EVERYBODY'S CHILD (75 mins)
by Garry Fraser
Transcription/ Post-production Script
(00:00:56) (FRONT TITLE SEQUENCE) ‘EVERYBODY'S CHILD'
( Stair case)
(00:01:12) I wasn't born into this world, I was thrown into it with an alcoholic for a dad and a mum who just doesn't know how to love. I was up against the odds right from the start. (00:01:27) I can still see the place where my mum held my hand out and slowly burnt a cigarette just to teach me a lesson for playing with matches. I can still see the place where they took me into care, 36 different care homes in 8 years. I bet you they didn't even know why never fitted in.
(00:01:50) I want to tell you a story (00:01:53) but in order for me to tell you this story
I'm going to have to delve into the demons of my past, to find some answers, and some of them aren't going to be pretty
(00:02:13) I was taken into the care system as a vulnerable 8 year old. I was released back onto the streets, a multi-tasking criminal at 16 years old probably at the most critical age of my live, left to my own devices.
(00:02:36) My area's completely destroyed through AIDS, through drugs, through nobody just giving a fuck. They've let a full generation of people die down here and just be forgotten, just forgotten.
(00:02:50) (Archive : Muirhouse)
(00:03:00) It's hard to believe, next to New York, Edinburgh was the biggest city with AIDS and now it's like it never even happened. I've lost so many pals, friends, family.(00:03:13) my peers. This just looks like a bit of barren waste ground to you. But for me this was my childhood.
(00:03:26) (BBC News Report) "Edinburgh has not learned to live with its ignominious title of AIDS capital of Europe. The widespread use of drugs in some areas of the city has led to an explosive spread of the infection. The sharing of needles to inject Heroin and the consequent passing on of infected blood is the main way in which the virus can be spread. The issuing of clean needles to addicts may be controversial, but the report's author says the AIDS problem is a more serious one than drug abuse."
(00:03:55) To get a better understanding of my community and what addiction and drugs and poverty have done there's only one man I know who has really got a unique insight into it. Steph, he's my own drug worker, who helped me come off methadone.
Steph:
(00:04:08) When I was first here in '84 that was the explosion, that was the kind of HIV explosion then. Roy Robertson did his paper, which he published in '85, I think it was, so Roy from Muirhouse Medical Group (00:04:21) and he looked at blood samples that he had refrigerated for his drug using patients ... I think it was 167 patients, 51% of those patients were found to be HIV positive and this added to sort of the burgeon and global realisation that there was a connection between injecting drug use and HIV. Similar studies were done in Glasgow, England and Wales. In Glasgow, 5%, 4.5% of the patients in Glasgow were found to be HIV positive. In England and Wales it fluctuated between 5 and 10%. So Muirhouse, 51%, the rest of the country, somewhere between 5 and 10% and I think that's why Edinburgh was tagged the ‘AIDS capital of Europe' in the mid 80's and Muirhouse was probably the hub of that capital.
(00:05:26) (Garry in shower) (Int Garry's House with family)
(00:05:37) My live changed so much. I never really thought I would be a family man. (00.05.50) I remember in the dark days when I used to say to myself that nobody would come to my funeral. That doesn't even seem like me anymore.
(00:06:01)
Angela:
Go and put your jumper on Garry Jay.
Garry Jay:
Where is it?
Angela:
It's on the door. And you've not changed your socks so go and get them changed.
(00:06:30) Looking at my kids I dread to think what they would do without me. After all these years of taking drugs I think it's about time I went and got myself checked for AIDS and Hep C.
(00:06:55) So that's me just been for a AIDS test and a Hep B booster. That's where the needle went in for the HIV. It's funny an ex-junkie, I'm not even an ex-junkie, the Doctor doesn't think that, that I'm an addict because I'm on 5 Dihydrocodeine and if I'd wanted to there, I could've went and got Methadone because I'm in such a low mood (00:07:24). He says if I want to go and get Methadone I can go back on my Methadone programme any time I want, which I just think is fucking appalling. I'm sitting in that fucking surgery and as I'm sitting in that surgery I'm looking around me thinking how many people have been here before me. The story that I'm trying to tell,(00:07:43) how many of them, I'm running out of numbers now. I've ran out of numbers for the amount of pals that I know that have died.
(00:08:00) I come from a generation where hope never fades. Most of my people where taken by AIDS. To ignorant people that is HIV. Come, look at my story. Let's look at everybody's child
(00:08:21) Tam's had the virus for 21 years. When he first got told he had the virus he was told he was handed a death sentence. Everything I know about living with somebody with AIDS has come from Tam. But Tam's beat the virus. (00:08:35) I think the combinational therapy of drugs have helped that.
(00-08:39) (Conversation whilst walking)
Garry:
J's 21 now. Thomas must be 33?
Tam:
Aye 5 year
Garry:
J's 21 now. Thomas must be 33?
Tam:
Aye
Garry:
Sarah, 28?
(00:08:47) Tam:
28 and pregnant. I'm going to be a granddad.
Garry:
Oh, granddad Tam.
Tam: (00:08:52)
Just think before the combination come out, I just used to live day to day. I didn't even used to bother if I'd die in the morning. I used to fall asleep and say well if I fall asleep and die, I'm not bothered.
Garry: (00:09:02) Did you get to a point when you were like fuck it, with like the virus like, I'm in the mood for it?
Tam:
Aye, well that was before the combination come out.
Tam
(00:09:13) It was in the 80's and there was people catching the virus like in Leith and stuff like that, but if it, it was a thing like if you, if you had the virus you're a fucking alien, know what I mean. (00:09:30) Nobody would come near you sort of thing, but I'm just the sort of guy that would say aye, I've got the virus, ken (know) what I mean and if anybody said anything it would be, it's always behind your back.
Garry:
(00:09:30) Aye, it's never to your face.
Tam:
Ken (know) what I mean, so it doesn't matter to me.
Garry:
(00:09:40) Remember when that guy says, remember when he says to you can you give me some of your blood so I can get on DLA?
Tam:
Aye, unbelievable.
Garry:
(00:09:53) The guy wanted to inject your blood so he can get the virus so he could get more brew money.
Tam:
Aye, so he could get the high rate.
Garry:
I was like you've got to be fucking kidding. I remember when you told me that I was like
Tam:
I says to the guy, I says are you fucking nuts?
Garry:
(00:10:08) You'd just come in the house. Fucking unbelievable man, that's mad.
Tam:
The best one was when you went down to my house and I had all they vallies and all that and I put them all down the toilet, all down the toilet and flushed them away. You were fucking boaking.
Garry:
(00:10:21) I was like how can you do that? You could've just gave them to me. It's a waste. I just seen them going down the sink and I'm like you can't do that. It's like throwing an ounce of kit into the fucking wall. It's like, well I'd much rather burn it away, but
Tam:
Done you a favour.
Garry:
(00:10:34) You did do me a favour. I'll tell you something now that you might not know, right, ken (know) how I says that I flushed the smack down the toilet? I never. I took it up to the house with Brian, right.
Tam:
(00:10:44) How much do you owe me now then?
Garry:
Laughing
Tam:
Ha ha, you just stuck yourself in, you wideo. You're still not learning.
(00:10:53) (Walking through park)
(00:10:57) To continue with my future I've got to face up to the demons from my past. One of these demons is for something I did to Tam's mum's. I want to apologise to her
(Aggie's house)
(00:10:57) So how are we going to get in the stair, press the buzzer
(00:11:11) Aggie (Tam's mum):
No bad, passable. What have you been doing? Lying gouching Garry?
Garry:
Not for a long time, not for a long time.
(00:11:21) Tam:
What my ma's been through?
Garry:
Aye, see
Tam:
Aye, through hell and back, with a family like we've got. We had Derek using, that passed away. Trisha, his wife, passed away. Brian did now and again.
Aggie:
No, not often, no.
Tam:
Not very often.
Aggie:
(00:11:43) Unless he met Garry.
Garry:
Unless he met me.
Tam:
(00:10:46) Wullie did, but not very often. He got Hep C, but he managed to get rid of it.
Aggie:
Aye
Tam:
(00:11:52) because of his insurance and the car and all that stuff and I was the worst.
Garry:
(00:11:59) You know like the Christmases and everything that you gave me, you know like when I first come out of care and we all would, remember the laughs we used to have at Christmas?
Tam:
Aye
Garry:
I'd never had that before because being in a Children's Home, you never seen any of that.
(00:12:10) Aggie:
Anybody could come in my house at Christmas, New Year, anytime they wanted.
Garry:
(00:12:12) I need to apologise for something. Let me get this right. I want to apologise for something that I done in the 90's, which was bring Heroin back into your house and I should've learned after Tam and that that Heroin just fucking destroys families and I never and I want to apologise to you for that, just, just that in itself. There's probably a million and one other things I've got to apologise for, but
(00:12:42) Aggie:
Where do you want me start? Where will I start Garry?
(00:12:48) Garry:
But that's just the one, because like if you(s) never done what you done, like when I was 16 and my nana had obviously died, I wouldn't be here.
(00:12:55) Aggie:
But I mean your wife was the same Garry. She never gave you much, if she was on it and you were on it, what
Garry:
No chance.
Aggie:
You've no chance in hell of you coming off.
Garry:
No.
(00:13:035) Aggie:
Because you're trying to come off and she's taking it and you're, ach just have, go on just a wee bit Garry and that's what I says to you then, but you wouldn't listen to me then.
(00:13:12) Garry: You know, I didn't think I could listen at all.
Aggie:
You says to me no, no, I'm coming, but I knew, as soon as I looked at your face I knew.
Garry:
That's what and looking back on it now thinking about how me and Angie would walk in here
Aggie:
That's right
(00:13:22) Garry:
and go (slumps on couch) like that, but now I feel like how, how could you do that Garry? Ken (know) like, but at the time
Aggie:
But at the time that's what was done.
Garry:
(00:13:31) it didn't seem like I was doing anything wrong, ken (know) like
Aggie:
You used to say oh she's coming off, she's coming off. I said Garry, she's not coming off, have a good look at her.
Aggie:
But you couldn't look at her because you were seeing the same as what you were doing.
(00:13:42) (Cemetery)
(00:13:50) I wanted to pay my respects and I lay flowers at the graves of Tam brother, Tam's sister-in-law. I don't want to say any names, but I know a lot of my own people are buried in here as well and it's horrible looking around seeing name after name after name after name after name that you know. There wasn't enough flowers to go around and I feel so fucking sad for that.
(00:14:36) Street in Muirhouse
(Garry)When I have a feeling like this my first thought is Heroin. There's no other thought. The first thing I think about is smack, that tin foil, the taste, the money. I fucking miss it. I miss it a lot. I miss the smack days a lot, which sounds fucking weird, but I'll tell you what, when I was on smack I never ever ever felt any this pain and my hands never shook. My hands did never shake on smack and I didn't ever have a conscience. Never ever had a guilty conscience on smack. Now I feel like I'm fucking guilty for everything. Now I feel like I apologise at every given opportunity. I almost feel like cunts like me don't deserve to be here.
(00:15:54) Portrait of Garry and Poem
(Garry) Rule number one get yourself a gun. Rule number two stay loyal to your crew. Rule number three it is special to me, smoke that weed and set my mind free. Rule number four always make sure there are not children in that house before you go through that door. Rule number five on a fuck up street stay more than survive. Rule number six always make sure that your DS are out of your mix; Rule number seven take a toke of your join for the boys up in heaven. Rule number eight (..?..) Rule number nine if your bird is fine touch her softly and complement her mind, trust me you'll tap that in time; rule number 10 always stack more than you spend and if you are re-incarnated come back and do all this again.
(00:16:42) (Int house, Garry making a telephone call)
Secretary:
Hello there, doctors surgery can I help you?
Garry:
Aye I wonder if you could help me please, yeah, I had a, an appointment with Dr ...
Secretary:
Uhuh
Garry:
And the purpose of the, the appointment was for a HIV test
Secretary:
Okay, I'll put a message to Dr Miles first thing in the morning to give you a ring.
Garry:
(00:17:06) Okay, that's brilliant. Thank you.
Secretary:
No problem. Thanks
Garry:
Cheers, bye.
Secretary:
Bye
(00:17:18) (Edinburgh at night and interior hall, Wideo drama workshop)
(00:17:35 (Garry) Filmmaking have helped me to over come barriers that I never thought it would be possible
(00:17:37) Connor, Thomas, Andy, use have got your characters, do you know what your characters are.
(00:17:34) When you are somebody like me your past either works for you or you past works against you. With Wideo media my past works for me
(00:18:03) I know these guys are at a critical age. I was at that age once as well. That is why I started Wideo Media. I'm so proud of them. Seeing them coming here every week doing what they do, doing something creative instead of getting into trouble on the street and that makes my life very very special.
(00:18.21) It's up to you what you do from here on...This is the foundation for the film. Just think about your characters because when Saturday comes you would start to feel. I want you to feel your characters and emotions.... This is the last time...go...
(00:18:39) Kids acting
(00:18:53) Cut. That's brilliant. That's fucking amazing compared to last week. That's what I just want to end it on, a fucking high like that. Look at the difference from last week till now.
(00:19:03) (Outside filming)
(00:20:03) (girl crying) What have you fucking done?... Cut
(00:20:17) (Pictures of Muirhouse) (Garry) Sometimes when you stay in a Council estate it's like staying on Big Brother. There's that many different cameras you don't know who's looking at who. Is it any surprise that we all cover our faces. I'm shocked that other people find it shocking that we live like this.
(00:20:35) Inside a house's bedrrom
(Garry) (00:20:40) What do you think other cunts think of us?
(00:20:44) NEDS (non educated delinquents) , it's the first thing that pops into their head no matter who that is: NEDS.
(00:20:52) If someone call you a NED what you do?
(00:20:55) Well depends what it is. If some cunt just calling you a NED you of course are going to go ask what?...
(00:21:02) Do you find that offensive?....Oh yes
How many times you have seen people walking in the street who see people like us and turn back and walk away
(00:21:11)Yes, lots of people... (00:21:!4) but one thing that everybody in this room hate is junkies (heroin addicts)
(00:21:!7) One thing everybody hate is junkies? The one thing that controls the North of Edinburgh is drugs..do you know what that is called? A paradox because drugs are ruling these streets without doubts..
(00:21:36) Yes but they are standing about
So it's certain type of junkies
(00:21:44) But what defines a junky because I take vallies (Valium) , I got a habit..
Smack heads... those heavy on it...someone who take smack?
(00:21:56) Yes but who are not even bothered about it. That is what annoys me, mates that walk about in the street with their children...ahhhh..the kids don't deserve that shit just like it happened to us when we were growing up, but nobody would say back in those days -‘oh look that is brutal in that child'-
I understand that
(00:22:17) It's brutal the way you see a child walking over with a junky, especially kids who are old enough to be embarrassed about it
(00:22:28) (Edinburgh Castle shot)
(00:22:36) From the age of 6 or 7 my life's been fully recorded. It's funny that, no wonder I'm a product of the system.
(Walking through city)
Answering machine message:
(00:22:44) Hello, this is Jennifer Bryson at Birthlink. I'm looking for Garry Fraser. Garry, it's about the files that you want access to. I've been allocated to share that information and they're ready for you to get whenever you want. Okay, thank you, bye.
(00:23:05) Fuck it, whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, eh?
Jennifer Bryson:
(00:23:15) I've read through and I was getting a real sense of you being a real character and some of the things you got up to, I was like oh, want to meet this guy.
Garry:
What was, what was the ones that
Jennifer Bryson:
(00:23:26) Well you were forever running away, so obviously the system wasn't doing it for you. I've got Howdenhall, Rothesay, Midfields, St. Joseph's. I've got foster placement, Kenmuir, St. Mary's, Woodland School, Newton Stewart, but remember I reckon there's about 1,500 pages because I've got 287 here, but the one I noticed there was that you'd stolen a boat.
(00:24:00) "Garry has been arrested and charged with theft of a boat and will probably be held in police custody for the rest of the weekend". Yeah, so there was, there's loads of, you know, loads of, these are emergency Social Work reports, so these are, you know, "contacted by A&E Royal Infirmary, Garry made his own way, reporting he'd taken too many Jellies(Temazepam)".
Garry:
(00:24:29) I never drunk alcohol or that, so as you can see I wasn't one of they type of teenagers that went away and drunk.
Jennifer Bryson:
No, no, right enough. Do you know there's never, when I went through this, there was never any mention of alcohol.
Garry:
I think I was too scared that I was going to end up like my dad, so I stayed away from the drink altogether.
Jennifer Bryson:
Right, yeah.
Garry:
(00:24:44) and I think see because of being street wide, I was always scared that see if I was drunk that's when I was going to end up getting like
Jennifer Bryson:
Something would happen to you.
Garry:
That's when I thought, if some
Jennifer Bryson:
Aye, somebody would take advantage of you
Garry:
Absolutely.
Jennifer Bryson:
Sexually, aye
Garry:
(00:24:57) The hardest thing about being, about the Care System is that the members of staff that are the best are the ones that are more likely to lose their jobs.
Jennifer Bryson:
Yeah
Garry:
(00:25:09) Most people have got photographs from their childhood, I says I've got care files.
(00:25:14) (Forth Road Bridge)
(00:25:33) (Garry) It seems to be a recurring theme in Garry's life eh, that everybody just takes me in. Families take me in left, right and centre. Always in the search for a family or people to take me in and love me. Can't believe that I'm driving past the same houses that I used to stay in when I was a bairn (child) on the run.
(00:26:04) Walking up to my first ever Children's Home, is probably one of the hardest decisions I've ever made. As I'm walking up the pathway it just feels so different coming up here as a man.
(00:26:15) I had some good times in there. There was laughs, we got to go bowling, you got clothing grants, but by that time the damage had already been done.
(00:26:26) My first placement was foster parents. After they took me out of Muirhouse, they put me in a Young Person's Unit in Balerno. Within the first week I was sexually abused and this guy, a 14 year old guy walked into my room and told me that if I didn't put his penis in my mouth and suck it like a lollypop he was going to batter me and I couldn't tell anybody down Muirhouse about that. I couldn't tell anybody about that apart from a member of staff. How can I tell anybody about that? Everybody will just think I'm a poof or they'll just let it happen.
(00:27:04) Ha, ha, ha Garry. Ha, ha, ha Garry and within about 3 months of that happening I was in self-destruct mode until I left care and not once did anybody ask me if I was ever abused when I was in Children's Homes. Is it any wonder I had a deep distrust of adults from 10 years old onwards?
(00:27:27) (Driving / asking for directions)
(00:27:31) This is me going back to visit a woman who tried to foster me when I was in Sycamore. It's funny because the first time she met me, basically what had happened is her daughter Tracey's a year younger than me and she snuck me into her home and when she snuck me into her home she hid me in the linen cupboard, so at 6 o'clock in the morning her mum's getting ready for work and she puts her hand into the linen cupboard and what does she find, a wee 11 year old laddie lying in the fucking linen cupboard.
Roseanne:
(00:28:12) Hello
Garry:
Hiya, is your name Roseanne?
Roseanne:
Aye
Garry:
Oh you don't remember, eh not?
Roseanne:
No
Garry:
(00:28:20) Remember I was in a Children's Home, Garry? I was the wee laddie that you found in the
Roseanne:
Cupboard?
Garry:
Uhuh
Roseanne:
You're not the window cleaner? Are you taking the piss?
Garry:
(00:28:28) No, I'm not the window cleaner. I only came through to see you, just to thank you.
Roseanne:
Oh right, are you Garry Fraser? ... anyway, I'm glad you're alright son.
(00:28:42)
Garry:
I think out of everybody, this was the place I wanted to come, ken (know) when I was younger?
Roseanne:
Aye
INT Roseanne's HOUSE
Garry:
(00:28:54) So I think like what I wanted to do the most when I came through here was like thank you for showing me affection and showing me like what a family was like because I came out of they homes like a nutter. I thought, like the way I came out the homes was like
Roseanne:
Well, when you come here you were calm and you loved it, but then they dragged you away from here, then you just went
Garry:
That's what the problem is, they took me away from somewhere that was alright.
Roseanne:
That was right, they took you away that was alright and then
Garry:
They plonked me in again
Roseanne:
You fought against them and done something wrong again, eh?
Garry:
(00:29:15) Aye, it was like they didn't listen. Like, this would've been a, I think this place would've been perfect. I think your family, I think everything would've been perfect. There wasn't any reason for them to be the way they were, but I just don't think they listened that much.
Roseanne:
(00:29:25) So why did you never come back after you reached a certain age?
Garry:
Once I started taking drugs, I started dealing them heavy. I started going down to London. I hooked up with the Turkish Mafia down in London.
Roseanne:
My god
Garry:
(00:29:35) And then came back up here, started dealing loads of Heroin and then that's when I started hearing stories about Fife, that Sinky was on this and so and so was on this and I'd never experienced any of that from that and I wanted to come through in a big flash BM and I thought that's not me, like I didn't want to come back through to Kirkcaldy like look at me, I'm the big man.
Roseanne:
(00:29:53) As if you, look at me now, aye, that's right.
Garry:
I wanted to come back. I didn't ever
Roseanne:
You didn't forget your roots, put it that way, eh?
Garry:
No, nothing like that. That's why I'm sort of back through here to
(Gives Roseanne a hug)
(00:30:01) Roseanne:
Oh Garry. Oh god son. God bless you son, eh, what a shame. It's not a shame because everything's turned out brilliant.
(10:30:19) (Garry) As I left Roseanne she gave me a letter, a letter that she must've kept back after all these years. This is what it read.
(00:30:29)
"Dear Roseanne. Hi, how's things? Are you still in hospital? I had to cry myself to sleep last night. I will probably have to do the same tonight. That's how depressing it is and I'm being God's honestly truthful. I've cried every night and day since I've got back. I got told I'm not allowed to phone you or nothing. I swear to god I'm going to go mad in this shit hole. Sorry I never got you a Get Well Soon card. Well, if you're still in hospital you will be alright. Well, got to go. Love from Garry. P.S. I miss you very much and I love you and I will give you a tear".
(00:31:08) Portrait of Garry at Muirhouse Avenue North
(00:31:17) Garry's daughters' bedroom
Destiny and Billie (Garry's 2 daughters) in their bedroom
(00:31:26) Destiny singing
(00:31:33) I went to the Doctors last week, aye, last week and I was trying to tell them that I was struggling with the prescription that I'm on. I was saying to them that I was having a problem when it came to maybe using again because I'm making a film which has got a lot of emotional shit in it, blah, blah, blah, etc. and the Doctor's response to it was that they can get me back to CDPS by Monday, which would've been last Monday. So my plan is that I'm going to come off of these (holding box of pills), that's the plan, so by the time that yous watch this film I'll be drug free. By the time that I speak to the Doctor I'll be drug free, so it means they've got fuck all on me, but this is the bottom end of drug addiction.
(00:32.35) This is the, this is the grassroots of drug addiction. This is how they handle you. One for anxiety. Painkillers, when I'm not in pain, but they've got Opiates in them, so it numbs emotional pain. The only bastard about taking drugs that numb emotional pain is when you come off it's like that pain's ten-folded and you'll probably see that soon as well when I come off, when you see me lying on the bed.
(00:33:08) (B&W View from security camera onto street)
(00:33:13) The Government, in this country, is spending £28 million on Methadone to deal with Heroin addicts and that's what I call a successful dealer, but I think it's just a waste of money. It's a fucking disgrace. Methadone just keeps people like me trapped into the system.
(00:33:30) (Barber Shop)
(00:33:37) I never ever thought I would turn into a junkie (heroin addict). I didn't think that would happened to me, not on my path. At 16 years old when I came out the secure units I was so fit that I was even advised to join the Marines or the Army, but then I tried my first drug, Dihydrocodeine, DFs and my career into the drug world took off from there.
(00:34:04) (Dalry, street)
(00:34:18) Oh, this is fucking weird like, coming back up here. This is where I got my first flat after being in the Young Offenders. Done a lot of damage up here like. This is probably where my life changed. I used to be under surveillance from 2 of these top flats from the West End Bizzies when I used to deal my smack up here. I used to control all the Heroin at 1, 2, 3, 4, 4 streets, 5, 5 streets. I made so much money. Come on we'll try and go on my old stair and see what the fuck happens.
(00:35:05) (Enters building)
(00:35:09) I'll show you what I done to the back doors and this is why I never ever got any healthy sentences up here. See the lock on the door, all of these back greens have got certain locks on them that I took off, so when I ran out, when I got chased off the (polis) police and or I knew that the (polis) police were coming or I knew somebody was coming to my door or just say that I was wanting to go out stealing because a lot of the shit that we done was at night-time, so it's quite hard when you're, this is quite dark at night and all these back greens are really dark, so what I done was went out with a screwdriver and took the lock off of this door and about 8 other doors in the back greens so I could run out from here into this back square and then choose about 3 doors, go into one of them, be out another street and the (polis) police were always chasing their tail.
(00:36:01) (Back green of flats)
(00:36:13) Shit. Like even when I had a habit and that I was still trying to do stuff like got to College or try and do something for myself, not be a waster basically and then on the Easter break from College I took a bag of smack, I was sick all about the place. I think we all thought by burning Heroin it was different. It was a different feeling by burning Heroin what it was to injecting it and you couldn't get a habit if you burnt it and then the cunts in Trainspotting, they were from the 80's, they were all dafties, we're different and it's a lot cooler when you've got a bit of foil in your hand. ( 00:36:50) Obviously it wasn't, but it seemed like that at the time. It just seemed like that was a fashionable thing to do and every cunt was doing and I mean like fucking pure random. I used to come out and every cunt was sitting all here, like literally open my window, right who's wanting and you used to have like 4 here, 4 in there cause I wasn't letting cunts up to the house. (00:37:11) I became more violent. What I done, we just rattled this cunts knee about, I don't know, about 20 times, 30 times, with a ballpoint hammer and then when the guy tried to stand up and when he stood up his leg folded backwards, so it went like in on itself and me and Ronnie were like ew. So if we were like that you can just imagine what the fucking guy's scream was like and that just made me feel even more fucking invincible, that I was just going to keep managing to do what I was doing and there wasn't going to be any consequences for my actions.
(00:37:43) (Close stairwell)
(00:37:56) The last time that I was here, the last time that I was here was probably what you would call rock bottom. I think most alkies or most junkies and that say you've got to hit rock bottom first and I hit rock bottom with the crack. In hindsight looking back on it I pretty much say the reason that I never got caught is because the West End police were probably building up a big massive case on me, so if I'd kept on the path that I was going the Bizzies would've got me, but because I fucked up with the crack I just started taking the crack and then before I knew it I was spending like a grand a day on crack. (00:38:33) The person that I was when I was here just isn't inside me anymore. I don't ken (know) if I believe in god or that or not, but I know that if there is such a thing as god and there is a heaven or a hell, for the shit that I've done on this stair, definitely I'm going to hell.
(00:39:04) (Int Garry in house on a phone call)
(00:39:15) It's like you've rung a door bell and it's fucking stuck.
(00:39:30) I can just imagine an immigrant or something like that there (tapping finger).
Secretary:
Hi Garry
Garry:
Hiya
Secretary:
The results are here, but I can't really read them. Do you want to phone back maybe about half past 11 and I'll, you can speak to one of the Doctors and they'll go through it with you?
Garry:
Aye, that'd be brilliant. Thank you.
Secretary:
Okay?
Garry:
Yeah, thank you very much.
Secretary:
Okay
Garry:
Cheers, bye.
Secretary:
Bye
(00:40:00) (Destiny, Garry's child running through house shouting Daddy; and
(00:40:13) Garry's wife (Angela) putting Destiny to bed)
(00:40:39) (Garry and his wife sitting on couch looking through pictures)
Angela:
Do you remember this when Garry Jay was lying in his cot?
Garry:
When did you first know that you had fallen in love with me?
Angela:
I first heard about you in Dalry. You were the one that tortured people. You were the one that put somebody's head through a wall. I think the first time that I knew that we were in love was when I first took that pregnancy test and sadly, obviously we miscarried. I just remember lying up in my dad's for that long, just cuddling into you. You made me feel so safe and just so, it was hard for the both of us, but obviously everybody felt sorry for me and I felt sorry for you because nobody seemed to think it affected you. Do you know what I mean?
Garry:
(00:41:31) What was it like to see me getting stabbed?
Angela:
I tell you what, that was one of the most scariest moments of my life and I did always say to you when I first met you that I'm going to see you getting stabbed with your own blade and it happened and I knew it was going to happen one day and I remember going up the lift in Oxgangs and being absolutely petrified cause all I seen was blood everywhere.
(00:42:04) When I first met my wife, Angela, I didn't think I'd ever seen anything so beautiful in all my life. I proposed to her within the first week after taking her out on a date. Angela was definitely my first love. Without a doubt, the turning point for me was when Garry Jay, our first son, was born. I think that once I cut that cord I knew something, even back then, had to change. We now have 3 lovely bairns (children) and I love them all dearly. I know our life would be much better off if I could come off all the drugs and beat my addiction. I wish there was a magic way out, but in real life it doesn't work like that, this isn't a fucking fairy tale.
(00:42:48) (Outside house)
(00:42:54) I haven't taken any drugs. I want to come off, but withdrawing is hard as fuck and it's hitting me really hard. (Lying on couch shaking) This is my second night rattling. Two days without fuck all, I feel pure shit.(00:43:09) This is my second night rattling, 2 days without fuck all, I feel fucking shit, My nose is runny, diarrhoea's just coming out me. I can't even film it. I'm not even going to get anybody to film it because it's just fucking, it's too hard. I keep having panic attacks, like left, right and centre I'm having panic attacks.
(00:43:35) Oh. I just think to myself why the fuck have I chose to do this in the middle of a film, especially my first fucking film. Why did I chose to try and do this in the middle of my, why did I try and chose to do this in the middle of my first film. Every time before like I've ever rattled I've been in the jail or rattled somewhere else. Like rattling just means withdrawing. Every time I've done it I've done it, I don't know, maybe I've done the fucking wrong thing, especially trying to do it like this. Like I want my film to be good. I want my film to show people certain things. I want my story to show people certain things and you can't do it if you're having fucking panic attacks and in the morning I'm supposed to be out working or doing something. I'm supposed to be doing something to do with the film, to do with the story.
(00:44:25) I want to shoot this video diary. I really do want to shoot this video diary. I want to show people what it's like to come off Opiates, just on camera. I don't think I'm going to manage to do it. I really don't think I'm going to manage to do it.
(00:44:50) (Taking drugs)
(00:45:02) This is, I hate doing this shit like being on Valium or whatever, but I think if you've noticed one thing by now that ... just cut, I don't even (ken) what I'm doing.
(00:45:25) I feel ashamed for taking the smack. I feel dirty for taking the smack, for relapsing. Nobody will give me a harder time for relapsing than me. I don't know. Me being expressive in the way I am, it takes my mind off of having a habit. It takes my mind off of where I came from. It takes my mind off of my past. It takes my mind off of everything that's bad in my life because when you're me, you want to just do everything. (00:45:56) You want to taste everything. I want to go everywhere. I want, but you don't understand how you can't. It's like well, how can I not go to Spain, how can I not go to Berlin, how can I not do all that stuff and you've got to understand why you can't and it's like ambition and achievement is in me, but I just don't know where it's gone, do you know what I mean? When you're on the drugs that ambition and achievement is definitely suppressed, so you don't feel half as bad about being a failure.
(00:46:23) Garry's Portrait and Poem:
Lord forgive for not doing what I'm told
And please forgive lord for every bag I sold
And Forgive this poetry for being so bold
(00:46:35) Caption: Muirhouse Edinburgh
(00:47:17) This is the street where me and my sister used to play when we were younger. Those were the happiest days of our life before I was taking into care, now this silent feels deaf...
(00:48:06) Fuck the tears for dramatic effect
(00:48:28) This is the road that we used to fight and play at. It's where I got the scar on my head. I still don't know whether to believe half the stories that I've been told now.
(00:48:54) This was me, Garry, at 4 years old. My dad climbing up that drainpipe when he was drunk, trying to kidnap me. I don't know why my mum moved about so much. I don't know why I went from pillar to post. I was just about killed when my mum moved across this side. See to outsiders this doesn't mean much, but this is Pilton and where I come from is Muirhouse. I used to have to get chased along these streets to get into my house where my mum stayed with her boyfriend. Just as soon as I get closer to the flat though, the smells, the shouting, the feelings come back as if it just happened yesterday
(00:49:48) I can still hear my wee sister greeting as the belt hits her. I wasn't really bothered about the pain of the belt. Even at a young age I just couldn't understand why my mum just let him hit me. I'm not just talking about hit, I mean him whipping with a rubber diving belt. Now everything's different. I never ever thought I'd be back here like this. I've proved my mum wrong. I've proven them all wrong I've not got to spend a life in the jail. My mum doesn't want to take part in this film. That doesn't surprise me. I think Ella's always been scared to face the truth, but I need to go back to my dad and just find out why. Why did all this fucking happen? How did everything in my life become so fucked up?
(00:50:48) Caption: Midlothian
(00:51:14) I could come through here and I could just go straight into conflict with my old man and I could just say to him why did you hit me like I was a fucking man when I was just a child? Why did you do it, but that's pointless. That's not intelligence. That's just telling yous what happened. I actually want to show yous and to show yous what happened. I can't have that aggression and conflict there. It needs to be an observational point of view. When you're the person on the other end of that belt it's very hard to have an observational point of view, but let's see how good a filmmaker I am by having an impartial observational point of view. I don't know why I'm so scared. Nervous, don't know why I'm so nervous.
(00:52:16) (Going into father's house)
Dad:
Hey, you ugly bastard.
Garry:
(00:52:46) When you're looking back on your early life and stuff like that, how do you feel about it?
Dad:
I just wish I could turn the clock back.
Garry:
Do you?
Dad:
But whether, whether you would do the same again if you turned the clock back, it would be a different, saying you don't ken (know) if you would do the same carry on or not.
Garry:
Was there always a lot of fighting between you and mum, I can't really remember. I can just remember a couple of arguments?
Dad:
I think it was just more arguing all the time. Just through money, as usual.
Garry:
(00:53:09) Money, money, money.
Dad:
That's it.
Garry:
See temper, do you think temper's been a problem for you?
Dad:
Oh aye. I've not got it, I've not got a bad temper now, not compared to what it used to be like years ago.
Garry:
Do you think in your old age you've sort of just mellowed you out a bit?
Dad:
Aye
Garry:
Wiser?
Dad:
Aye
Garry:
I think I've inherited your temper. I've got it. Like, I just can't control it sometimes. It's like
Dad:
Aye, well I'm the same pal. I'm not bad now, not compared to what it used to be years ago.
Garry:
(00:53:34) When I first started running away and stuff like that, how did that make you feel, like when I first started running away?
Dad:
Ach, I just didn't ken (know) if I was coming or going. ... When you run away, you just went to the phone box and you phoned the polis (police) and the polis (police) come and got you and brought you home.
Garry:
Aye. Can you remember the time that my uncle Shaun and everybody was in the house?
Dad:
Aye
Garry:
I think that was like the last time that I was here before they took me away to foster carers, something like that.
Dad:
Yeah
Garry:
Do you remember that time?
Dad:
Aye cause when the polis (police) brought you back yon (that) night I was, I was going to hit you and the polis (police) said if you hit him we'll do you with assault.
Garry:
Aye well
Dad:
Just temper wise.
Garry:
(00:54:12) You had a healthy reputation for a fighter and that in the pubs and that as well.
Dad:
Aye
Garry:
Can you, I bet you can't remember half of your fights too, no?
Dad:
Och, half the times it was through stupidness, but I wouldn't, I would, I would bang them first before I, before I'd ask questions. I'd hit them and then I would ask questions after it. Not now. I'd rather have a pint of beer and walk away.
Garry:
Aye
Dad:
It's safer.
Garry:
(00:54:35) How did granddad discipline you?
Dad:
Just used to batter us.
Garry:
With his, like his hands or was it like a skelped arse or belt?
Dad:
Sometimes I got a skelped arse, sometimes we got, sometimes we got the belt. It depends how bad, how bad you've been.
Garry:
(00:54:47) Like I remember like you skelping my bum and stuff like that, but and with the belt.
Dad:
Aye
Garry:
See, do you think you just done exactly the way, obviously less, because it wasn't as sore as what obviously you got from granddad, but do you think it's like a generation thing, so you learned from your dad?
Dad:
That's it, aye, aye.
Garry:
Then you disciplined like that?
Dad:
That's it.
(00:55:16) (Garry and dad go outside)
Dad:
Shut that door.
(00:55:28)
Garry: So how does it feel, how did it feel when I first came back into your life now?
Dad:
It's good. It was good just to get back into a relationship again because it was like you think you were never going to get in contact again, eh? It made me feel a lot better as well. Ken (know), it wasn't, not telling any lies, I was quite happy when I got to ken (know) you again. I'd not seen you for that fucking long. Once we got back together it was fucking brilliant.
Garry:
I didn't ever think we would have a relationship again.
Dad:
Well, I was the same, same frame of mind as well, eh, but we got back together and that's the main.
(00:56:01) Garry:
I think it took me to become a man to realise what a man was
Dad:
That's it.
Garry:
and his frustrations and what
Dad:
Well, you realise what, what hassle you caused as well, eh?
(00:56:13) (Hugs dad)
Garry:
... right
Dad:
Right, no bother
Garry:
Cheers. Thank you.
Dad:
Right, no problem. Speak to you some time.
(00:56:22) (In car and then driving)
(00:56:46) I do want to move on in my life and completely leave my past behind me. Maybe this journey is going to help me
I need to knock on the doors of uncles and cousins that I have not seen for a while to see where Ella's stays
(00:57:11) I'm going to tray to find your sister Ella. You know where she is?
(uncle) I think she stays across the chippy
(00:57:340) Garry meets cousin.
Garry:
How are doing mate?
Cousin:
Good to see you
Garry:
come in..
Cousin:
How is it going?
Garry:
where can we go? Do you fancy a pint?
Cousin: Ay
Garry: ..
and speak about what was like growing up..
Cousin:
good to see you my man...
Go in here
(00:58:10) Garry and Cousin walking in the street
Cousin: That is my uncle Benny
Garry: here is my ancle
Cousin:
Who is in?
Garry:
How are you doing?
Uncle:
I'm not bad
Garry:
Uncle Benny, do you know where my mum stays?
Cousin:
Does she still stay near the bridge
Uncle:
I think so...
Garry:
Across from the Chippy my uncle John said...? ... uncle Benny see you later
(00:58:45) Inside pub
Cousin:
You got a story behind this you know what I mean? But your story mate is a fucky story.
Your story is a story from a young boy who went down hill, really down hill who in my eyes was never going to get back up again. You have done us fucking proud mate!
I'm absolutely proud mate
(00:59:15) Garry:
So what you think is the best way to approach Ella? Give me some advice...
You have been brought up with a loving family, in a good way with a loving family, a lovely home and a lovely mum and dad...and I have been brought up with I think a good dad but a mum who doesn't know how to be a mum, if you know what I mean...
Cousin:
I think if you put her on the spot and say to her do you think you could have done better? I think she would respond to that
Garry:
Ok I'll try, I'll try
(00:59:49: POV of Garry driving around the streets
(00:59:52) Garry
Up until I had my own son I wished Ella had had an abortion. I never felt loved my mum. I always felt by the big mistake. I think Ella hates me.
(01:00:10) Garry inside car:
Calm down man, it's only a fucking mum who had nothing to do with you and didn't give a fuck.
(01:00:27) Number 12 that is my mum's number there
(01:00:20) Garry enters him mum's home
(01:01:40) Garry leaves his mum's home and talks to her at the door.
(01:02: 20) Garry talking next to car"
She didn't really give a fuck if she sees me again or not, in her words. I've mad my bed so I'll lay on it basically, there was no love, there was no....I don't think she wants to see me...
And this is all like back being a child again, my mum said I never (...) over Heathers' ...pie, that my dad was a prick, that she was the one working her arse with two jobs, three nights a week and someone else had to look after us, someone capable to look after us and the reason that I was put back into care was because I was a wee bastard and they could not handle me any more; so if I'm getting this right, my mum couldn't handle me any more because I was a little bastard, my dad couldn't handle me anymore because I was a little bastard and I'm thinking ok no problem, no problem...
(01:03:33) They are talking about a laddie that is younger than Garry J; They are talking about someone who is younger than what my little laddie is now
(01:04:08) Garry's home . Garry getting film equipment ready
(01:04:26) (Telford College, Edinburgh)
(01:04:35) Without a doubt education saved my life. I've come back to the College, where I first learned how to use a camera, to speak to my ex-lecturer and what it was actually like having a student like me.
Garry:
How are you doing?
Fergus:
You alright?
Garry:
The chance that you gave me definitely saved my life or the, the opportunity that was presented. I remember going up to the old college
(01:04:59) Fergus:
I think, I think it was you that sort of did it really because, I mean, my instinct was, you know, that guy's like obviously on something and you know, there's no way, just looking at you that, that he's going to like be able to succeed in the media, cause you know what media people are like and so I'm like making an instant judgement there, but then you were so determined, yeah and you kept coming round and pushing me and pushing me, I thought what the hell, you know, give it a shot. (01:05:21) I said if you finish your NC, you know, I'll let you on the course.
(01:05:25) Garry:
But you were the first person to show me what I looked like on drugs. We done a mock interview and the mock interview we done, I was, I was on my normal prescription and we showed it back upstairs. You never showed it to anybody else. You just put it on and I remember how stoned I actually looked and I thought that I put myself across in such a presentable way. I came in with a suit and that on, I think. I came with my suit and that on and again, the mock interview, when I looked at it back, that was the first ever time that I'd seen this is what people see with Garry then and for me that was time to come off
Garry:
(01:06:00) That was one of they moments where it was like no, this is time to start really looking to getting clean now and coming off.
Fergus:
(01:06:07) The noticeable changes were, obviously coming off the drugs, are the, I mean I remember you trying to come off the Methadone once or twice and that was, that was a struggle. So seeing, seeing that and you were consciously aware that that was a problem for you and you were, you know working through it. You also used to mention Garry Jay a lot. You know, you used to say Garry Jay was a turning point in your life, yeah and so, and so as a family guy, you know, I mean I think that was driving you as well, I mean and you were driven.
Garry:
(01:06:37) For the writing now, I really do think there's a moral responsibility that I've got that the previous experience that I've got is all dripped in blood.
Fergus:
(01:08:48) Yeah, that's one of the things that always, that sort of blew me away when you'd written the, I can't remember which draft it was, you did do the draft, you did several drafts of the scripts of Tolerance. It wasn't called that then. What was it called?
Garry:
Grid
Fergus:
(01:07:05) Grid, aye and I said yeah, it's alright, it's good, but the, there's something wrong with the end, you know, the end's not really working. I mean, what you need is a, you know, an end that makes people go wow, you know, I've never seen that before and I said so, away you go and so you went away and you came back and I thought bloody hell, that's amazing, you know, where did that come from. You know, that thing about the ambulance guy standing outside the door and being scared to come in or not being allowed to come in. You know, I thought, you know, that never even occurred to me that that might happen and yet, it happens obviously.
(01:07:35) (Filming in the street with Wideo media group)
(01:07:44) Garry:
Any film director, they look for the realness in people...
(01:07:51)
Group: Happening boys....
come on then....
Bring your fucking blade ya fucking bam...
smash your face ....
Do him Mikey he's a wee fanny...
Put away that fucking blade you fucking cunt...
Andrew...!
What the fuck you done ya wee fanny! ....
Ya bunch of arsholes
Ya wee bastards...!
(01:08:28) Garry walking around Miurhouse with camera:
People like me wear their heart on their sleeves. Outspoken. Not afraid to speak about social issues that other people shy away from. Sometimes in life you've just got to nail your colours to the mast and that's what I've done when it's come to the filmmaking. I've decided not to be a criminal, not to be a drug dealer, help bairns (children) and nail my colours to the mast that this is what makes sense to me, being creative and experiencing different colours and how to use everything to your advantage
(01:09:21) (Shots of flats. Walking across football pitch and up to Doctor's surgery)
Garry:
This is the fourth time I've tried to get my results so I'm just going to go into the doctors', fuck it. We'll see eh.
(01:10:22) Sighs Negative, the result was negative.
(01:10:37) (Ext shots, Muirhouse)
(01:10:50) This is the area that taught me everything that I needed to know to survive on the streets. This is where all my family were. All my life I ran away in search of a family that wanted to love me but now I've got one of my own. I'm a proud father with two daughters and a son.
(01:11:05) (Int house with family)
(01:11:42) (Gipsy Brae beach)
(01:12:00) It's funny coming down here. I mean this is the last ever place that I was innocent. This is the place where I jumped about with my first ever crew or whatever, it's not even a crew, just fucking stupid bairns (children) and I think there's two of us left alive out of the five of us that were down here that day probably. (01:12:32 ) Maybe this whole fucking world just doesn't make sense to me and that's just the way it's supposed to be.
(01:12:48) I don't know what answers I was expecting, maybe I was just looking and hoping to get a sense of identity. Maybe that is the silver line at the end of the story. There is always hope
Making this film is all I know...and it's the only thing that keeps me out of trouble. And it makes my kids proud and it makes my family proud and I can take some pride in the fact I am who I am and I will continue my life in my very own Garry Fraser way.
END CREDITS