Fairytale of Katmandu

Title (on black): Vinegar Hill Production Northern Ireland

Scene: Cathal O Searcaigh looks at photos of himself as a child, then of
his mother.

10:00:24:00 I think that's the first photo of me at school.

10:00:32:00 When I see that now, he looks funny!

10:00:36:00 The poor thing! He didn't know what was going to happen to him!

Title (on black): in association with RTÉ and the Irish Language Broadcast
Fund.

10:00:47:00: My mother believed in fairies and she'd go away with the fairies

10:00:52:00 And she'd be gone for a fortnight

10:00:55:00 That would mean that she'd be in bed for a fortnight

10:00:59:00 and she'd be depressed.

10:01:02:00 I think that perception was critical in the development of my own mind.

Title (on black): With the participation of Bord Scannán na hÉireann/The
Irish Film Board,

10:01:12:00 Life is full of other dimensions.

10:01:16:00 And people are in and out of them without knowing it themselves

Title (superimposed on image): A film by Neasa Ní Chianáin


Scene 2: Archive television appearance of Cathal on a chat show.

10:01:28:00 My friend says that there are three religions in Nepal

10:01:30:00 Buddhism, Hinduism and Tourism

Title (superimposed on image): Coinne le Cathal Ó Searcaigh, TG4, 2003


10:01:37:00 And I have a connection with each one of them.

10:01:41:00 Keep going, Cathal. We are so proud that you are here with us

10:01:45:00 as a special guest. And may you live a hundred or two hundred years.

10:01:48:00 And long may your pen write wonderful poems for us.

10:01:52:00 You are a role model, and influence young and old.


Title (on black): FAIRYTALE OF KATHMANDU

Scene: Landscape shots of Donegal, Cathal stands in silhouette

10:02:06:00 (VO in English) A few years ago I moved to a small village in the North West of Ireland. I became neighbour to the poet Cathal O Searcaigh who was affectionately known as The Guru of the Hills. Since I’d been a student I’d been captivated by his poetry, which spoke of identity, loneliness and homosexual love.

Cathal chose to write in Irish my own native tongue and he traveled to the Kingdom of Nepal every year to concentrate on his writings. He was not your typical hero, non-the less to me he was heroic, I was proud of his poetry and I admired his bravery for coming out as a gay man living in a small rural community.

Scene: Interior Cathal stands at bathroom mirror, then walks through to living room.

10:02:58:00 My little hat.

10:03:00:00 I can't go anywhere without wearing my little hat.

10:03:04:00 This hat is part of me now

10:03:07:00 It's an important part of my persona.


Scene: Landscape shots of Donegal, Cathal walks on the bog.

10:03:28:00 (VO in English) I was 11 when I first met Cathal O Searcaigh. It was 1977, and Cathal was 21. I remember him sitting on the bonnet of a car in a lotus position surrounded by a group of teenagers – holding court about chanting and meditation. This image of Cathal, the mysterious shaman always stayed with me.

Years later when we met again, he was living alone in the Donegal hills writing poetry furiously; paying no heed to the whisperings of local folk who said he was wasting his time. Cathal warmly welcomed me into his world, telling me stories of his life.


Scene: Interview in Cathal’s House – He is looking at photos

10:04:26:00 This is Prem,

10:04:28:00 I think this is the first time I met him in Katmandu.

10:04:33:00 These are definitely the clothes he was wearing when I first met him.

10:04:40:00 So what age was he when he first came to Ireland?

10:04:44:00 Around 16 or so...15 or 16.

10:04:48:00 I have adopted Prem as my spiritual son.

10:04:54:00 I never thought I could be a father

10:04:58:00 with my sexual orientation.

10:05:02:00 It's a miracle!

10:05:04:00 There he is

10:05:06:00 wearing a "Guru of the Hills" tee-shirt.

10:05:10:00 He was hanging more prayer flags outside the house.

10:05:23:00 The first time I met him, I was walking around a corner

10:05:28:00 I bumped into him and...

10:05:30:00 we fell on to the street.

10:05:38:00 When he explained the meaning of his home place, Dunkarka

10:05:42:00 and it had the same meaning as my home place, Minalea.

10:05:49:00 I immediately understood that I had a unique bond with him.

10:05:57:00 We have to believe in these little miracles that happen to us everyday.

10:06:04:00 (VO in English) Cathal’s story of meeting Prem fascinated me. I loved the idea of a world full of people destined to meet each other. For Ten years now Cathal had been travelling to Nepal to be with Prem and work on his writings. Then one winter Cathal invited me to go on the journey with him to discover his Nepalese world.

Scene: Shots of Nepal and Cathal’s arrival

10:06:35:00 (VO in English) On the day of Cathal’s arrival Prem would go to a nearby hotel and specially prepare a room for him. Every year Cathal stayed in room 405 of the Hotel Buddha, his window overlooking the city of Kathmandu

10:06:59:00 Prem and Shantram. Hello my darling. And Shantram

10:07:14:00 I feel like a proper 'Guru of the Hills' now.

10:07:19:00 Guru thanks you. (this is a play on the Irish word for ‘thank you’)


Scene: Cathal at the reception of the hotel and arriving in his room

10:07:23:00 Irish person and Nepalese person, you can write

10:07:27:00 Gortahork, Ireland, that'll get me.

10:07:30:00 Purpose of visit?

10:07:32:00 Nothing.

Scene: Cathal goes into the hotel room

10:07:38:00 Oh look at that. So, so beautiful.

10:07:44:00 You don't have chocolate. Cathal?

10:07:48:00 I also have chocolate and do you know which chocolate it is?

10:07:53:00 Emerald? Dairy Milk?

10:07:55:00 No, no, no, not Dairy milk - Butlers!


Scene: Cathal has dinner with boys

10:08:03:00 (in English) Did you see the Rally in Minalea? Everybody comes out to see it and it's always a big day. But over the last number of years when it took place it was always raining, and very cold to be out watching. I remember my father used to come out and watch it as well. Everybody did. And they tell you well in advance and you have to keep animals off the road if you have sheep, or cows, or elephants, or whatever.


Scene: Shots of Kathmandu – VO from an Interview with Cathal

10:09:13:00 One of the things that impressed me in Nepal.

10:09:16:00 Was that men

10:09:18:00 and young teenagers are very

10:09:22:00 comfortable with each other.

10:09:31:00 When I went there at first and saw young men walking hand in hand,

10:09:36:00 I understood that I was in the right place.


Scene: Shots of Prem and an interview

10:10:56:00 (VO in English) Cathal told me he helped Prem in every way he could. He paid for his education and rented a room for him in Kathmandu. Now he supported his little jewelry shop in the city’s tourist area. He believed that the shop gave Prem status amongst his own Nepalese people.

10:11:21:00 It goes back many years, almost ten years.

10:11:27:00 At that time I used to work in a small guest house in Thamel.

10:11:34:00 As I was standing outside, Cathal was standing at the Thamel junction.

10:11:40:00 I said “Hello” to him. He said “Hello” too.

10:11:44:00 I was happy to meet a nice foreigner for the first time.

10:11:47:00 I had a hope that I would get something good from Cathal.

10:11:52:00 Indeed it came out as good as I hoped for.

10:12:14:00 Over the years our relationship has grown stronger,

10:12:21:00 We are at ease and enjoy each others company and laugh together.

10:12:31:00 I love him.

Scene: Interview with Cathal and Prem in the hotel room:

10:12:54:00 (in English) Prem had an arranged marriage and what an arrangement, it has been a hugely successful arrangement and a wonderful arrangement and I had a hand in it to a certain extent. Because as a surrogate father I certainly was asked to lend my advice and approval to this marriage of convenience.

You know that idea we have in western Europe of falling madly and passionately in love you know is sometimes so absurd and ridiculous. This is a much more business arrangement and a much more civilised arrangement as well.

Because these boys have no experience of girls none what so ever I mean not in the way that western kids associate with girls there's a huge big gap I mean all of those boys that I know many of them have never been to discos many have never been in any sort of close encounter with a girl and so you know all of that is a mystery until suddenly (He claps his hands) you know in one fell swoop you have to deal with it but he has managed very effectively.

Scene: Introduction to Shanta Ram and an interview with him

10:14:46:00 (VO in Engish) Cathal introduced me to own of his closest friends in Nepal, Shantaram. They had been friends for over five years. Shantaram was from a small village in the Kathmandu valley and Cathal rented a room for him in the city and he was supporting him in his education.

10:15:11:00 I met Cathal for the first time on the road and he

10:15:15:00 expected me to go to the hotel

10:15:21:00 This is the garden of the Buddha Hotel

10:15:24:00 and this is the first day I met the Cathal, and took a picture, these
4 pictures

10:15:29:00 And I saved these pictures, I have other copies also.

10:15:35:00 And I never forget these pictures. And these days.

Scene: Cathal at fairground with Prem and Shanta Ram and Prem’s son

10:15:57:00 'Tiger, tiger, burning bright in the fires of the night'.

10:16:03:00 This is where my family is really, rather than in Ireland.

10:16:09:00 I have much more of a connection with Nepal

10:16:13:00 than I ever had with people in Ireland.

Scene: Interview with Cathal in Hotel Room

10:16:34:00 One of the positive things that happened to me in primary school

0:16:40:00 was that I fell in love with someone.

10:16:44:00 I was about 10 years old at the time

10:16:49:00 and suddenly

10:16:51:00 around the corner

10:16:53:00 I saw a little boy coming to school on his first day.

10:16:59:00 And he was shy, innocent and lovely.

10:17:05:00 I saw this light around him,

10:17:07:00 I saw him coming towards me

10:17:09:00 and the light growing and intensifying

10:17:14:00 and I understood

10:17:16:00 that this was the man who would be so important in my life later on.

10:17:24:00 And that's what happened,

10:17:26:00 even though we didn't speak together at that age.

10:17:31:00 I remember he came and told me that he was in love with a woman

10:17:36:00 and I couldn't accept that at all.

10:17:40:00 In a way, there was ego involved

10:17:44:00 and me saying to myself how could he love a woman when he
had me!

10:17:50:00 And he tried to explain it to me

10:17:54:00 that she was answering to him in a way I couldn't.

10:18:00:00 But I wouldn't listen.

10:18:03:00 I didn't have a listening ear to give him

10:18:11:00 And in the end he left me

10:18:14:00 because he had to

10:18:19:00 And for a couple of years, my life was

10:18:22:00 black, black, black.

10:18:27:00 It was like looking down into the abyss that's in all of us.

10:18:36:00 But luckily enough, I managed to come out of it

10:18:40:00 and I think it was the trip to Nepal that helped me a lot.

10:18:48:00 (VO in English) I‘d never known how deeply Cathal’s first
relationship had wounded him, and for the first time I realized
how painful that break up must have been. The relationship had
been a secret one, it happened before Cathal came out as a gay
man, so he would have been left with no support for a broken
heart. But it was ironic that Nepal, the country where he found
release from depression, had a society that suffered from
homophobia. Although men were openly tactile and affectionate
towards each other, homosexuality was not tolerated within
Nepalese culture.

Scene: Cathal watches Prem and Shantaram as they go swimming

10:20:00:00 Now please be careful anyway, don't try anything dramatic. You
have to teach Prem how not to get water in to his mouth.

10:20:16:00 You were floating weren't you?

10:20:19:00 The last time I hurt, there is some steps out so I hurt my knee.

10:20:26:00 Be careful.

10:20:41:00 You're very good at splashing Prem, I'm not sure about
swimming. The lake has become much rougher since you
started.

Scene: Cathal is reading and writing poems with the boys

10:21:06:00 You know how

10:21:08:00 your belly rumbles when you're hungry?

10:21:11:00 How do you know?

10:21:13:00 Because I’ve written a haiku about it.

10:21:15:00 Now we are in the same situation, Cathal.

10:21:21:00 Waiting for 'dal bhat',

10:21:24:00 my haikus rumble

10:21:26:00 with hunger.

10:21:37:00 (VO in English) Cathal liked to explore different parts of Nepal.
So after a few weeks we went on a trek through the mountains. Prem and Shantaram usually accompanied Cathal, they translated for him, bartered for him, carried his bags and kept him company.

In the evening we stopped for the night at a sleeping lodge along the trekking route. Cathal invited a young village boy, Ram, who walked past the lodge, to join the three of them for dinner.

Scene: Cathal, Prem, Ram and Shantaram in the sleeping lodge at dinner.

10:22:05:00 Does Ram...

10:22:08:00 Does he fish? Does he fish?

10:22:11:00 Yes

10:22:17:00 They have lots of fish

10:22:21:00 And do you eat fish at home in your house? Does he eat fish?

10:22:26:00 Do you eat fish in your village?

10:22:32:00 My village is…

10:22:38:00 Lulang

10:22:41:00 He’s trying to teach you

10:22:44:00 Lulang

10:22:57:00 (VO in English) After the meal Ram went upstairs with Cathal and spent the night with him in his room. I was taken aback. Ram was a village boy with no English and it seemed to me that Cathal and Ram were worlds apart.

10:23:19:00 (VO in English) The next morning I waited to see Ram. I wanted to see his face. I thought he would run away back to his village, but he didn’t. Instead he sat close by Cathal and I told myself this must be ok, as the boy seemed happy to be with him.

Scene: Cathal is shopping with the boys

10:23:40:00 That will fit him, no broad shoulders,

10:23:46:00 It has to be small, free size yes. That will fit him fine.

10:23:58:00 (VO in English) The next day Ram was gone, and we returned to Kathmandu.

10:24:09:00 (VO in English) I wanted to talk to Cathal about what I had seen at the lodge, but I didn’t know how. Cathal was a gay man who overtly talked about his sexuality but I was unprepared to see him with a boy so young. He was nearly 50 and he told me that Ram was 17. I felt I had no right to judge him for being with a boy who was above the age of consent

10:24:41:00 (VO in English) I remembered Cathal’s story of his first love in Ireland: he spoke of the pain of having to conceal a relationship, of the inner conflict that rages in a heart that must deny love in order to appease a society. His first great love was the subject of much of his writing: he’d had to confront his fears, and when his lover finally left him, he was exhausted, sad and empty.


Scene: Interview with Cathal in hotel room

10:25:17:00 I was in love with him completely and utterly

10:25:24:00 but that kind of love can be very obsessive and possessive.

10:25:29:00 You want to imprison your lover. You want to eat him.

10:25:35:00 And that can be

10:25:37:00 very dangerous as well

10:25:39:00 Because then you build walls around your lover.

10:25:44:00 I didn't want him to have contact with anyone else

10:25:48:00 but me.

10:25:51:00 I built Berlin walls around him.

10:25:53:00 I didn't even let him breathe.

10:25:59:00 That's one of the things that I’ve learnt

10:26:02:00 since coming to Nepal,

10:26:05:00 that you can't do that

10:26:09:00 and that you have to give scope and freedom to your lover

10:26:13:00 to leave if he wants to.

10:26:16:00 And when you let people leave

10:26:22:00 in a very strange way, they come back to you.

10:26:27:00 I have no chains or strings attached to

10:26:32:00 those that I am close to now

10:26:36:00 and I'm much happier in myself because of that.

10:26:42:00 I'm not like a barnacle

10:26:46:00 stuck to someone else.

10:27:02:00 (VO in English) I understood how important it was to Cathal, never to be so dependant on those close to him again, but I couldn’t help feeling that it was his Nepalese friends that were now the dependant ones. Cathal told me that he preferred to give money directly to the boys and not through charities. He helped many of them with their college fees. Most had come from villages and moved to the city hoping for a brighter future.

Scene: School boys talking together

10:27:31:00 I’ve know him since 98/99

10:27:33:00 Really?

10:27:35:00 He has lots of friends.
Maximum friends

10:27:38:00 Everyone you meet here is his friend

10:27:43:00 That’s right, he does have lots of friends

10:27:45:00 When I first met him there was Prem, then Shantaram and then…

10:27:49:00 Ravi?

10:27:53:00 No, not Ravi. There was a trekking guide. I forget his name.

10:27:59:00 Every year he comes, he is making more and more friends.

10:28:03:00 How does he have time for so many?

10:28:05:00 - I think he has 12 or 14 friends.
- I think there are more than that.

Scene: Cathal has a meal with the boys

10:28:12:00 I like the chicken 'kweesh' also, but this time it’s not chicken.
10:28:16:00 ‘Quiche’

10:28:19:00 I don’t mind, I’m very bad at pronouncing things also.

10:28:26:00 I think they say 'quiche'.

10:28:28:00 You say ‘kweesh’, I say ‘keesh’

10:28:30:00 It’s a very difficult word to say

10:28:32:00 Q..U..I..C..H..E

10:28:37:00 ‘Keesh’

Scene: Interview with Pracas

10:28:39:00 Maybe I am still in my village,

10:28:43:00 if I didn't meet him

10:28:47:00 and doing farming for others,

10:28:49:00 or maybe learning sewing.

10:28:53:00 He is as God for me,

10:28:57:00 Real God for me.

10:28:59:00 Do you love him?

10:29:01:00 Yes, why not?

10:29:03:00 With my heart and then my body, I love to him.

Scene: Interview with Cathal

10:29:37:00 People want to be close with foreigners,

10:29:41:00 with tourists, they think that

10:29:46:00 it will improve their situation, that tourists will help them.

10:29:55:00 I'm definitely not interested in what’s called

10:30:00:00 sex tourism

10:30:03:00 I think that’s very dangerous and

10:30:06:00 I tell the boys

10:30:08:00 the many that I know and help,

10:30:12:00 I tell them they have to be extremely cautious with anything to do with sex

10:30:18:00 And if they are going to 'boogie' with tourists

10:30:23:00 that they have to be certain

10:30:26:00 that they have condoms

10:30:29:00 and that they're diligent and aware.

10:30:33:00 That's what I tell everyone I know.

10:30:37:00 Of course a lot of them

10:30:39:00 are so innocent.

10:30:42:00 I’m often asked here

10:30:45:00 "What is sex?".

10:30:47:00 These are boys that are maybe 16, 17, years of age

10:30:54:00 That there is…

10:30:56:00 And…

10:30:58:00 that innocence really impresses me

10:31:01:00 And I feel that it's very important

10:31:03:00 to protect that innocence.

Scene: Cathal is leaving the hotel to go shopping

10:31:20:00 Excuse me, do you need me to clean the room, sir?

10:31:22:00 No change the bed?

10:31:25:00 Prem usually does it. It’s ok

10:31:31:00 (VO in English) Prem and Shantaram did as much as they could for Cathal. They would come to the hotel to see if he needed anything. Many of their evening were spent helping Cathal buy clothes for the boys he had befriended.

10:31:43:00 That's too big for him.

10:31:47:00 People are small.

10:31:52:00 That's a pity. That's beautiful. But it's too big for my...Sati.

10:31:57:00 What about that, Prem? Prem, what do you think of that size?

10:32:08:00 I think that would be too big even for you.

10:32:13:00 No. it's not for Prem, it's for somebody less. It looks very wide.

10:32:19:00 It is free size.

10:32:21:00 Yes, but some people are not big enough to fill free size.

Scene: Interview with Prem

10:32:31:00 I went to Ireland

10:32:36:00 and stayed at Cathal's house for two months.

10:32:41:00 After returning from Ireland

10:32:44:00 Cathal proposed to make me his Godson

10:32:49:00 And do you remember the moment, how did it happen? Did he
say it to you, like how did it happen?

10:32:56:00 Cathal told me he wanted to have me

10:33:00:00 not as a friend, but as a son.

10:33:04:00 In this way, he made me his son.

10:33:07:00 And how did you feel?

10:33:10:00 I feel very happy.

10:33:14:00 At the time I met Cathal, my father was

10:33:19:00 no more in this world.

10:33:29:00 I felt I got another father

10:33:40:00 I felt I was a lucky person.

Scene: Interview with Cathal

10:34:03:00 I spend my time here, totally and utterly with my friends.

10:34:08:00 They come and go and every time I come

10:34:12:00 I add to the circle of friends

10:34:14:00 Because if you go out on the street

10:34:17:00 and you’re open and in tune with the people that are around you

10:34:21:00 it is certain that you will meet new people and new friends

10:34:27:00 And most of my money goes to these people as well

10:34:31:00 to help them in various ways.

10:34:35:00 If I had more money

10:34:37:00 I could do much more.

10:34:54:00 Have you found love here in Nepal?

10:34:59:00 No

10:35:02:00 At all?

10:35:06:00 It's totally different in Nepal.

10:35:11:00 In what way?

10:35:13:00 I don't want to fall in love, Neasa. I don't want to fall in love.

10:35:18:00 That's over, I've other things to do.

10:35:22:00 I don't like the obsession that goes with such things.

10:35:27:00 I am extremely happy to be close with different people

10:35:32:00 as I am here.

10:35:35:00 I don't want to have one lover,

10:35:42:00 I like to be single now.

Scene: Interview with Shantaram

10:36:34:00 Cathal thinks we should have first a house,

10:36:37:00 and we nearly have a house

10:36:41:00 but we have to pay some payments on loans.

10:36:44:00 And when finished, we have to leave some money for the
marriage also.

10:36:50:00 It is impossible to make a house,

10:36:52:00 it is a very huge project to make a house

10:36:59:00 but I can make that house easily

10:37:05:00 with the help of Cathal.

10:37:21:00 (VO in English) I began realising how powerful we Westerners
must seem to the Nepalese just because of our money. With a
few euro, we could change people's lives so dramatically

Scene: Cathal has lunch in the garden with Narang

10:37:32:00 This is a good magazine

10:37:34:00 Yes

10:37:43:00 And in your village Narang, are there Maoists?

10:37:48:00 Yes, so many mouse. Black mouse. Small and big.

10:37:56:00 You're talking about a mouse. 'Moussa'. I'm talking about
Maoist.

10:38:04:00 Yes. Oh yes, I'm sorry

10:38:12:00 Those two words are so alike,
10:38:14:00 Yeah

10:38:15:00 Mouse and maoist.

10:38:29:00 Pussy cat, pussy cat where have you been? I have been to
London to see the queen. What did you do there? I frightened a
little mouse sitting on a chair.

Scene: Cathal is in Prem’s shop and they go to buy a bicycle for Narang

10:39:15:00 Leave at your own discretion, leave money at your discretion.

10:39:36:00 Now Narayan, there is your bicycle. Maybe you try.

10:39:45:00 Be careful.

10:39:50:00 Do you have the ten thousand rupees (€140), Cathal?

Scene: Cathal at the reception of the hotel

10:40:29:00 Ramesh! Anybody desperately wants to see me?

10:40:35:00 No

10:40:38:00 Yeah well, ok.

Scene: interview with Cathal in the garden

10:41:00:00 What do you get out of it?

10:41:02:00 We see you constantly giving, giving, giving

10:41:07:00 If I wanted something from them,

10:41:10:00 then there would be no good in it, it wouldn't work.

10:41:15:00 But

10:41:22:00 I feel that

10:41:25:00 there is a certain pleasure

10:41:27:00 in giving,

10:41:30:00 rather than taking.

10:41:33:00 And they do give me things

10:41:35:00 They give me that great love.

10:41:43:00 And I'm sure if I asked them to do something,

10:41:46:00 they'd do it like that.

10:41:48:00 They know they have nothing to give me

10:41:53:00 except to open their hearts and to give me their love.

10:42:00:00 Look at him in his...

10:42:04:00 Do you see?

Scene: Interview with Shantaram

10:42:18:00 Cathal has many friends, hundreds of friends at the one time

10:42:23:00 on his visits to Nepal

10:42:24:00 Hundreds of friends?

10:42:25:00 Yeah maybe.

10:42:26:00 How many have you met around, approximately?

10:42:29:00 I think…I don't know actually, many friends.

10:42:33:00 Sometimes we don't know that Cathal has a friend

10:42:40:00 because Cathal has a short friendship with him and we did not
meet him.

10:42:46:00 If Cathal wants to give to some people, he wants to give

10:42:51:00 because that is his...

10:42:57:00 that is his desire.

10:43:00:00 If Cathal will be happy, we will also be happy.


Scene: Prakash in reception of the hotel Buddha

10:43:15:00 - Four Zero five?
- Yes.

10:43:20:00 - What's your name?
- Prakash

10:43:22:00 - Prakash who?
- Poudel

10:43:25:00 Hello. How are you? I am Prakash

10:43:32:00 Prakash Poudel.

10:43:36:00 He knows many Prakash.

10:43:39:00 I am coming to this room?

10:43:43:00 Thank you.

10:43:44:00 He asked you to come upstairs?

10:43:49:00 The number is written on the door.

Scene: Interview with Cathal at night

10:44:01:00 It doesn't matter where you are you can have sex…go to bed
with someone.

10:44:10:00 You can walk down the street and pick someone out

10:44:16:00 But often that's all it is and I'm not that interested in that now.

10:44:25:00 It's much more interesting to get to know someone

10:44:31:00 and that there would be friendship between us

10:44:34:00 and that we would respect and honour each other.

10:44:42:00 I think a lot of those boys love me

10:44:46:00 and that love has nothing to do, I don't know…

10:44:50:00 I'm aware that there are certain essential boundaries

10:44:57:00 and I don't want

10:45:00:00 to cross those particular boundaries

10:45:04:00 and then of course there's others, and…

10:45:08:00 I'd love to sleep with them and I can sleep with them!

10:45:11:00 And when you can, maybe

10:45:13:00 there isn't the same…

10:45:16:00 the same drive to do it

10:45:23:00 (VO in English) As the weeks passed, I met Cathal with more
and more boys. Although I knew he was helping them, each new
face brought more uncertainty. And I started searching their
faces for answers.


Scene: Ramesh (the hotel manager) speaks to Neasa

10:46:35:00 (VO in English) A few days before it was time for Cathal to return
to Ireland, the hotel manager started talking to me as I waited in
the lobby for Cathal to come down. I‘d never really spoken to
him before about anything more than housekeeping issues. But
this morning he had something to say about Westerners.

10:46:56:00 They say, "I want to help in Nepal and the Nepalese" and this
and that

10:47:01:00 This is just “blah, blah”.

10:47:04:00 Somehow they are taking benefit.

10:47:12:00 I think somehow...

10:47:19:00 due to poverty, or like that

10:47:21:00 What like they pretend that they are here to help?

10:47:26:00 Yes, yes.

10:47:33:00 If somebody really wants to help Nepal or Nepalese,

10:47:39:00 they should help without terms and conditions.

10:47:44:00 Nepal, Sri Lanka and other countries are very…

10:47:50:00 poor

10:47:52:00 And everybody knows that.

10:47:56:00 People, they just close their eyes.

10:48:03:00 (VO in English) At that moment it seemed to me that the
manager was trying to tell me something. It felt as though he
was asking me to open my eyes. And I felt shame, shame for
not wanting to see…

Scene: Cathal leaving Nepal - packing

10:48:19:00 Yes, that would be better. Once I get home.

10:48:55:00 You’ll have a lot of cleaning up to do

10:49:00:00 You’ll probably have to…

10:49:07:00 rearrange the room

10:49:09:00 And then you’ll have to…

10:49:11:00 I’ll have to talk to you about that

10:49:28:00 Have a nice and safe journey

10:49:30:00 Thank you, Ravi.

Scene: Cathal leaving outside hotel

10:49:32:00 Ok see you and good luck with your bicycle and studies

10:49:37:00 and I will be in contact with you once I get back.

10:49:41:00 Sagar, good luck see you soon and...yeah.

10:49:49:00 Ravi goodbye my darling. See you in Ireland when you are a
trained cook, good luck with the cooking and all that.

10:50:19:00 (VO in English) All this time I had wanted to stay loyal to Cathal
and return home believing his stories but now I could only think
of the things I had witnessed and tried to ignore: the boy in the
lodge, the boy with the bicycle, the boy in the ice-cream shop
and on and on. I had believed in Cathal and I had failed to
confront him with my doubts. Instead I clung to his stories of how
he helped the boys but I had never spoken directly to them. With
the help of a counselor I decided to try and find some of them
and talk to them

Scene: Interview with the boys

10:50:57:00 It is natural to feel angry.

10:51:02:00 He might do something….

10:51:05:00 I have fallen victim and I don't want others to fall victims too.
That's why I…

10:51:09:00 otherwise there’s no reason to give this interview.

10:51:12:00 None of my younger brothers should fall victim.

10:51:15:00 That’s the only wish I have.

10:51:17:00 Because it’s not just one, he has played with the feelings of 50 or
60 boys .

10:51:23:00 I told him about my course, in English books also.

10:51:30:00 And he told me you will take your English books and you will stay
in my room.

10:51:36:00 And I take my books also and he…

10:51:40:00 and he doesn't look at my books.

10:51:43:00 - How much money did he give you?
- 8,000 rupees (100 euro)

10:51:46:00 - What did he say the money was for?
- For studies

10:51:50:00 Did he ask you about your family and where you live?

10:51:54:00 Yes, he did

10:51:57:00 Did he give you the money assuming your father won’t be able

10:52:00:00 to finance your education, or he simply gave you the money?

10:52:03:00 He just asked me to take the money

10:52:05:00 What happened after that?

10:52:06:00 After that,

10:52:09:00 after three days

10:52:12:00 He had asked me where I was studying and I had told him
where.

10:52:15:00 He came to my college and was waiting at the gate,

10:52:21:00 He said “let’s go” and then we went

10:52:26:00 And then we went to the hotel and he took me to his room.

10:52:30:00 It hadn’t happened to me. It was my first time.

10:52:34:00 It hadn’t happened to my friends.

10:52:38:00 When we woke next morning, he told me to go

10:52:42:00 He said “You should go because you won't complete the sex"

10:52:49:00 I explained to him that it was my first time.

10:52:54:00 And I told him because you were touching me, I felt tickled and
giggled.

10:52:59:00 The second time, he didn't complain. First time he was angry
with me

10:53:04:00 but I explained to him that I felt tickled

10:53:07:00 He also used to show blue films in his room upstairs

10:53:11:00 Later what did he do?

10:53:13:00 He used to take me to the room…

10:53:17:00 touch my body…

10:53:22:00 undress me…

10:53:28:00 play with…

10:53:33:00 my private parts

10:53:38:00 Most of the time, his hand is on my penis also.

10:53:44:00 In the morning he told me "I love sex"

10:53:48:00 "But what is sex?" I asked him

10:53:51:00 And he told me, "it is complex"

10:53:55:00 He close to me and he touch myself but I don't like that.

10:54:02:00 I am also nervous. I am very shy so

10:54:06:00 He used...he bought myself,

10:54:10:00 (VO in English) Each had a similar story. They were on their way to college and they met Cathal, a friendly westerner who seemed interested in their lives. He gave them money, a month’s wages, sometimes two or three months and told them it was for their studies. He gave them his hotel card and asked them to come and visit.
They went to his room and each time they came, they left with
some money, or clothes or the promise of a bike.
Although they were 16 years or older, they never had a boyfriend or a girlfriend before, but this is how they do it in the West, they were told. And after all Westerners are like Gods in Nepal, and if
you’re lucky you might meet one.

Scene: Back in Ireland

10:55:04:00 (VO in English) I returned to Ireland, knowing that I now had to
face Cathal. My trip back to his home was filled with sadness.
So much had changed for me. The Nepalese prayer flags and
wall hangings were no longer mysterious or exotic, but
something else had changed inside me too. Cathal’s spell was
broken and I was no longer in awe of him. There was nothing
else to do but to face to him.

Scene: Interview with Cathal in Ireland

10:55:38:00 Those boys have come out very very strongly saying you know,
that I have abused them that I've done this and that to them. For
me that is not the truth.

10:55:52:00 Well what is the truth?

10:55:54:00 Well the truth is you know, I certainly...boys came to my room
you know because my room is open all the time,

10:56:04:00 I certainly had sex with some of them. yes, yes, yes.

10:56:09:00 but it wasn't you know, I wasn't coercing them into having sex
with me. I mean that door was open all the time.

10:56:22:00 But some of them Cathal are young, they are vulnerable some of
them they don't understand what homosexuality is

10:56:29:00 Yes, yes, well this was one thing I ...

10:56:33:00 They may not have the same sense of self-esteem, they may not
know… you know, they just might be caught in a corner.

10:56:40:00 Yes, yes of course, of course I understand that, absolutely.

10:56:47 :00 But you know if you had asked them I had explained to them
exactly what I was.

10:56:55:00 But young Narayan said he knew nothing about sex and didn't
even know that homosexuality existed.

10:57:00:00 He said you asked him to come to your room and bring his
school books and spend the night with him.

10:57:08:00 Why would you ask him to come to your room to bring his school
books and not look at his school books?

10:57:13:00 No, I…

10:57:14:00 He said he thought you were going to help him with his lessons.

10:57:17:00 Yes, but I did also help him with his lessons.

10:57:20:00 So why would he stay the night with you?

10:57:23:00 Why? You know, why not? Well why not?

10:57:37:00 (VO in English) You allowed me into your life and showed me
what you found precious.

10:57:42:00 (VO in English) Our journey together started in brightness but
slipped into darkness. It began full of hope and empowerment,
but became a story of dependency

10:57:54:00 (VO in English) When the boys told me of their feelings of hurt
and bewilderment, I knew I would have to confront you, but you
could not see what you had done

10:58:05:00 (VO in English) This was not the journey I wanted to go on,
This was not the story I wanted to tell
I had become a witness to a different tale



Title Card on Black: None of the boys in this film were under the age of consent,
which is 16 in Nepal

Title Card on Black: Objections from the copyright owner, Irish language
publisher, Clo Iar-Chonnachta, prevented us from using any
of Cathal O Searcaigh’s poetry in this film.


End Credits on Black