, if I had sex more often with him, whatever it is, that maybe it would make a difference, and if I had known then what I know now, I would have known how futile that was. He was moving in a direction like a moving train that I couldn’t stop. And the best thing I could do was to get off the track. (pp. 6-7)

Show Dan at work on his computer, papers scattered around table.

Dan, on camera (2nd interview tape)

Photos of Dan and kids

Dan, pointing to Ganesh plaque on the wall.

I'm a writer, I'm a journalist. I'd just completed my first book. And I had the idea that maybe I could take the kids on a trip around the world and possibly write a book about that, but more important to me was that I wanted to forge a family of three out of . . . the ashes of our family of four. . . . I wanted to use adventure as our crucible. [p. 7] . . . But it was mostly uh.. a time for the three of us to- to lick our collective wounds. [p. 9] . . the fact that I'm not afraid to lead a life that's a little bit out of the ordinary and take some chances has really stood all of us in pretty good stead. . . [p.10]

Kathe

Kathe pulling books in library stacks, telling about books in her talk at work.

Flash pictures of Amity and Jane and the support group.

Kathe driving her car.

Background music of one of the

“I’m going to be fine” songs.

TAKE OUT ANY BACKGROUND MUSIC THAT REQUIRES SPECIAL LICENSE.

Kathe on camera

Kathe in her garden.

Kathe on camera

I think the advice that I would give to someone who believes they’re a straight spouse going through this is just to realize that you are not alone. There are resources and people out there, and just seek them out wherever you can, either through friends or through the clergy, individual counseling, the straight spouse support network. . . . whatever you need to do to take care of yourself and to keep yourself afloat through this is really good.

I actually made a tape during that time of the music that I liked a lot. One side it was all the ‘done me wrong’ songs, and on the other side was all the ‘I’m going to be fine, I’m going to make it’ songs. And I would just put that on for myself as I was driving around, and I just found it really helped me a lot to have that. And now when I play the songs I just sort of laugh, ‘cause I realize how silly some of them are now. But, boy, at the time they were great.” [p. 11]

“When you’re involved with a gay man, you really are trying to dig out weeds you didn’t plant. It’s a part of him that he has not taken care of, that he hasn’t come face to face with. And until he does, he can’t make a relationship work with anyone. And nothing you can do can change that.

Voice-over Sam, talking on the couch.

VO: While every story is unique, one stands out as the most unusual. This family is a stunning example of the healing power of love.

Sam

Interviewing, on the couch

Still shots of Gwen and Sam as college-age sweethearts and yearbook pages

Sam on the couch

I think I repressed for all of those years because I didn’t want to be gay. I acknowledged inside that I had these feelings about men, being attracted to men, but I didn’t want to be attracted to men. And I thought if I married the most beautiful woman in my college and created the most incredible marriage, and had a—got involved sexually as well as emotionally with this person, all I needed to do was to have this and these feelings of being gay would go away.[p. 23 of

-03] I really didn’t want to be gay, and so I- I hung in there for as long as I could. [p. 18 of -03, paragraph 2]

Gwen on camera

Sam on camera

Gwen on camera

Show photos of the family in Saudi Arabia. There is a black spot here!

Gwen on camera

More photos

Gwen on camera

Gwen in fetal position in dark corner. Cut the part marked in red and shorten the segment of fetal position shots. The early shots in this segment seem best, with the camera circling Gwen.

Gwen back on camera.

Finally I said, ‘Something is not right. We are so compatible. We have no financial worries. We don’t have arguments. Everything is so good, except when we go to bed. . . .

And when Gwen was feeling maybe inadequate or guilty for maybe something that she was not doing to make our sex life one of these, instead of just one of these, that’s what was the conversation that we had that brought about the voice in my head that said, tell her, tell her, tell her, she needs to know. [p. 23 of -03]

And then Sam got an opportunity to go to Saudi Arabia to work, and we thought well maybe if we travel, we get away from family concerns or whatever, everything will be fine. . . . Finally, when we got over to Saudi Arabia, I sat down with him one day and I said, “Sam, what is wrong? Are you gay?” And he said, “No, I just don’t think I love you anymore.” Here I am halfway around the world and my husband is telling me he doesn’t love me anymore. And he said, “I think we need to go back home.” So we did. Sam moved out, but he still hadn’t said anything about being gay. And then one evening, after we had separated, he came home to visit and to see his son and to visit with me. We were still friendly. And he broke down in tears and he told me, “Yes, I’m gay.” [pp 15-16 of -03]

And…I hear people- about people having an out-of-body experience. I don’t know that I really had one, but I can still see myself in a fetal position and I am screaming. I think that was my lowest, when I realized how upside down my life had become. [pp. 5-6]

Sam

On the couch

I told Gwen I didn’t love her because I couldn’t say, “I’m gay” . . . And I learned through that experience that no matter what you feel the repercussion may be, it’s always best to be open and honest with the truth. . . .

Gwen interviewing on the couch

Bike riding footage

Go back to Gwen on Camera.

Were we going to try to stay together, were we going to divorce, what were we going to do? And we laid awake in bed one night and just said, ‘I think what we really need to do is let each other go with love, and still be friends, be as close as we’ve always been, but we need to be true to who we are. So we both said yes, a divorce is what we’re going to have to do. . . .

But the next morning was a beautiful, sunny morning, and we got on our bikes and we were going to go for a ride. And my heart was breaking, but there was also a sense of relief. Well, I think for Sam, the relief was indescribable. And as we rode down this dirt road on our bikes, I could just—I was behind Sam and I could see him as if this load had been taken off his shoulders, and he was like a little boy who had just learned to ride a bike. And he was grinning from ear to ear, and I was happy for him, even though I knew what was ahead of us was going to be very, very tough. But he told me later that that was a moment of bliss, that he could finally be who he was.

[p. 4 of -03]

Carol’s voice-over

Show photos of Chuck with Sam, or use footage of the two of them together.

VO: After Gwen’s amicable divorce from Sam, he soon introduced her to Chuck, his good friend from work.

Chuck, interviewing on the couch

Show photos of Chuck and Gwen

Gwen and Chuck’s wedding photos

Sam had said to me, “Why don’t you call my ex-wife and ask her out?” I said, “Ah, you know, that’s strange. That’s a little weird. I don’t know if I wanna go there.” But anyway,

. . . . .We met downtown here, had a glass of wine and talked opera. And I was definitely interested in her, and I said, “Well, I’d like to see you again, after you come back from New York. Maybe you could come over and have dinner.” And I think four months later, we got married, so it was one of those long engagements.”

[p. 50 of -04]

Chuck, Gwen and Sam together on the couch

Chuck

Gwen

When we got married, you said, “Here’s what I got. I got Greg. I got Sam. I got Sam’s parents” and your family.

And my family. And he--I come as a package. [p. 60 of -04]

Chuck on camera

Show Sam and Chuck working together in the kitchen or sitting talking at the dining room table, or use new still photos.

Show Gwen and Sam hugging in the

Dining room, p. 43 on transcript -04.]

Show Gwen and Chuck working puzzle together.

Sam

Gwen

Sam

I almost feel like Sam is more like family now, whereas before he was just purely a friend. . . .

Most people divorce, wind up hating each other, and it’s easy. You can just—hate. But when you love somebody, but ya still have to separate, It’s harder, I think because all that feeling is still there. And yet today, Sam and Gwen can still care for each other and it’s not a problem. It’s not a problem for me, it’s not a problem for them. . . . [p. 55 of -04]

And I think the way we both feel about Gwen is a bond between us also.

[p. 51 of -04]

It’s been great, our marriage for almost 19 years now. Sam once told me, “The thing about Gwen is the longer you know her, the better she gets,” and I thought, “Well, there’s some PR or something,” but you know what, it’s true. She’s just a wonderful, caring person

. . . [pp. 52-53 of -04]

I would do anything for her, anytime, anywhere, I will be there. And you know what? I know the same goes the other direction. And so it’s that feeling of always being involved.

Connected.

Connected, yeah. I like that better. [p. 70 of -04]

Sam

And when we wrote our own divorce agreement and child custody agreement, it was looking out for each other . . . You know they talk about unconditional love. Here it is. It’s real, in practice. [p. 28 of -03]

voice-over photos of Gwen, Chuck and Sam.

VO: Not all endings are so happy, but it’s clear that when this crisis hits, we can survive it and reconfigure our lives in a positive way.

Dan, on camera

Pictures of Dan with kids

Dan, on camera

Pictures of Dan with kids

I was your basic happily married man, and I really did think I had mated for life. But when I came to terms with the fact that that wasn't the way it was going to continue . . . I rebuilt a life . . . as a full-time single father. And that brought me immeasurable joy and these fabulous adventures [p.18]… it feels to me that grief and loss are the glue that binds humanity together. It's the one thing that's universal, and it's how you deal with that kind of tragedy or loss that- that really determines what kind of person you are. And for me and for my kids, I think we've come out on the other side of- of this loss -- wounded for sure, but- but not scarred to a point where we're disfigured. [p.28]

Joe

Repressed sexuality is really nasty. It has all sorts of horrible side-effects, and anybody who gets into a marriage, a heterosexual marriage, and then someplace in the middle comes out as gay, is dealing with repressed sexuality issues, in one form or another, and they’re dealing with a lot of stuff. Cultivate compassion. It’s not about you.” [p. 23 of -01]

montage

VO: When the secrets are out and we live our truth, we can reconstruct authentic lives - alone, as single parents, or with new mates. With time and patience, we can grow beyond anger and into acceptance, wiser and stronger for the experience.