INTRODUCTION
NINA
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
MONKEY
Because it was dead.
MONKEY (CONT'D)
Don't laugh it happens you know.
Monkey sings Nessun Dorma aria
MONKEY (CONT'D)
Its a cheap lighter Nina.
NINA
No. If it was a cheap lighter you'd be able to blow out the flame.
MONKEY
Now is the winter of our discontent, made glorious summer...
NINA
What's that?
MONKEY
Its just some shit I wrote while I was stuck in a room with a typewriter.
NINA
OK.
Monkey finishes aria.
MONKEY
Thank you very much.
NINA V.O
I don't know if this story I want to tell you is factual because by its nature it demands a certain addition to reality.  I mean I'm talking to puppets. But people have asked is it a documentary?
MONKEY
Is it a documentary Nina?
NINA V.O
Well I don't know there are no lies it all happened.
MONKEY
So it's factual.
NINA V.O
Well yeah, here are the basic facts, I've been a ventriloquist for about 10 years because of a man called Ken Campbell.
MONKEY
Who's Ken Campbell Nina?
NINA V.O
Well he's impossible to describe.
MONKEY
Google him then.
NINA V.O
He was indescribable.  He broke all boundaries. He worked underground in the British theatre scene.
MONKEY
Under the actual ground Nina?
NINA V.O
No, he was massively influential, but in a subterranean way.
MONKEY
What are you on about?
NINA V.O
With proper actors.
BOB HOSKINS
If you worked with Ken, if you were lucky enough to work with Ken, it did mark you for life.  It did.
JIM BROADBENT
From now on our lives will either be before Campbell or after Campbell.
MONKEY
You had a relationship with him.
NINA V.O
What?
MONKEY
With sex and everything, he was 60 you were 26 I mean tell us about that Nina.

NINA V.O
Shut up Monkey.
MONKEY
Go on.
NINA V.O
He was a writer, he was a director, but what he was really astounding at was playing god with other people.
MONKEY
Like a deranged demi-urge.
NINA V.O
Well he was a truffle-pig for other peoples talents.  He could snort out forgotten art forms and find you something batty that you didn't even realise you'd be good at, and for me that was ventriloquism.
MONKEY
Look at you standing there trying not to move your mouth, what an arsehole.
ANNOUNCER
Now its time for Nina Conti.
NINA V.O
But 10 years on now I'm wondering if this art-form has its limitations, and there always seems to be a certain section of the audience that despairs as soon as they see I'm a ventriloquist.
MONKEY
So what exactly are you trying to say Nina?
NINA
I don't know, I mean I don't know how much money we can make for how long I can keep this up with you monkey? I mean we could go like this, and I'd rather leave it while we were doing well.
INT DAISY'S HOUSE
DAISY
This is the last will and testament of me Kenneth Victor Campbell, aka Henry Pilk, Pretty-boy tentringer, and the Acorn Pig.
NINA
The Acorn Pig
DAISY
I give to Nina Conti, all my ventriloquists mannequins also referred to as dolls, dummies or puppets, together with all my collection books relating to the art of the ventriloquist and any material contained in or recorded on other media relating to the same.
NINA
Oh my god.
DAISY
So it's definitely yours.
INT NINA'S HOUSE
NINA V.O
So at the very time I was about to give up my one puppet I suddenly became responsible for a load more.
MONKEY
Dog was Ken's main puppet, he seemed particularly taciturn.
NINA V.O
Well it took me a while to get a word into any of them.  There was crow.
MONKEY
A kind of daft glove.
NINA V.O
Owl
MONKEY
Wow you thought long and hard about these names Nina?
NINA V.O
A blokey granny who I remember Ken using in the role of the American novelist Gertrude Stein.  And Jack.
MONKEY
The archetypal cliche of a horror movie ventriloquist mannequin.
NINA V.O
But most formidable of all was the puppet of Ken himself.
NINA V.O (CONT'D)
They're such uniquely bereaved objects.  They lose their voices.
NINA V.O (CONT'D)
I felt as though something was expected of me.  I started looking through Ken's notes and books for clues.
NINA V.O (CONT'D)
And suddenly hidden amongst it all I found this long forgotten note from Ken, insisting that I go on the World Ventriloquist Convention in Kentucky.
NINA V.O (CONT'D)
Now this was the place where Ken bought me the teach-yourself-ventriloquism kit that got me started.
NINA V.O (CONT'D)
But also I found these photos of an extraordinary looking place called VentHaven which seemed to be a graveyard for the puppets of dead ventriloquists.
MONKEY
Only in America Nina.
NINA V.O
So I decided to go on one last Ken inspired adventure.
NINA V.O (CONT'D)
I'm going to go to Kentucky, and I'm going to donate Ken's dog puppet to VentHaven.
KEN CAMPBELL
VentHaven, where dummies can go and rest.
NINA V.O
I'm also going to time my visit with a convention so I can meet lots of other ventriloquists and lots of their puppets and give this art-form one last thorough going over.
MONKEY
Freak.
NINA V.O
It's a laying to rest of sorts because I feel as though I'm coming to the end of my ventriloquism caper.
NINA'S KITCHEN
MONKEY
We're going to go to Kentucky for a week in July and we're gonna film the ventriloquist's convention and take all Ken's puppets and she's going.
STAN
That sounds good.
MONKEY
Well that went well.
NINA
Yeah that went well.
STAN
That great.  Am I going?  Can I come?
MONKEY
No
STAN
Oh
NINA'S LIVING ROOM
JACK
You'll never get away with this.  Never, never, never.
NINA
Oh Shut up.
OWL
Ow, quite cosy.
NINA
OK?
DOG
Yep
GRAN
Have you got my pills?
NINA
Yes your pills are here, and I'm going to pack those as well.
GRAN
Because they go in separate containers for every day.
NINA
Hmm hm.  I know.
GRAN
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.  You know if you get it wrong all hell breaks loose.
NINA
OK, no your pills are fine and your fine and I'll see you on the other side.
NINA (CONT'D)
Oh your nose.
CROW
See you in Kentucky.
PUPPETS
Ow, Ow, Ow.
INT AIRPORT ARRIVALS
GRAN
Are we nearly there yet?
OWL
I think its quite cosy.
JACK
I need a drink.
DOG
Hell yeah.
GRAN
Oh no my finger's stuck.
DOG
I think so.
JACK
A whole flight and no peanuts.
GRAN
No film neither.
GRAN (CONT'D)
Oh dear
DOG
Holy Cow.
GRAN
That was a bit of a bump
JACK
This is barbaric.
INT TAXI
MONKEY
We're here
NINA
Yes we're here, we did it.
MONKEY
We're all going on a summer holiday.
NINA
Or so we said at customs.
MONKEY
How was it?
NINA
Yeah touch and go, but it was good, it was fine. Lots of layers of customs. Just when you think its all done, they've taken your fingerprints you then have to re-check your luggage.
MONKEY
Jesus Christ, heavy handed.
NINA
Yeah and those customs guys are something else, they're like beefcakes full of law.
MONKEY
Really.  Really.  Your kind of guys.
MONKEY (CONT'D)
Here it is.  Very exciting.
INT HOTEL LOBBY
NINA
Have you got a room for Nina Conti
RECEPTIONIST
Conti?
MONKEY
How do you do?
NINA
He's not listed.
MONKEY
You didn't list me?
NINA
No.
MONKEY
How dare you.
RECEPTIONIST
Here it is.  I just need ID and form of payment.
MONKEY
OK
RECEPTIONIST
Here's your room number, just go down this main hallway.
NINA
OK
MONKEY
Is there a window?
RECEPTIONIST
Hmm mm.  There's a window in your room.
MONKEY
Great.
RECEPTIONIST
Have a great day.
MONKEY
Complimentary nuts?
RECEPTIONIST
Have a good time.
INT HOTEL LOBBY
KEN CAMPBELL
Here in Britain, sadly, ventriloquism is gone.  It's gone.  But it's huge in America.
VENT PUPPET1
A convention?
VENTRILOQUIST1
Yes we have the ventriloquist convention going on and so people are like moving around so you're going to see some strange things.
KEN CAMPBELL
And so there are like 300 to 500 ventriloquists of all sorts.
KEN CAMPBELL (CONT'D)
And they're real Americans, not like in the movies - peculiar specially bred Americans, these are proper ones with roaring great arses.
INT HOTEL ROOM
NINA
Sorry Monk you're a bit squashed there.
MONKEY
It's OK.
NINA
What do you reckon Monkey?
MONKEY
Depressing as hell.
NINA
What's wrong with it?
MONKEY
It's corporate.
DOG
Is this VentHaven?
NINA
No, this is the hotel room.
DOG
Is VentHaven as shitty as this?
NINA
OK Jack this is the room.
JACK
Hell-hole
NINA
You're not American you're not Dog.
JACK
You're not getting the hang of this are you?
GRAN
Oh it reminds me of the old-folks home.  I'll sit here and write a wee letter shall I?
NINA
Do you mind sleeping in the half-open drawer?
OWL
Oh not really I'm not very fussy. I'd like a pillow.
NINA
Oh my ironing.
NINA (CONT'D)
Oh I forgot you.
CROW
Hello
NINA
Hello, your jolly.
CROW
I'm the only jolly one.
NINA
Why are you jolly?
CROW
I don't know, do you want any quick advice?
NINA
Yeah, how do I jolly these others up?
CROW
Have a beer.
NINA
OK
CROW
Actually no.
NINA
What?
CROW
Inflate Ken's balls.
INT HOTEL ROOM
MONKEY
It's nice when you're quiet anyway bitch.
NINA
I'm winning.
MONKEY
Up yours.
NINA
Oh dear.  It actually smells of him.
MONKEY
You wont resurrect him this way.
CROW
Get beer.
NINA
Thanks Crow yes I'm going to.
MONKEY
Can I come?
NINA
Yes Crow yes Monkey you can both come.  We'll leave the others to get some rest.
NINA (CONT'D)
Ooh.  Nearly got your beak.
INT HOTEL BAR
NINA
I can't help feeling slightly disappointed by the hotel.  That this great promisingly colourful event takes place in this dreary sort of ibis style motel by the freeway?
MONKEY
Yeah it's truly dire.
NINA
Not truly dire, but it's a bit grim.
MONKEY
Yeah.  Truly dire.
NINA
Well we'll make it fun you know, we'll just have to have good chats in the hotel room and...oh no there's a fly in the inside of my beer.
MONKEY
Drink it.  Drink it.
NINA
Um.  You're not going to speak are you?
MONKEY
Not while you're drinking.
MONKEY (CONT'D)
(Singing) Oh Buffalo girl won't you come out tonight, won't you come out tonight, won't you come out tonight and dance by the light of the moon.
NINA
Look what I'm reading Monkey?
MONKEY
'Problems of the Self'.  Good choice.
INT HOTEL ROOM
NINA
That stupid puppet in the corner.
MONKEY
Don't talk about Ken like that.
NINA
He doesn't live, you know.  Cumbersome, how am I going to get him around?
MONKEY
I don't know.
NINA
I can't make him talk.
MONKEY
Why do you think that is?
NINA
I don't feel worthy.
MONKEY
What about the others?
NINA
Well Gran's very comforting, in fact I've made you all rather comforting.
MONKEY
Not Jack.
NINA
No Jack's not comforting.
MONKEY
And Owl is a half-wit.
NINA
Don't say that.  This feels silly.
MONKEY
Talking in an empty room in the middle of the night in Kentucky to an imaginary monkey?
NINA
Yeah.
MONKEY
You don't like it anymore?
MONKEY (CONT'D)
Really?  You don't like it anymore?
NINA
No, I don't like it anymore.
KEN CAMPBELL V.O
Who dared to put wet fruit-bat poo in our dead mother's bed?  Was that you Verity?
KEN CAMPBELL V.O (CONT'D)
You should be able to say 'who dared to' without moving your lips, have a go at it now, 'who dared to, who dared to'.  Yeah fine 'put' 'put' not so easy and that's because of the p, the p is an explosion of air.  Hump the back of your tongue into the soft palette up above to explode air through right at the back, p is k, so 'who dared to kut' do you see?
EXT KEN GRAVE
MONKEY
Do you remember Ken that you were the only director who ever looked me in the eye when you gave me a direction.  I'd done a few TV shows, and uh Directors don't tend to do that. They give all the directions to Nina. You did that. I appreciate that.
NINA
He accretiates that Ken do you here that?
MONKEY
Yeah.  The p is a k.  You taught us that.
NINA
And um, thanks, thanks for who dared to out wet fruit-bat turd in our dead mother's bed?  Was that you Verity?
EXT HOTEL
GRAN
You are my idea of heaven.
VENTRILOQUIST2
Dog meet dog.
MONKEY
Please to meet you.
OLD LADY PUPPET 1
Nice to meet you too, you're so small.
MONKEY
Yeah, I can't believe what's going on here it's so exciting.
OLD LADY PUPPET 1
It is a little crazy isn't it?
MONKEY
Nice to meet you, what's your name?  Oh you're winking over there.
CORKIE
Yes my name is Corkie.
COOKIE
He's Corkie, I'm Cookie.
OWL
What happened?
ROAD KILL
Oh well they call me Road Kill
OWL
Oh no Road Kill.
SQUIRLY SHIRLEY
Hi, I'm Squirly Shirley.
MONKEY
Squirly Shirley, we're all getting a bit intimate here aren't we?
MONKEY (CONT'D)
Your a real star.
KJ PARROT
No you're the star honey.  I want to be you.  (Singing) I want to be you I want to be me.
OWL
I hate parties.
MUPKIN
Oh look.  Time for me to go and get lunch.
NINA
OK.  Well nice to meet you.
MONKEY
Was it something I said?
MONKEY (CONT'D)
This is Kentucky then?
NINA
Yes
MONKEY
It was all going so well.
DOG
What happened to all the Ventriloquists?
MONKEY
I thought you said it would be sunny in Kentucky?
INT HOTEL THEATRE
MC
Ladies and Gentleman.  Please welcome the executive director of the VentHaven International Ventriloquist's Convention, Mr. Mark Wade.
MARK WADE
Hey everybody we're going to have a tremendous convention here are you ready to have a tremendous convention with us?
JACK NICHOLSON
Well who the hell were you expecting?  Bozo the freaking clown?
LYNN TREFZGAR
What's your favourite colour?
WOMAN
I like orange.  I love orange.
BOY
I think I like orange too.
VENTRILOQUIST4
(singing) How much is that doggy in the window?
BULLDOG
Drop Dead.
KEVIN JOHNSON
It's a new word I learnt this week at the Ventriloquist's convention called Bifurcating.  Your lips do one thing, your tongue does the other.
INTERVIEW
KEVIN JOHNSON
So its, I keep the ventriloquism the same as we were talking and keep it the same way, however then I can take the liberty and have the lips doing something different, but I can't look at you while I'm doing it cos I have to think so hard about what my lips are doing. So that I can have them go one way, and have the tongue go the other way and still articulate it and make it work simultaneously which is a little scary.  How do you wrap your brain around that.
KEVIN JOHNSON (CONT'D)
Don't worry about it.
KEVIN JOHNSON (CONT'D)
OK.
MONKEY
What inspired you to become a ventriloquist?
LYNN TREFZGAR
I don't know I think I was very shy when I was little, so having a little puppet and getting away with saying things that normally I'd get in trouble for?
LITTLE LYNN
Like poo-poo and potty
LYNN TREFZGAR
Yeah.
NINA
The personality I have in life is rather bland and I'm surprised I've chosen it.  I find myself easy to please and falsely gauche and then you come out with what I'm really thinking and I think you give me an extra dimension.
BRAD CUMMINGS
Basically shy, and I think that er...
BRAD'S PUPPET
Hey hey, the hand.
BRAD CUMMINGS
Sorry.  I think that has a lot to do with it?  I don't know about all ventriloquists but I was very shy as a kid.
DAN HORN
I kind of always kept it in the closet because I made the mistake when I was about second grade of taking it into school for show and tell one day, and I got labelled the kid who plays with dolls.
DAVID TURNER
When I got to about seventh or eighth grade they said I played with dolls, I said no I didn't and I threw him in the closet and didn't get him out till after high school.
LYNN TREFZGAR
Yeah my parents thought I'd grow out of it.  And er...
LITTLE LYNN
...here you are
LYNN TREFZGAR
Here I am.
INT HOTEL THEATRE

BOB WADE
We have a T-shirt from our friend Bob Hamilton, the T-shirt says the voices you are hearing in your head are mine.
KEN CAMPBELL PUPPET
Here.  Over Here.
INTERVIEW
NINA
My mentor was a man called Ken Campbell, he came here in 2000, and he remembers you, I don't know if you remember him?
NACHO ESTRADA
Yeah I remember him.
NINA
You remember him?
NACHO ESTRADA
He had big bushy eyebrows right.  Right?
NACHO ESTRADA (CONT'D)
The word comes from the Latin Vientre.  Vientre is stomach, Loqui to speak. So throwing you voice really means getting the sound from the stomach and er through the throat you modify the sound of it.
INT HOTEL THEATRE
KEN CAMPBELL PUPPET
Here Bob.  Over here.
INTERVIEW
NACHO ESTRADA
They say throwing your voice, but I'm fooling your hearing so I can do something like, I throw my voice in here, but I'm not really throwing it, I'm misdirecting.  So I say 'hello' you see.
DISTANT VOICE
Hello
NACHO ESTRADA
So it's things like
DISTANT VOICE
Oh let me out
NACHO ESTRADA
But there's nothing in there, but I'm just fooling, I'm using this to, your directing your attention here.
NACHO ESTRADA (CONT'D)
Oh there you go
NACHO ESTRADA (CONT'D)
See it's a whistle.  See 'hello'
DISTANT VOICE
Hello
NACHO ESTRADA
See there again I'm doing the same thing with the whistle.
NACHO ESTRADA (CONT'D)
That's a good one.
NACHO ESTRADA (CONT'D)
Jump, I'll catch you in here OK?  1, 2, 3 jump.
DISTANT VOICE
No way.
NACHO ESTRADA
Come on.
DISTANT VOICE
OK
NACHO ESTRADA
C'mon.  Then I use the whistle like.
NACHO ESTRADA (CONT'D)
Very good.  You OK?
DISTANT VOICE
Oh I hurt my head.
NACHO ESTRADA
I'm sorry.
INT HOTEL ROOM
DOG
Where you been upstart?
NINA
I was out.
DOG
Did you talk to anyone from VentHaven?
NINA
No
DOG
You didn't?
NINA
I did but I forgot to mention it.
DOG
Why are we here?  Why are we here sitting in the hotel room?  You're drinking.  My destiny is in jeopardy.
KEN CAMPBELL V.O
Human Beings are all actually barmier and crazier than they try to let it be known.  What they develop through their educational processes and growing-up and what-not and what-not and just being around is that you've got to guard against your own insanity.  Once your own insanity starts to leak right, that when you're put away.  However the ventriloquated doll is the device that allows us access to the insanity of the ventriloquator.
NINA
You're not saying anything?
JACK
I'm waiting till you're listening.
JACK (CONT'D)
Stop laughing.  Ken, you're letting him down.  What have you done with him over there?  On the floor, headless.
JACK (CONT'D)
What?
NINA
What?
JACK
You haven't got my voice.  You haven't got it.  You haven't got any-ones'  It's disgusting to bring Ken out here.  You can't attempt Ken.  It's tantamount to psychic necrophilia.  Psychic necrophilia Nina.  You disgust me.  You've turned a puported tribute into a tarts holiday.  A tarts holiday, you're a tart.
NINA
You're horrible.
NINA (CONT'D)
Oh dear.  Don't drink and do ventriloquism I think is the moral of this evening.
INT HOTEL ROOM
NINA V.O
I've just realised that in this film I can do my own voice-over.  Right now.  So if this was a shot of me just looking at the ceiling?
NINA
For example.
NINA V.O
Then it would be like this.
NINA
That's quite weird.  I like it.
NINA V.O
I've really started talking to myself now.
NINA
There's no point in this there really isn't.
NINA V.O
Well just continue with it.  See where it goes?
NINA
I could tell you myself, what would be the point of that?
NINA V.O
Explore the madness.  Have you tried doing a seance?
NINA
Why would I do a seance?
NINA V.O
To try and conjure up Ken.
NINA
Ken?
KEN CAMPBELL PUPPET
I'm dead.
NINA
Ken?
KEN CAMPBELL PUPPET
Do you remember what I taught you about Tuvan chanting?
NINA
I've forgotten the Tuvan chanting a bit.  (Tuvan chant)
NINA (CONT'D)
I never quite got that down.  I was much better at the ventriloquism.
KEN CAMPBELL PUPPET
Don't give up.
NINA
Can I really keep on doing it for ever Ken?
KEN CAMPBELL PUPPET
Yeah.
NINA
When I'm old and ugly will I still get gigs?
KEN CAMPBELL PUPPET
You're already old and ugly.  The old and the ugly can get plenty of gigs as long as they're funny, you've got to work at it.
NINA
Bored now.
KEN CAMPBELL PUPPET
Screw you.
INT HOTEL DEALERS' ROOM
CLACKY PUPPET
I've got a rather clacky mouth
NINA
You have
CLACKY PUPPET
Yes its something I've tried to minimise and yet I haven't so far managed.
NINA
Your pipe's empty
PIPE PUPPET
Don't I know it.
BOY'S PUPPET
Oh you're the person with the Monkey aren't you?
NINA
Yeah I am hello.
BOY'S PUPPET
Hello, hello how are you?
NINA
You're very good.
BOY'S PUPPET
Thank you, thank you.
NINA
This was the maker of Ken.
MONKEY
There he is look look that's him.
MONKEY (CONT'D)
He's actually having a laugh this guy.  I think you're missing a trick with the one upstairs.
NINA
Goodness
MONKEY
He looks like your ex boyfriend.
NINA
The less said about him the better.  Oh my god, he does.
NINA (CONT'D)
I came here with six bereaved puppets.
OLD LADY PUPPET 2
You don't say.
NINA
Yeah
OLD LADY PUPPET 2
How are they?
NINA
They're fine
OLD LADY PUPPET 2
Have you taken them to VentHaven?
NINA
I haven't yet, but I'm going to take them tomorrow.
OLD LADY PUPPET 2
You don't say.
NINA
I think they may feel rather warm, I'm hoping?  They might feel rather reassured by so many other puppets that have been through the same traumatic experience.
OLD LADY PUPPET 2
Well honey, I hate to say this but I think you're taking this whole thing too seriously.
NINA
This is just clothes, maybe there's a swimsuit for Gran, she wants to swim.
INT HOTEL FUNCTION ROOM
DAN HORN
It's a manipulation of this scissor movement with the hands back and forth, then I'm gonna take this one, I wanna push her hair up a little bit, see how that wrist, that flexible wrist helps make that look so much more realistic.
INT HOTEL INTERVIEW ROOM
DAN HORN
Orson, Orson what's the matter?
ORSON
I don't know.
DAN HORN
What do you do in a situation like this?
ORSON
You die.
DAN HORN
Alright hold on, I'll try mouth to mouth resuscitation.
ORSON
You do and your dead.
DAN HORN
Stop, stop, settle down.  Alright sit there a second, just calm down, try to catch your breath.
DAN HORN (CONT'D)
OK.  What is that?
ORSON
CPR
DAN HORN
OK
INT HOTEL INTERVIEW ROOM
MONKEY
Yes I'm quite skinny.
DAN HORN
Hopefully its not too painful for you.
MONKEY
I'm hoping it will be worth it.
MONKEY (CONT'D)
Oh it's good.  Are you gonna try?
DAN HORN
You going to sit on the stand there?
NINA
I don't know the...
MONKEY
Nina, what are you doing?  This is no good.
NINA
Sorry
MONKEY
No I don't want it like this.
DAN HORN
Now bring him forward a little bit.  I don't mean to get personal with you there Monkey.
MONKEY
No you're the master, its this halfwit on the left here.
DAN HORN
Now to start out with, bring the hands together.  Bring them so that they come together.  Then just push them so that he's sitting with them in his lap.
NINA
OK
DAN HORN
Then we're going to just, we're going to try manipulating one hand and we're just gonna reach up and do a little scratch, and then bring it down.
MONKEY
I've been waiting to scratch that itch all these years.  Thank you Dan.
DAN HORN
You couldn't get your arm up there right?
MONKEY
No I couldn't.
DAN HORN
But one of the things is I use a stand that's black, I'm dressed in black, it sort of helps the rods disappear.  Then the idea of course is to get it all coordinated, so we're going to conduct a little orchestra here.
INT HOTEL THEATRE
NINA
I'm very interested in the idea that puppets can say things that humans can't say.
MONKEY
Yes that's for sure, but I'm not going to do that right now.
NINA
So um I was interviewing lots of ventriloquists about when their puppets have surprised them by bringing out a side of their personality...
MONKEY
That they didn't know they had
NINA
Yeah, finishing my sentences?
MONKEY
Someone got to
NINA
Every time on stage, you know something's not working...
MONKEY
Or we get heckled, I always side with the heckler
NINA
And so um I've found that a very uh a very useful comedic... oh what do you call it?
MONKEY
What vessel?
NINA
Vessel maybe.
MONKEY
I have to give her the words this is really weird.
NINA
I find it quite useful to have any self-doubt, I'm sure we're all riddled with it you've got voices in your head telling you you're stupid you've got that wrong why are you standing like that.  All that.
MONKEY
All that I say and you love it.  They lap it up when I insult you.
INTERVIEW
NINA
Do you think that ventriloquism helps you to access a more spontaneous part of your brain?
LITTLE LYNN
That's a lot of big words.  That's a lot of big words.  I think you better answer that one.
LYNN TREFZGAR
Access a more spontaneous part of my brain?
NINA
Yeah, when you have a figure on.
LYNN TREFZGAR
Oh gosh yeah.  You know yeah. 
LYNN TREFZGAR (CONT'D)
Even though I know I'm on stage alone, you know sub-consciously I'm relying on something to take the attention off of me.
KIMBERLEY MILLER
There's been times when I just want to, I don't realise I want to say something to this person and she'll just come out and say it and do this. I can get away and say just about anything, and what are you going to say to that?
JAY JOHNSON
The ability also to say something truly awful, and before its turned on you, before they say 'wait a minute it was actually that guy who said it', I'm already apologizing to the person, I'm already saying 'oh listen he really didn't mean it'.  You immediately defuse it because your apologizing for something he said, when you said it.  You know, it's almost like 'yeah I know the rules and its alright I'll forgive him'.  So we've already put it in third person you know.  We've already not only said it not taken credit for it, but then dismissed and apologized for it.  So it's complete schizophrenia gone awry.  We are nuts, I take my sign down, I thought we were good, we are nuts, at least we know the rules of insanity better than anybody else.
INT HOTEL ROOM
JACK
Owl's stuck in a drawer and Crow you've lost.  Forgotten why we're here tarty?  Dog and VentHaven.  Ow.
INTERVIEW
MONKEY
What do you think you might do with your puppet when you are know longer with us.
VENTRILOQUIST5
My puppets yes they will probably go to the VentHaven museum.
LITTLE LYNN
I guess we'll be amongst a lot of friends.
LYNN TREFZGAR
Yeah
LITTLE LYNN
We wouldn't talk much.
KEN GROVES
He'll probably end up in the VentHaven museum more than likely.
JAY JOHNSON
VentHaven's certainly an option.
DAVID TURNER
I would love to just give one or two to VentHaven.
VENTRILOQUIST6
I think it's an honour to be in VentHaven and to have a figure there.
VENTRILOQUIST7
To send them to VentHaven
VENTRILOQUIST8
To VentHaven
INT TAXI
MONKEY
So uh, what exactly is VentHaven?
NINA
VentHaven is a place where people leave their puppets, bequeath their puppets to because they'll be well looked after there, and it is also open as a museum.
MONKEY
It's a memorial?
NINA
Yeah and a museum.
MONKEY
And so can you see in the coffins.
NINA
There's not coffins
MONKEY
So you going to leave the dog there now?
NINA
No I'll keep him with us for as long as I possibly can.  Cos it would be sad to do that before time.
INTERVIEW
MONKEY
Hang on, I'm just referring to my notes.
NINA
Um, can we go back a bit?
MONKEY
No, it's fine we'll carry on.
NINA
OK
MONKEY
What chemistry did you have with Ken Nina?
NINA
There was definitely a chemistry there.  I think he had great hopes for me.
NINA 2000
So we going to go meet Ken now?
MONKEY 2000
Yes
NINA 2000
And he's going to tell us our ideas, his ideas.
MONKEY 2000
Our ideas?
NINA 2000
No his ideas.
MONKEY 2000
You said our ideas.
NINA
I mean I was quite young when I knew him and I did say stupid things.  There only exists one video of me with him and he's telling such an interesting story and I pick up on the most stupid details and throw him off the point.  I was a bit of an asshole, bit of a naive asshole.
NINA (CONT'D)
I never got to thank him well enough for having given me a whole career.
NINA (CONT'D)
I was planning to do something in his lifetime and I end up doing something afterward which is really annoying.
EXT SWIMMING POOL
NINA
You sure you're up for it?  You ready?
GRAN
As ready as I'll ever be dear.  You only live once heh.
NINA
Yeah.  So do you want to go in in this?
GRAN
No I don't want to get it wet dear.
GRAN (CONT'D)
Gently dear.
NINA
I'm sorry I cant do it gently, I've got to really just yank it.
GRAN
Och no gently, you're breaking my arm dear.
NINA
Its because your hands are bigger than the sleeves.
GRAN
Oh my thumb?
NINA
Sorry.  Now pull your arm.
GRAN
I can't I haven't the strength dear.
NINA
And your underwear, you alright?
GRAN
Oh yes.  Protect my modesty dear.  I don't want to frighten the horses.  Oh look at that, they're naturally buoyant.
NINA
That's true.
GRAN
Oh look I'm floating. I'm floating.
NINA
I didn't know you'd float.
GRAN
No.  That's mystifying look at that.
GRAN (CONT'D)
Oh it's the nicest thing I've ever felt.  Better than flying dear.
GRAN (CONT'D)
Oh I can feel it seeping in.
NINA
What do you mean?
GRAN
I think my legs are expanding.  Oh yes they're getting heavier and heavier.
GRAN (CONT'D)
Oh the stars of Kentucky.
NINA
Do you want to go under?
GRAN
Is it safe?
NINA
A-ha.  You'll have to hold your nose.
GRAN
I can't do that dear.
NINA
Can you fold your nose?
GRAN
Yes.
NINA
Do that then.  Yeah like that.  Take a deep breath first then go under.
NINA (CONT'D)
Are you OK?
GRAN
That is too much dear.
NINA
I'm sorry.
GRAN
You held me down too long.  It's shocking.  It's filled my mouth, and my ears, and my nose and it was horrible dear, get me out, get me out now.
NINA
OK
GRAN
A rum job dear, a rum job.  You'll have to wring me dry.
GRAN (CONT'D)
Oh never again.
NINA
You were having such a lovely time.
GRAN
Never again dear.
INT HOTEL ROOM
DOG
I'm gonna hit town later.  Gonna get me some sweet Kentucky ass.
NINA
Excuse me? You're a dog.
DOG
They aint fussy.
NINA
I don't know about this side to you, you're getting all horny.
DOG
I was thinking about it.  In VentHaven, I'm gonna be goddarn celibate.
NINA
Probably a good thing.
DOG
I don't wanna go anymore.
NINA
That is absurd, this whole trip has been about you going to VentHaven.
DOG
Why?
NINA
Because you are the man's best friend, that's what you know you're always said to be.
DOG
Yeah, but I don't mean nothing to you?  So you get rid of me that's too easy.
INT HOTEL ROOM
KEN CAMPBELL PUPPET
So Nina.
NINA
Yeah?
KEN CAMPBELL PUPPET
What's all this about you giving up ventriloquism?
KEN CAMPBELL PUPPET (CONT'D)
Don't laugh.  Gave you a career.  What are you going to do?
NINA
I'm giving it a good go Ken.
KEN CAMPBELL PUPPET
What do you mean?
NINA
Well this is a last hurrah you know?
KEN CAMPBELL PUPPET
A last hurrah.  Nina?
NINA
Yeah?
KEN CAMPBELL PUPPET
So you had an abortion didn't you?  And about seven months later on the day it should have been born Monkey arrived.  Is that right?  Almost to the day.
NINA
Yeah.
KEN CAMPBELL PUPPET
Well don't you think that's a bit of a coincidence?
NINA
Don't know?
KEN CAMPBELL PUPPET
Doesn't that make him your son?  You gonna put your son in a box, and leave him there for the rest of your life?
MONKEY VO
But Ken don't they know I'm not real?
KEN CAMPBELL V.O
No, because in some sense you are real.  Yeah?
KEN CAMPBELL V.O (CONT'D)
Here's what Schiller said.  There is a watcher at the gate of the mind, and it's the watcher which stops you being creative, because creation and insanity are almost the same thing.
EXT SWIMMING POOL
KEN CAMPBELL V.O
Monkey it's your job, she can't do it.
MONKEY VO
Yes
KEN CAMPBELL V.O
But you?  You can kill off the watcher to the gate of the mind...
MONKEY VO
Yes I get you.
KEN CAMPBELL V.O
so that we go roar into spontaneous imagination and creation.
MONKEY
You nervous?
NINA
No, not particularly.
MONKEY
You thinking this might be our last gig?
MONKEY (CONT'D)
Talk to me Nina.  Say something.
KEVIN JOHNSON
I enjoy when ventriloquists take things to the next level.  This little box they've been stuck in with tradition and consistency of conservativity.  Why be conservative, why think like everyone else does?  Why do the corny jokes with the wooden heads?  Be your own character.
INT HOTEL THEATRE
MC
I give you the talents of Nina Conti
NINA
Come and say hello.
MONKEY
Hello.  Where are we?
NINA
You know where we are, we're at the ventriloquists' convention.  Everybody here is a ventriloquist.
MONKEY
No pressure then.
NINA
Ooh you alright?
MONKEY
Take it off.
NINA
How?
MONKEY
Just twist it.  Oh no don't twist it.
NINA
OK
MONKEY
I'm gonna count from three to one.
NINA
Yeah
MONKEY
When I get to one you'll be asleep.  3 you're suddenly feeling quite tired, 2 your eyes are beginning to close, 1 you are now in a deep level of trance.
NINA
Ow
NINA (CONT'D)
I can't talk to this it's too skeletal and it's freaking me out.
MONKEY
OK then put this hand down by your side, but I'm still here.
NINA
Where are you now?
MONKEY
I'm in your mind.
NINA
The laughter's got a bit uneasy.
MONKEY
It's OK we're nearly done.
NINA
What do I do now?
MONKEY
Are you ready for the final step?
NINA
No what's the final step?
MONKEY
I need to use your mouth.
NINA
No no no no.
MONKEY
And your face.
NINA
No no stay where you are.
MONKEY
Here I come, here I come , here I come, here I am.  Oh at last I'm in the stupid cow, and you're all a bit freaked out now aren't you?  Quite a sweet voice on a little monkey, but within a dress it's bloody sinister.  Thank you, thank you and good-night
EXT HOTEL
AUDIENCE MEMBER1
That performance was stunning.
AUDIENCE MEMBER2
I can't imagine someone can get that kind of expression out of that little puppet.
AUDIENCE MEMBER3
You were really good with that ape.
NINA
Thank you.
AUDIENCE MEMBER4
You were awesome.
AUDIENCE MEMBER5
That performance was really good.
AUDIENCE MEMBER6
That act was freaky but funny.
KEN CAMPBELL V.O
Do you get the feeling that ventriloquism is downgraded?  People despair as soon as they see it's going to be ventriloquism?
MONKEY VO
That's my feeling.
KEN CAMPBELL V.O
I think it's given to you is the possibility, which is good fun, to raise up this discarded art-form, and for people to say gosh this is a thing, this is better.
INTERVIEW
MONKEY
OK Nina, well I propose that you stage my death.
NINA
What?
MONKEY
In order to investigate how you'd really feel about a life without me.
NINA
Yes.
EXT HOTEL
MONKEY
OK Nina, action.
MONKEY (CONT'D)
OK Nina drop the monkey.
MONKEY (CONT'D)
And action car.
MONKEY (CONT'D)
Oh sweet Jesus.
WILMA
What happened?
WILMA (CONT'D)
Holy Cow.  He's pinned.
NINA
Move your car, move your car back.
WILMA
I'm sorry.  I was just going to take a pastor to his church.  Do you want him to have his last rights?
NINA
I don't understand.
PASTOR
We brought nothing into this world, and certainly we can take nothing out.  What else can we say but earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust.  Amen.
WILMA
I'm so sorry Nina.
NINA
Thank you.
WILMA
Can I try to get you another monkey or something?
WILMA (CONT'D)
I feel so bad I mean I don't know what to do.  We're both ventriloquists, I live in the States, I hope nobody thinks I did  that deliberately just to knock out one of my competition?
INT KEN'S KITCHEN
KEN CAMPBELL
One of the great ways of making a love story audience cry is to part the lovers and then unite them by chance all of a sudden.  Yeah, that gets the folk.
EXT HOTEL BALCONY
NINA PUPPET
I guess you're wondering why we're out here.  I'm really sorry I never said thank you enough in your lifetime.  And I'm really grateful for the adventures and ventriloquism and I'm sorry I was such a vapid, stupid idiot.
NINA PUPPET (CONT'D)
And I really loved you, but I kept my distance.  I was scared of the shouting and the age difference.
KEN CAMPBELL PUPPET
Age difference?  Look at us now.  We're immortal.
INT HOTEL ROOM
MONKEY
It was a good job you brought my understudy along.
NINA
Yes, wasn't that a good job.
MONKEY
I couldn't have done that scene under the car Jesus.
NINA
No
MONKEY
That, that lady who ran him over, wow I like her.
MONKEY (CONT'D)
Was she a lady Nina?
NINA
Yes
MONKEY
Are you sure?
NINA
Yeah
MONKEY
She sounds like a lady
NINA
Yeah
MONKEY
She's tall for a lady
NINA
Hmm
MONKEY
She's a lady
NINA
Yep
INT HOTEL ROOM
NINA
Feeling good after your swim Gran?
GRAN
Oh Yes, it did me wonders.
NINA
That's terrific.  Dog's just told me he doesn't want to go to VentHaven anymore.
GRAN
Oh really?
NINA
So no-one's going to go to VenHaven after all.
GRAN
That's not right.
NINA
Why not?
GRAN
Someone's got to go.  We've come all this way.
INT HOTEL ROOM
NINA
(On phone) Yes we just, I was interested in whether it would be possible to donate a puppet to you guys and to the museum.
NINA (CONT'D)
Yes I can bring it over today.
NINA (CONT'D)
Brilliant thank you very much. OK bye.
EXT VENTHAVEN
NINA
Gran we're here.
GRAN
Kentucky.
NINA
We're at VentHaven.
GRAN
Kentucky.
NINA
Yes we're here now.  Are you ready?
GRAN
Yes dear.
NINA
So um, I just wanted to say goodbye.
GRAN
Well done dear.
NINA
You've been lovely I really like you and um I'll come and visit.
GRAN
Right you are.
NINA
OK.  Bye Gran.  So good of you.
GRAN
No it's no trouble dear.
NINA
OK.  So are you going to be warm enough?
GRAN
Yes I'll be fine.
NINA
OK.
INT SHUTTLE BUS
MONKEY
What are you thinking Nina
NINA
I'm thinking that when Ken bought me that first teach-yourself-ventriloquism kit, I had no idea that it was going to change the course of my life and that I'd end up probably going to a ventriloquist convention every year just like Christmas or a birthday.
MONKEY
You mean you're going to carry on doing ventriloquism?
NINA
I somehow think we are.
MONKEY
That's cool.
EXT VENTHAVEN
NINA
I was wondering if you'd like this puppet?
BOY
I would love it.
NINA
Would you really?  Cos I'm no good at it and I've been trying so hard, and I just thought you're so great and so promising so that's form me...
BOY
Thank you
NINA
...and I think it's going to a good home.
BOY
Yeah thank you.
NINA
Good luck with him.
EXT NINA'S FRONT DOOR
NINA
Hello
MONKEY
Hello
STAN
Hello.  Hello welcome back.
MONKEY
Did you miss me?
STAN
Yes very much.
MONKEY
Good.
THE END.

© 2024 Journeyman Pictures
Journeyman Pictures Ltd. 4-6 High Street, Thames Ditton, Surrey, KT7 0RY, United Kingdom
Email: info@journeyman.tv

This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site you are agreeing to our use of cookies. For more info see our Cookies Policy