0001      00:03:36:00      00:03:38:11

I don't want to be who I have become.

 

0002      00:03:39:01      00:03:40:20

I want to be who I was.

 

0003      00:03:41:19      00:03:43:06

But who was I?

 

0004      00:03:48:24      00:03:53:20

VIGGO'S GHOSTS

 

0005      00:04:09:24      00:04:11:14

Look what I've got.

 

0006      00:04:20:06      00:04:25:08

I'm 54 now. When I was 18,

I left my family...

 

0007      00:04:25:11      00:04:27:21

...and went into crime.

 

0008      00:04:31:02      00:04:33:02

It was a life of stress.

 

0009      00:04:33:05      00:04:39:04

All I basically did was keep busy

so I didn't have time to stop and think.

 

0010      00:04:44:04      00:04:48:01

Not until I ended up in jail

did I start thinking about my life.

 

0011      00:04:48:07      00:04:54:21

Then I thought...

I've had a great life, you know.

 

0012      00:04:54:24      00:04:58:19

But the more I thought about it,

the clearer it became to me...

 

0013      00:04:58:22      00:05:01:15

...that I didn't have a great life at all, really.

 

0014      00:05:01:18      00:05:07:14

Lots of things in my life were great,

but there was a deep darkness around it.

 

0015      00:05:19:14      00:05:23:10

If I want to survive in this world

rather than the criminal world...

 

0016      00:05:23:13      00:05:26:06

...I'll have to find out who I am.

 

0017      00:05:26:09      00:05:30:21

The only way I can achieve this

is by delving into the past.

 

0018      00:06:05:02      00:06:08:03

You can't see me behind these blinds.

 

0019      00:06:08:08      00:06:15:20

But I can see everything by peeping

through these slats or behind them.

 

0020      00:06:15:23      00:06:20:00

If the dog goes like this, he blows my cover.

 

0021      00:06:22:04      00:06:26:01

I'm sure a number of people

will have discovered my new address.

 

0022      00:06:29:22      00:06:34:23

I walk around unarmed now, so there's

little I can do, should something happen.

 

0023      00:06:40:18      00:06:42:11

I just have to be careful.

 

0024      00:06:44:03      00:06:47:11

The good thing about this flat is

that is has more than one exit.

 

0025      00:06:47:14      00:06:52:05

So if I realize that someone

is watching my flat...

 

0026      00:06:52:08      00:06:56:02

...I use the exit at the back. Right?

 

0027      00:07:23:02      00:07:24:02

Loki.

 

0028      00:07:25:06      00:07:28:01

Oh, you're such a sly bastard.

 

0029      00:07:28:16      00:07:32:10

A funny old man talking to doggies,

how about that?

 

0030      00:07:36:05      00:07:40:11

I'm writing a book,

because my future lies in my past.

 

0031      00:07:50:13      00:07:52:23

So you start with your family.

 

0032      00:07:53:01      00:07:57:03

Like, what have I done so far

and how did it get to this?

 

0033      00:08:08:18      00:08:11:07

There's an evil streak in me.

 

0034      00:08:11:10      00:08:14:12

I've become a mean, nasty asshole.

 

0035      00:08:16:09      00:08:18:17

It's like I pretend I have feelings.

 

0036      00:08:19:16      00:08:22:12

I'm acting my feelings.

 

0037      00:08:24:08      00:08:26:13

Loki, come here.

 

0038      00:08:44:09      00:08:48:03

Hey, we've got a light here.

I'll come and turn it on.

 

0039      00:08:48:06      00:08:49:21

I can't see a thing.

 

0040      00:08:50:15      00:08:52:00

Kirsten: Sister

 

0041      00:08:52:03      00:08:54:15

I didn't even know this was here.

- My place is big.

 

0042      00:08:54:18      00:08:59:07

I've never seen this before.

It a real hiding place.

 

0043      00:08:59:10      00:09:00:20

Something like that.

 

0044      00:09:01:19      00:09:03:17

Look, here.

- I know this one.

 

0045      00:09:03:20      00:09:06:15

It's Penguin!

- With its moveable tail.

 

0046      00:09:06:18      00:09:08:05

How did you get this?

- Hi there!

 

0047      00:09:08:08      00:09:13:06

It was mine, remember?

- I can't believe you've still got it.

 

0048      00:09:13:09      00:09:16:12

It could honk too.

- The honk has gone.

 

0049      00:09:18:20      00:09:21:00

I didn't even know it was here.

 

0050      00:09:22:04      00:09:24:10

I recognized it at once.

- It's mine!

 

0051      00:09:24:13      00:09:27:16

I did always wish it was a little softer.

 

0052      00:09:27:19      00:09:34:13

I know Vonnie or Ellie used to fix it

and restuff it over and over again.

 

0053      00:09:34:16      00:09:36:21

And it was yours?

- Yes.

 

0054      00:09:41:00      00:09:42:22

No, that's it.

 

0055      00:09:43:00      00:09:45:20

Guns? Holsters?

- What kind of guns?

 

0056      00:09:45:23      00:09:48:08

Toy guns, of course.

 

0057      00:09:52:11      00:09:53:19

God!

 

0058      00:09:53:22      00:09:56:10

Oh look. You know this picture?

 

0059      00:09:56:13      00:09:59:14

My God, it's Mummy.

I haven't got one of these.

 

0060      00:10:00:21      00:10:04:17

It feels strange to look at her face.

- Does it?

 

0061      00:10:05:14      00:10:08:11

These are audio tapes.

- And home videos, I think.

 

0062      00:10:09:02      00:10:15:12

One of these tapes has Dad telling Tjeerd

and Bodil that Mummy has died.

 

0063      00:10:16:16      00:10:18:18

He recorded that kind of stuff.

 

0064      00:10:18:21      00:10:21:14

This is eerie stuff, you know.

 

0065      00:10:29:12      00:10:31:24

Little Man Hokkalé

 

0066      00:11:00:05      00:11:01:18

Our home was an island...

 

0067      00:11:01:21      00:11:06:06

...in the centre of the city. To enter, you

needed the king's permission: King Dad.

 

0068      00:11:06:09      00:11:09:17

Thije: Dad

 

0069      00:11:10:16      00:11:15:20

At first we had regular visits

from tourists and relatives.

 

0070      00:11:15:23      00:11:21:04

But as I got older, there were less and less

visitors, until there were none at all.

 

0071      00:11:32:19      00:11:35:23

Vonnie en Ellie are my stepsisters.

 

0072      00:11:36:01      00:11:40:06

He left their mother, his first wife,

to marry my Mum.

 

0073      00:11:41:09      00:11:43:12

My Mum had four children:

 

0074      00:11:44:00      00:11:48:10

Tjeerd, Kirsten, Viggo and Bodil.

 

0075      00:11:50:13      00:11:54:13

She died when I was just one year old.

 

0076      00:11:55:00      00:11:59:21

Vonnie and Ellie took on the mother role

and raised us.

 

0077      00:12:12:10      00:12:17:04

In<The Sound of Music>you can see

the children sitting like this too.

 

0078      00:12:18:07      00:12:23:18

I think I felt pretty good at this stage.

It's all about me, as you can see.

 

0079      00:12:26:08      00:12:28:19

It also brings back memories...

 

0080      00:12:30:23      00:12:33:07

...of having to have my own way.

 

0081      00:12:33:21      00:12:37:07

But I was pushed into that too.

It had to be that way.

 

0082      00:12:37:10      00:12:40:08

Pushed by whom?

- Mainly by my Dad.

 

0083      00:12:41:21      00:12:43:01

I mean...

 

0084      00:12:44:12      00:12:46:15

He always favoured my way.

 

0085      00:12:46:18      00:12:51:06

So then I started to impose my will

on the others.

 

0086      00:12:51:18      00:12:55:08

Now I can see that they

didn't have such a great time.

 

0087      00:12:56:03      00:12:58:19

They had no choice but to go along with it.

 

0088      00:13:54:00      00:13:55:00

Look at this.

 

0089      00:13:58:13      00:14:02:16

My Dad must be about 20, 21 here.

 

0090      00:14:03:10      00:14:05:14

I look a lot like him.

 

0091      00:14:07:19      00:14:11:24

Here he is, filming in the woods.

That's what he was like.

 

0092      00:14:12:02      00:14:14:21

He was always doing things.

 

0093      00:14:15:19      00:14:19:07

He did all kinds of stuff.

hiding in the woods with his...

 

0094      00:14:19:10      00:14:21:14

Ah, look.

 

0095      00:14:25:10      00:14:27:14

I always went with him.

 

0096      00:14:28:04      00:14:30:13

And we came home like this.

 

0097      00:14:30:16      00:14:33:06

I really like this picture.

 

0098      00:14:33:09      00:14:35:12

I mean, this is...

 

0099      00:14:35:15      00:14:42:02

This is not like your average household

with a couch and a TV and stuff.

 

0100      00:14:42:05      00:14:44:11

It's more like a castle.

 

0101      00:14:45:04      00:14:48:08

Here we're firing from the window

on New Year's Eve.

 

0102      00:14:51:16      00:14:55:03

Yeah, that was a lot of fun.

 

0103      00:15:13:15      00:15:15:17

This is a really nice gun.

 

0104      00:15:16:21      00:15:19:22

My Dad got it for his 50th birthday.

 

0105      00:15:20:23      00:15:22:20

It's the most recent one.

 

0106      00:15:24:20      00:15:27:20

We really did a lot of shooting with it.

 

0107      00:15:32:14      00:15:39:05

This is what our front room smelt like.

It had this smell.

 

0108      00:15:39:08      00:15:40:19

From all the guns.

 

0109      00:15:41:10      00:15:43:08

This smells so good.

 

0110      00:15:43:11      00:15:48:17

When I smell this, I'm 12, 13 years old again

and back in that room with all those guns.

 

0111      00:15:48:20      00:15:50:12

It was different.

 

0112      00:15:52:15      00:15:56:08

This set us apart

from all the other families.

 

0113      00:15:56:11      00:16:01:16

None of my friends had homes with

hunting rifles and guns on the walls.

 

0114      00:16:03:00      00:16:05:22

Or went hunting with their Dads.

 

0115      00:16:06:15      00:16:10:15

But when I think about it now...

 

0116      00:16:11:19      00:16:15:24

...it made us different,

but it also isolated us.

 

0117      00:16:16:02      00:16:18:21

This is what made him so powerful...

 

0118      00:16:18:24      00:16:22:03

...and so different and hence so credible...

 

0119      00:16:23:18      00:16:25:09

...you know.

 

0120      00:16:31:16      00:16:34:15

I later did the same thing with my own guns.

 

0121      00:16:35:06      00:16:39:10

I was the first one to own

a Browning Hi-Power, which was huge.

 

0122      00:16:40:10      00:16:43:16

If you're used to normal guns

and you see a Browning Hi-Power...

 

0123      00:16:43:19      00:16:46:24

...it's like moving from a Mini to a truck.

 

0124      00:16:47:02      00:16:52:13

A Browning Hi-Power is massive,

it's a 9 mm pistol, it's really impressive.

 

0125      00:16:52:16      00:16:55:06

It was my weapon.

 

0126      00:16:55:18      00:16:57:16

It was my preferred weapon.

 

0127      00:17:13:08      00:17:16:20

When I was released from prison

I felt lousy, I had nothing.

 

0128      00:17:16:23      00:17:20:21

A lot of people were after me, so

I had to organize something quickly.

 

0129      00:17:20:24      00:17:25:20

I had some people that were prepared

to act as drug mules, smuggling coke.

 

0130      00:17:25:23      00:17:29:01

It's a good way of making a fast buck.

You invest 2000 or 3000...

 

0131      00:17:29:04      00:17:32:20

...and you make 40.000,

and all you have to pay for is the trip.

 

0132      00:17:39:23      00:17:42:07

I wanted to get into bad ways again.

 

0133      00:17:43:11      00:17:45:23

But in the end I didn't.

 

0134      00:17:46:01      00:17:48:16

I chose to get a job instead.

 

0135      00:17:52:01      00:17:56:24

If you say you've got a criminal record

there's no way you're getting a job.

 

0136      00:17:57:02      00:17:58:22

So I just say no.

 

0137      00:17:59:13      00:18:02:01

If he makes way, I can pass him.

 

0138      00:18:02:04      00:18:05:18

As a port warden, I've got a boat

with a flashing blue light...

 

0139      00:18:05:21      00:18:09:24

...but if people knew about my record,

they'd faint on the spot.

 

0140      00:18:10:13      00:18:14:20

I've had the mayor in my boat

and aldermen and all kinds of bigwigs.

 

0141      00:18:14:23      00:18:19:14

Stopping boats with my flashing blue light

to check their navigation licences.

 

0142      00:18:19:17      00:18:21:21

The very thought gives me a hard-on.

 

0143      00:18:21:24      00:18:26:23

If they knew who they were dealing with,

they'd jump overboard in a flash.

 

0144      00:18:36:06      00:18:38:21

But I do miss my previous life.

 

0145      00:18:42:06      00:18:44:03

I miss the thrill of it.

 

0146      00:18:54:07      00:18:55:20

Hi, it's me.

 

0147      00:18:57:06      00:19:01:07

Can you turn on your Skype?

- I'm turning it on now.

 

0148      00:19:02:01      00:19:07:01

I'll Skype you in five minutes,

after I've plugged in the camera.

 

0149      00:19:07:24      00:19:11:15

All right, man.

- Talk to you in a minute.

 

0150      00:19:14:12      00:19:17:17

He used to be my bodyguard,

and my partner.

 

0151      00:19:18:07      00:19:20:06

How are you?

 

0152      00:19:21:03      00:19:24:18

I fell ill. I've got a chronic pancreatic infection

 

0153      00:19:24:21      00:19:29:08

There's no cure. I'll just have to live

like a little old man.

 

0154      00:19:29:11      00:19:30:14

Fuck it.

- It's shitty.

 

0155      00:19:30:17      00:19:34:20

I've been close to jumping off the roof

a couple of times.

 

0156      00:19:34:23      00:19:37:18

You have to come and

punch this neighbour guy for me.

 

0157      00:19:37:21      00:19:39:16

Neighbour?

- That jerk.

 

0158      00:19:39:19      00:19:42:17

Next time you're here, ring his bell.

 

0159      00:19:42:20      00:19:45:24

No problem.

- Just say hello to him.

 

0160      00:19:46:02      00:19:49:04

I don't want to meet him again.

- Is he causing trouble?

 

0161      00:19:49:07      00:19:51:14

No, I just don't want to meet him.

 

0162      00:19:51:17      00:19:57:08

So tell him to avoid me

if he sees me walking in the street.

 

0163      00:19:57:11      00:19:59:14

No problem, Viggo. Don't worry.

 

0164      00:19:59:17      00:20:02:21

All right. Talk to you later.

 

0165      00:20:02:24      00:20:06:20

Your health is all-important.

 

0166      00:20:36:04      00:20:38:14

Jesus! Are you...

 

0167      00:20:38:17      00:20:40:16

How are you?

- Poorly.

 

0168      00:20:45:17      00:20:47:10

Everything's hurting.

 

0169      00:20:49:00      00:20:50:13

Thank you.

 

0170      00:21:28:19      00:21:29:23

Hello?

 

0171      00:21:33:19      00:21:36:20

Hi, Von, how are you?

 

0172      00:21:39:10      00:21:43:05

I'm really glad you're in this home now.

 

0173      00:21:45:07      00:21:47:13

Von, if it hadn't been for you...

 

0174      00:21:48:08      00:21:52:16

...I would have jumped off the roof.

If you hadn't been there...

 

0175      00:21:53:16      00:21:56:10

...I really would've jumped off the roof.

 

0176      00:21:57:21      00:22:01:15

Vonnie: Sister

 

0177      00:22:01:21      00:22:04:21

Malnutrition?

Just when you were doing so well.

 

0178      00:22:04:24      00:22:07:23

I'd sent you a card, by the way.

 

0179      00:22:08:01      00:22:12:21

I thought I would send you a silly card

to see if that would work.

 

0180      00:22:12:24      00:22:18:05

You were going to come and have dinner

here, but I guess something came up again.

 

0181      00:22:19:11      00:22:21:00

I see.

 

0182      00:22:22:07      00:22:24:14

Yes, I understand.

 

0183      00:22:24:17      00:22:27:05

Have you got painkillers now?

 

0184      00:22:28:13      00:22:31:01

Did you talk to the doctor?

 

0185      00:22:32:05      00:22:35:07

But you will have regular checkups, right?

 

0186      00:22:35:10      00:22:38:21

Bye, honey.

 

0187      00:22:40:21      00:22:43:03

How about that.

 

0188      00:22:43:06      00:22:45:20

This is a nice picture of Viggo.

 

0189      00:22:45:23      00:22:49:20

You can see how much fun he's having here.

 

0190      00:22:49:23      00:22:54:19

Click-clack on the floor, he was

a "creepy crow", with his little legs.

 

0191      00:22:54:22      00:22:59:20

When he went to bed at night,

he had to wear leg irons.

 

0192      00:22:59:23      00:23:02:07

He'd be on his back all night...

 

0193      00:23:02:10      00:23:07:10

...as he couldn't move,

because this had to grow straight again.

 

0194      00:23:07:13      00:23:08:22

A sweet little man.

 

0195      00:23:15:07      00:23:16:23

I like this picture.

 

0196      00:23:20:11      00:23:25:04

When I think back to those days,

my God, it's unbelievable.

 

0197      00:23:26:12      00:23:28:04

Our Dad.

 

0198      00:23:30:24      00:23:36:00

He has his... This is a cross

from the Danish Resistance.

 

0199      00:24:18:14      00:24:21:17

It was always cold in our room

in the morning. Vonnie would shout:

 

0200      00:24:21:20      00:24:26:04

"Get up, guys. Bodil, hurry up, it's a quarter

to seven, time to lay the table."

 

0201      00:24:26:07      00:24:31:01

The sliding doors wouldn't open until we were

standing behind our chairs at the laid table.

 

0202      00:24:31:04      00:24:33:18

There were strict waiting rules:

 

0203      00:24:33:21      00:24:39:12

Stand straight as a die, look straight ahead,

hands on the back of the chair, no talking.

 

0204      00:24:39:15      00:24:42:16

After five minutes of waiting,

Dad would finally emerge.

 

0205      00:24:42:19      00:24:45:16

He would stand in front of the table

and look around.

 

0206      00:24:45:19      00:24:49:22

Slowly he'd sit down, put his hands

on the table, and look around again.

 

0207      00:24:50:00      00:24:52:24

Only then were we allowed to sit down.

 

0208      00:24:53:02      00:24:57:20

In<The Sound of Music>you see the same

thing: the kids standing behind their chairs.

 

0209      00:24:57:23      00:25:01:17

I've seen it.

That's why I make this comparison.

 

0210      00:25:01:20      00:25:04:18

I think they were acting out

<The Sound of Music.>

 

0211      00:25:04:21      00:25:10:13

With the guitars and all. Given the chance

Vonnie would've burst into song:

 

0212      00:25:10:16      00:25:15:07

"Do, a deer, a female deer", with all of us

standing behind our chairs. Believe me.

 

0213      00:25:41:17      00:25:44:04

We were a close-knit family.

 

0214      00:25:44:07      00:25:49:09

We used to go on camping holidays

together.

 

0215      00:25:56:07      00:26:01:09

Of course we had arguments too, but

when there was a feeling of togetherness...

 

0216      00:26:01:12      00:26:05:04

...you'd think: For the sake of peace

and a happy home.

 

0217      00:26:05:22      00:26:11:04

Right, Von? Just keep smiling and carry on.

 

0218      00:26:12:20      00:26:13:10

Right.

 

0219      00:26:33:00      00:26:37:00

Mummy was my mother, who died

when I was one year old.

 

0220      00:26:37:03      00:26:41:20

We've always been told that

on her deathbed Mummy asked Vonnie...

 

0221      00:26:42:07      00:26:47:15

...not to leave Dad and not to hand us over

to some stepmother.

 

0222      00:26:51:06      00:26:53:10

Vonnie was my Mum.

 

0223      00:26:53:13      00:26:56:22

She took care of me.

I loved Vonnie a lot.

 

0224      00:26:59:22      00:27:03:17

I always thought Vonnie was Dad's wife.

 

0225      00:27:07:12      00:27:12:03

When I was 12, I started to realize

what the situation was.

 

0226      00:27:12:06      00:27:15:14

That it was a little different

from what I'd thought.

 

0227      00:27:15:17      00:27:18:12

the little Sandman

 

0228      00:27:18:15      00:27:21:11

with the umbrella

 

0229      00:27:21:14      00:27:23:23

puts all the children sweetly

 

0230      00:27:24:01      00:27:27:15

in their little beds

 

0231      00:27:29:06      00:27:35:08

You always had the feeling that there

was a kind of myth in our household.

 

0232      00:27:35:11      00:27:41:00

No one mentioned it, but something

was not quite right in our family.

 

0233      00:27:42:19      00:27:48:13

I don't know if I should relate

how this feeling came about?

 

0234      00:27:48:16      00:27:50:07

Yes.

- Yes?

 

0235      00:27:58:15      00:28:03:00

At a certain age, as a girl, you have

a lot of admiration for your Dad.

 

0236      00:28:03:03      00:28:07:13

All the more so because he had

 a special position in Amsterdam.

 

0237      00:28:07:16      00:28:11:12

He was with the Domestic Forces

during the war.

 

0238      00:28:11:15      00:28:14:07

And after the war he was commander of...

 

0239      00:28:14:10      00:28:19:10

He was always present

at commemorations and things.

 

0240      00:28:19:13      00:28:21:03

But I'm digressing.

 

0241      00:28:21:06      00:28:27:15

As a girl, at a certain age you get

a lot of admiration for your Dad.

 

0242      00:28:27:18      00:28:31:13

Your Dad becomes more than your Dad

as it were.

 

0243      00:28:31:16      00:28:34:08

And then, well...

 

0244      00:28:34:11      00:28:40:13

It's a gradual thing.

It starts off with very small things.

 

0245      00:28:40:16      00:28:45:06

And at a certain point

we started having a relationship.

 

0246      00:28:45:09      00:28:48:20

How old were you when it started?

- Ten years old.

 

0247      00:28:48:23      00:28:50:24

I'm sorry?

- Ten.

 

0248      00:28:52:09      00:28:54:22

It was a big secret, at the time.

 

0249      00:29:22:14      00:29:26:15

There's so much going through your mind.

It was your Dad.

 

0250      00:29:26:18      00:29:32:22

You were thinking: Maybe it's supposed to be

like this. You mind gets all confused.

 

0251      00:30:04:23      00:30:09:22

Then when I found out it was my sister,

things changed again.

 

0252      00:30:15:02      00:30:18:10

My Dad was just a mean, nasty asshole.

 

0253      00:30:20:11      00:30:24:17

He never did anything about it.

Or he just didn't care.

 

0254      00:30:30:04      00:30:32:22

Ruining the lives of all your children.

 

0255      00:30:33:00      00:30:37:19

Too much concerned with Vonnie and his

own willie to see what it was doing to us.

 

0256      00:30:39:03      00:30:42:17

It was a game the whole family

ended up playing along with.

 

0257      00:30:47:04      00:30:52:18

To him it was just normal.

He had no problems with it.

 

0258      00:30:52:21      00:30:56:00

You believe things, you start believing things.

 

0259      00:30:58:01      00:31:00:21

You accept things. It's your Dad, after all.

 

0260      00:31:01:23      00:31:03:08

Right?

 

0261      00:31:04:15      00:31:07:20

All right. This is what I mean.

 

0262      00:31:08:22      00:31:13:00

Von is going to paint her lips.

For all to see.

 

0263      00:31:14:03      00:31:17:16

Jesus, such an old bag!

I can't believe it.

 

0264      00:31:59:17      00:32:01:10

You know, I...

 

0265      00:32:02:17      00:32:04:23

Sexual abuse...

 

0266      00:32:05:01      00:32:08:09

I can't remember all the things

this woman says.

 

0267      00:32:10:21      00:32:13:12

They're such long, intense talks.

 

0268      00:32:17:02      00:32:19:20

Wait, turn it off for a minute.

 

0269      00:32:19:23      00:32:23:22

I'm talking rubbish now.

Let's have a break.

 

0270      00:32:38:07      00:32:40:01

Good boy.

 

0271      00:32:41:04      00:32:44:03

Good boy. You like that, don't you.

 

0272      00:32:45:04      00:32:48:00

That's it. Go get them.

 

0273      00:32:48:03      00:32:51:23

Go get them.

We'll go get them, right?

 

0274      00:32:52:01      00:32:55:10

All right, that's enough now.

 

0275      00:32:55:23      00:32:57:19

Enough.

 

0276      00:32:59:06      00:33:00:01

Good boy.

 

0277      00:33:01:15      00:33:04:12

Come on, down you go.

 

0278      00:33:05:13      00:33:09:15

Give it to me. Give me the ball.

 

0279      00:33:09:18      00:33:11:20

Go get the ball!

 

0280      00:33:15:01      00:33:16:13

Good boy.

 

0281      00:33:18:06      00:33:20:13

Come. And again.

 

0282      00:33:29:08      00:33:33:03

Tjeerd. I used to be

scared to death of Tjeerd.

 

0283      00:33:33:06      00:33:36:15

Until I was ten.

He used to beat me up in the daytime.

 

0284      00:33:38:17      00:33:42:09

But at night when he came to our room

to play these games...

 

0285      00:33:42:12      00:33:47:21

...he was very sweet and I felt proud

that he was so sweet to me.

 

0286      00:33:48:00      00:33:51:00

But I felt terribly confused because of it.

 

0287      00:33:51:03      00:33:55:06

He'd do all kinds of things to me,

suck on it and things.

 

0288      00:33:55:24      00:33:59:15

But I was so proud and happy

that he'd chosen me...

 

0289      00:33:59:18      00:34:02:21

...that I didn't really mind

when it was happening.

 

0290      00:34:02:24      00:34:06:15

I wasn't like: He's going

to do dirty things to me again.

 

0291      00:34:08:22      00:34:15:02

Those things have caused me

a lot of damage and hurt and misery.

 

0292      00:34:19:21      00:34:26:00

I can't stand people being all sweet

and lovey-dovey to me.

 

0293      00:34:26:03      00:34:28:22

It makes my skin crawl.

 

0294      00:34:29:21      00:34:31:11

I still can't stand it.

 

0295      00:34:31:14      00:34:34:08

I can do a woman, but she can't...

 

0296      00:34:34:11      00:34:37:21

If someone, anyone...

 

0297      00:34:40:23      00:34:45:05

...were to fondle my ear or something.

I know what it feels like.

 

0298      00:34:45:16      00:34:46:23

No.

 

0299      00:34:48:02      00:34:50:02

I still can't bear it.

 

0300      00:35:11:22      00:35:13:16

Water?

- Thanks.

 

0301      00:35:13:19      00:35:16:14

It's really bad. It's all come back.

 

0302      00:35:16:17      00:35:19:06

What has?

- The fever and everything.

 

0303      00:35:19:09      00:35:20:23

Why is that?

- Don't know.

 

0304      00:35:21:01      00:35:24:20

Yesterday I was fine, wasn't I?

- Absolutely.

 

0305      00:35:25:17      00:35:27:14

Can I sit on this?

 

0306      00:35:29:22      00:35:32:00

I'm shaking.

- What did you eat yesterday?

 

0307      00:35:32:03      00:35:35:05

I was with you.

- What did you eat before you came to me?

 

0308      00:35:35:08      00:35:37:15

Nothing.

- Nothing? The whole day?

 

0309      00:35:37:18      00:35:40:12

A breakfast yoghurt drink.

 

0310      00:35:41:05      00:35:46:13

So during the day you hardly

had anything at all...

 

0311      00:35:46:16      00:35:48:16

...then at my place you filled up.

 

0312      00:35:48:19      00:35:51:03

That's not smart.

- I didn't fill up.

 

0313      00:36:27:03      00:36:32:20

I liked it when Tjeerd lifted me from my cot

and gave me a role in the adventure.

 

0314      00:36:32:23      00:36:36:00

I accepted it as normal

that I was soon naked...

 

0315      00:36:36:03      00:36:40:12

...and that my little willie got

an ever bigger part in the play.

 

0316      00:36:41:02      00:36:44:15

Kirsten was also naked and had to watch

from a distance how Tjeerd...

 

0317      00:36:44:18      00:36:48:20

...in his role as Master Hypo

was engaged with my willie.

 

0318      00:36:48:23      00:36:52:12

Master Hypo had to teach me

how you got the feeling.

 

0319      00:36:52:15      00:36:56:03

You got it if Master Hypo

sucked on my willie long enough...

 

0320      00:36:56:06      00:36:58:13

...and I tensed up my whole body.

 

0321      00:36:59:05      00:37:02:09

Kirsten had nothing you could suck on

or make hard.

 

0322      00:37:02:12      00:37:05:03

Obviously the feeling wasn't for girls.

 

0323      00:37:05:06      00:37:09:03

Then Tjeerd turned me towards Kirsten,

so she had no choice but to watch...

 

0324      00:37:09:06      00:37:14:20

...gave me a final massage and said: "Better

luck next time, little man. Now go to bed."

 

0325      00:37:14:23      00:37:20:13

Very sweetly Tjeerd tucked me in and said:

"Don't tell anyone. No one must know."

 

0326      00:37:22:05      00:37:23:15

Fuck, man.

 

0327      00:37:45:04      00:37:50:05

As I remember it, the abuse went on

until I was about 12, 13.

 

0328      00:37:54:17      00:38:00:13

I couldn't guard my limits, as my brother was

overstepping them. My physical limits too.

 

0329      00:38:00:16      00:38:03:04

So I didn't matter.

 

0330      00:38:07:16      00:38:11:08

It's such an undermining

of your foundations...

 

0331      00:38:11:11      00:38:16:18

...that you have to find all kinds of

survival techniques and strategies.

 

0332      00:38:23:23      00:38:28:18

I think I was, like, anaesthetized

for the first 40 years of my life.

 

0333      00:38:28:21      00:38:32:17

I didn't want to feel my own pain.

 

0334      00:38:36:21      00:38:43:16

And it was only through my training as a

psychotherapist that I "healed" myself.

 

0335      00:38:45:23      00:38:48:22

Viggo has lead a completely different life.

 

0336      00:38:49:00      00:38:51:17

But we were both damaged.

 

0337      00:38:53:06      00:38:57:17

He's coming out of his own stupor,

you could say.

 

0338      00:39:25:08      00:39:31:19

When I got older, Tjeerd started doing it

to my friends and using me to catch them.

 

0339      00:39:31:22      00:39:36:24

If I supplied him with my little friends,

he would leave me in peace.

 

0340      00:39:38:21      00:39:43:12

He was great, he could do anything,

but on the other hand there were secrets.

 

0341      00:39:44:15      00:39:47:10

I'm finding out now

that it's always like that with me.

 

0342      00:39:47:13      00:39:51:21

You've got a great Dad,

but then again he's not so great.

 

0343      00:39:51:24      00:39:54:01

You've got a great brother,

but then again he's not so great.

 

0344      00:39:54:04      00:39:56:07

A great sister, but she's also...

 

0345      00:39:56:10      00:40:01:02

There's always a great side

and a not so great side.

 

0346      00:40:01:05      00:40:03:09

It's a difficult balancing act.

 

0347      00:40:22:13      00:40:24:16

I blame Tjeerd for certain things...

 

0348      00:40:24:19      00:40:29:16

...and I don't blame him for other things,

being beaten up by Dad as he was.

 

0349      00:40:36:15      00:40:41:02

Hi, it's Fajra.

- Hello. Can you hear me?

 

0350      00:40:41:05      00:40:45:06

Hello, it's Fajra.

- Hi, I need another painkiller.

 

0351      00:40:45:09      00:40:49:02

I need another pill.

Will you come and bring me one?

 

0352      00:40:50:23      00:40:53:04

What kind of pill?

- A painkiller.

 

0353      00:40:53:07      00:40:56:09

A painkiller?

-Yes, OxyNorm.

 

0354      00:40:56:12      00:40:58:19

And who is this?

- It's Kok.

 

0355      00:40:58:22      00:41:02:04

Okay, someone will be bringing you one

in a minute.

 

0356      00:41:02:07      00:41:04:12

Thanks.

 

0357      00:41:05:02      00:41:07:10

Come in. There's someone at the door.

 

0358      00:41:23:14      00:41:24:23

Dammit!

 

0359      00:41:27:17      00:41:29:12

But it's going really well.

 

0360      00:41:31:03      00:41:35:19

You know. And I have to say,

I really like this morphine.

 

0361      00:41:35:22      00:41:40:08

It's inspirational. Sometimes I feel no pain

but I still take two tablets...

 

0362      00:41:40:11      00:41:44:06

...and start writing poetry.

It's a great feeling.

 

0363      00:41:44:09      00:41:48:12

It's wonderful stuff. You don't need

to smoke dope or anything.

 

0364      00:41:48:15      00:41:51:08

I'm getting free drugs.

 

0365      00:41:52:00      00:41:56:00

Are you hooked?

- No, if I don't want it, I don't take it.

 

0366      00:41:56:03      00:42:00:24

But sometimes when I feel like drawing

or writing poetry...

 

0367      00:42:01:02      00:42:03:18

...I'll call them and get some morphine...

 

0368      00:42:03:21      00:42:07:14

...because it will give me inspiration.

 

0369      00:42:09:21      00:42:14:01

I took a tablet today because I knew

you guys would be coming.

 

0370      00:42:14:04      00:42:17:18

It just makes me feel better.

 

0371      00:42:37:12      00:42:40:13

I've decided to take up a study.

 

0372      00:42:40:16      00:42:45:12

I'm going to impress people

with my knowledge and experience...

 

0373      00:42:45:15      00:42:48:06

...instead of my gun and my cash.

 

0374      00:42:48:09      00:42:51:14

The idea is to become a psychotherapist.

 

0375      00:42:51:17      00:42:54:03

I'm going to study psychotherapy.

 

0376      00:42:54:06      00:42:56:11

I was a junkie, I was sexually abused.

 

0377      00:42:56:14      00:43:00:00

I'm learning to live on my own

with a chronic disease.

 

0378      00:43:00:03      00:43:04:01

Others have to learn that stuff from books,

but I've been through it.

 

0379      00:43:04:04      00:43:06:07

That's the advantage I have.

 

0380      00:43:06:10      00:43:11:02

I've had talks about taking up this study.

It means...

 

0381      00:43:12:22      00:43:18:11

...starting a new life, and I think it's important

to have a new look to go with it.

 

0382      00:43:42:23      00:43:45:17

So I've stopped smoking roll-ups.

 

0383      00:43:46:10      00:43:48:05

I'm going back...

 

0384      00:43:52:10      00:43:54:05

...to smoking my pipe.

 

0385      00:43:55:03      00:43:58:01

So this is the new Vig, psychotherapist.

 

0386      00:43:59:23      00:44:04:18

If it works out.

At least this idea will help me...

 

0387      00:44:04:21      00:44:11:16

...to enter the next phase,

of being an older person.

 

0388      00:44:13:08      00:44:15:20

I want to shed all of this.

 

0389      00:44:15:23      00:44:20:02

I'll have to burn the leather jacket

and the sneakers too.

 

0390      00:44:20:05      00:44:25:06

There should be no reminders

of this post-jail period.

 

0391      00:44:25:09      00:44:28:14

I'm making a fresh start.

 

0392      00:44:29:08      00:44:32:18

That requires a fresh person,

and here he is.

 

0393      00:44:44:20      00:44:48:07

And it tastes better,

as you don't inhale the smoke.

 

0394      00:44:48:10      00:44:51:07

And you've got something in your hand

to point with.

 

0395      00:44:51:10      00:44:54:14

Like: "We'll have to have a good talk

about this, son."

 

0396      00:44:54:17      00:44:57:04

"There's room for improvement here."

 

0397      00:44:57:20      00:44:59:11

Or: "Come here for a minute".

 

0398      00:44:59:14      00:45:02:05

It looks different with a roll-up.

 

0399      00:45:02:20      00:45:06:10

"I understand your problems.

Spit it all out."

 

0400      00:45:07:07      00:45:12:12

It has a different feel.

The pipe makes it work.

 

0401      00:45:13:12      00:45:15:08

You know what I mean?

 

0402      00:45:15:11      00:45:19:16

It makes me feel like dancing.

I'm really up for it.

 

0403      00:45:19:19      00:45:24:03

The pain has gone

and I'm ready for the future.

 

0404      00:46:00:14      00:46:05:12

Dad used to say: Keep your virginity

until you are married.

 

0405      00:46:06:04      00:46:08:24

It was a sacred thing.

 

0406      00:46:10:09      00:46:13:00

And this is the tangle of my life.

 

0407      00:46:13:03      00:46:18:24

Because one day Daddy robbed me

of my virginity. In front of Mummy. Yes.

 

0408      00:46:19:13      00:46:26:05

So I said: What do I do when I'm older

and I get a husband of my own?

 

0409      00:46:26:08      00:46:29:14

"Just tell him you had remedial gymnastics."

 

0410      00:46:29:17      00:46:32:02

That's just wrong.

 

0411      00:46:32:05      00:46:34:23

It leaves you with a deep sadness.

 

0412      00:46:35:01      00:46:39:09

Because something happened to you

that you didn't agree with. Right?

 

0413      00:46:41:03      00:46:43:03

It still beats me.

 

0414      00:46:43:06      00:46:47:09

But it was tralala, long live peace

and a happy home.

 

0415      00:46:47:12      00:46:52:23

Of course there were moments when I

thought: I'm running away, I don't want this.

 

0416      00:46:55:06      00:47:01:05

Then you see your little brother, just come

back from hospital, his legs in plaster casts.

 

0417      00:47:01:08      00:47:06:11

You'd have to be heartless to say:

"Sort it out yourself, Dad, with your kids."

 

0418      00:47:06:14      00:47:08:01

You just don't do that.

 

0419      00:47:22:13      00:47:24:05

You grow up.

 

0420      00:47:24:23      00:47:28:21

Then something more

developed between us.

 

0421      00:47:32:04      00:47:36:17

Then, besides that which I don't agree with...

 

0422      00:47:36:20      00:47:41:12

...there was this feeling of:

But he is my Dad, after all.

 

0423      00:47:41:15      00:47:44:03

But not your husband.

- Not my husband.

 

0424      00:47:44:03      00:47:47:21

And another thing: In terms of sex,

Dad wasn't selfish.

 

0425      00:47:47:24      00:47:51:14

Simply put. He certainly wasn't.

 

0426      00:47:51:17      00:47:57:07

And he didn't go whoring

or whatever people thought or said.

 

0427      00:47:57:10      00:47:59:16

Women threw themselves at him.

 

0428      00:48:00:16      00:48:02:21

It's working.

 

0429      00:48:02:24      00:48:08:23

These are Dad's diaries,

which I've looked at before.

 

0430      00:48:09:17      00:48:14:16

And this is his...revolver.

 

0431      00:48:14:19      00:48:19:03

Which he used during the war as a...

 

0432      00:48:20:10      00:48:22:12

...as a Resistance fighter.

 

0433      00:48:22:15      00:48:25:21

I had the bullets to go with this.

 

0434      00:48:25:24      00:48:30:18

Dad used this a lot during the war,

as he was with the armed Resistance.

 

0435      00:48:40:14      00:48:44:11

This is the NIOD War and Holocaust Institute.

- I have a question.

 

0436      00:48:44:16      00:48:49:05

I'm trying to find out more

about my parents' war records.

 

0437      00:48:49:08      00:48:53:06

Those are two detectives...

- What is your question, sir?

 

0438      00:48:53:09      00:48:57:17

I'd like to know what I should do

and where I should go...

 

0439      00:48:57:20      00:49:01:03

...to ask for those files.

 

0440      00:49:03:05      00:49:05:18

It seems there are files...

- What kind of files?

 

0441      00:49:05:21      00:49:12:10

Files put together by the 1940-1945

Foundation and the National Archives.

 

0442      00:49:12:13      00:49:15:12

And by the police, probably.

 

0443      00:49:15:15      00:49:20:15

Files containing information

about my parents' war records.

 

0444      00:49:20:18      00:49:24:03

I think you're talking about

special procedures.

 

0445      00:49:24:06      00:49:28:04

Those are judicial documents.

They are in the National Archives.

 

0446      00:49:28:07      00:49:34:13

If you call them, they will send you

a special form for you to fill out.

 

0447      00:49:34:16      00:49:40:00

You have to be able to motivate clearly

why you would like to see those papers.

 

0448      00:49:57:06      00:49:58:03

And it works!

 

0449      00:50:01:04      00:50:03:07

I've never seen this before.

 

0450      00:50:03:10      00:50:07:20

This is the 1940-1945 Foundation's report

on my Dad.

 

0451      00:50:15:03      00:50:16:13

What?!

 

0452      00:50:20:04      00:50:22:21

"Based on the information known to us..."

 

0453      00:50:22:24      00:50:27:24

"...the Amsterdam regional board

upholds its October 6, 1981, decision:"

 

0454      00:50:28:02      00:50:31:12

"Applicant did not take part

in the Resistance..."

 

0455      00:50:31:15      00:50:35:19

"..and has acted unworthily

in Dutch patriotic terms."

 

0456      00:50:40:06      00:50:42:14

How about that!

 

0457      00:50:46:19      00:50:49:08

There was a lot wrong with my Dad...

 

0458      00:50:49:11      00:50:55:00

...but he made up for it

by being a Resistance hero...

 

0459      00:50:55:03      00:50:57:11

...a hunter, a special kind of man.

 

0460      00:50:57:14      00:51:01:03

He had these great stories

about the war and the Resistance.

 

0461      00:51:05:07      00:51:07:16

What do you think of the man now?

 

0462      00:51:08:22      00:51:12:11

Well, I can understand him in many ways.

 

0463      00:51:12:14      00:51:16:15

Except... I can understand

many things he did.

 

0464      00:51:16:18      00:51:20:00

Except for two things:

Lying about his Resistance record...

 

0465      00:51:20:03      00:51:24:19

...and spending his whole life

chasing my sister.

 

0466      00:51:25:12      00:51:30:06

Apart from those two things,

I can understand a lot.

 

0467      00:51:30:09      00:51:35:15

I'm a lot like him, so I can understand

many of his decisions.

 

0468      00:51:35:18      00:51:40:01

But I never understood why

he had to be involved with my sister.

 

0469      00:51:45:20      00:51:49:21

I think it would be very sad for Vonnie

to read about this.

 

0470      00:51:49:24      00:51:54:18

I don't know. Should she hear this?

It would just add to the weight.

 

0471      00:51:59:21      00:52:03:12

No, wrong lyrics.

Definitely wrong.

 

0472      00:52:25:02      00:52:26:20

Come on, sing.

 

0473      00:52:36:00      00:52:38:14

That's Vonnie, who keeps starting over.

 

0474      00:52:43:23      00:52:45:18

What did he just say?

 

0475      00:52:46:16      00:52:50:10

"I don't know the words and

I'm too busy with the kids here."

 

0476      00:52:52:07      00:52:55:04

At the start I heard a dark voice.

That was Mummy.

 

0477      00:52:55:07      00:52:57:03

I think you're right.

 

0478      00:52:57:06      00:53:03:21

The first time we listened, someone started

to sing very loudly. That was her.

 

0479      00:53:03:24      00:53:07:02

If this was 1959, she must

have been quite ill already.

 

0480      00:53:07:05      00:53:10:02

She was to die within a year.

- That's right.

 

0481      00:53:10:05      00:53:13:23

Maybe she was so ill here that she...

- Didn't do much.

 

0482      00:53:20:13      00:53:25:04

Daddy has to tell you something now

which is very difficult for Daddy.

 

0483      00:53:25:07      00:53:26:22

Do you understand?

 

0484      00:53:27:00      00:53:29:13

It makes Daddy very sad.

 

0485      00:53:30:04      00:53:33:15

You have seen that Mummy

was in a lot of pain.

 

0486      00:53:33:18      00:53:35:23

That pain has stopped now.

 

0487      00:53:37:02      00:53:43:08

You know, Tjeerd, Mummy has now

gone to sleep forever.

 

0488      00:53:46:22      00:53:49:20

She's in such a deep sleep that she...

 

0489      00:53:52:24      00:53:55:04

...will never come back to us.

 

0490      00:53:56:18      00:53:58:08

She can't.

 

0491      00:53:58:22      00:54:00:15

Is she dead?

 

0492      00:54:02:05      00:54:03:05

Yes.

 

0493      00:54:04:21      00:54:07:17

Now Daddy has a reason to ask you...

 

0494      00:54:07:20      00:54:13:17

...and Mummy has asked this too,

to help Daddy as well as you can.

 

0495      00:54:15:04      00:54:17:15

Do you understand, children?

- Yes.

 

0496      00:54:19:04      00:54:23:16

Ute and Viggo are a little too young

to understand.

 

0497      00:54:24:09      00:54:26:02

So I can't tell them yet.

 

0498      00:54:27:05      00:54:30:23

But you're a man, and us men

have more strength to face these things.

 

0499      00:54:31:01      00:54:35:05

But because you're a man,

you have to help me to support the others.

 

0500      00:54:35:08      00:54:37:07

Will you do that, my boy?

 

0501      00:54:39:17      00:54:41:07

Daddy's going now.

 

0502      00:54:55:01      00:54:57:23

Did you hear that?

- I'd do the same thing.

 

0503      00:54:58:01      00:55:02:06

Yeah? I wouldn't.

- What did he do wrong?

 

0504      00:55:02:09      00:55:06:06

I'm not saying it's wrong,

but he's asking a lot of Tjeerd.

 

0505      00:55:06:09      00:55:09:21

Tjeerd has to help him and be a man.

The boy's only 12.

 

0506      00:55:09:24      00:55:12:17

He has to help his sister, brother,

and baby brother.

 

0507      00:55:12:20      00:55:15:23

That way you take him out of his...

 

0508      00:55:16:01      00:55:20:05

I'd do it the same way:

"We're going to face this together."

 

0509      00:55:20:08      00:55:24:04

You're entitled to your view,

but I'm hearing other things.

 

0510      00:55:25:02      00:55:29:17

I don't hear anything wrong. I hear a

distressed father and his distressed son.

 

0511      00:55:29:20      00:55:34:24

Of course.

- No overtones, no hate, no...

 

0512      00:55:35:02      00:55:39:06

I didn't say that. Don't start

putting words into my mouth.

 

0513      00:55:39:09      00:55:44:07

I'm just saying something.

I'm not putting words into your mouth.

 

0514      00:55:44:10      00:55:45:24

Yes, you are.

 

0515      00:55:50:07      00:55:57:01

I just can't square this with the fact

that he abused that boy the way he did.

 

0516      00:55:57:04      00:55:59:22

It's such a huge contrast.

 

0517      00:56:00:00      00:56:04:09

But I've always told myself...

 

0518      00:56:04:12      00:56:10:18

...that our Dad was a very sweet man,

but very weak in character.

 

0519      00:56:11:09      00:56:12:12

Yes.

 

0520      00:56:14:04      00:56:17:13

Okay, but... Well, yes.

 

0521      00:56:18:14      00:56:20:22

And very aggressive in his weakness.

 

0522      00:56:21:00      00:56:25:17

Very aggressive in his impotence.

 

0523      00:56:27:18      00:56:32:01

This just doesn't make sense,

nor does the other story.

 

0524      00:56:33:09      00:56:36:12

After she died, the boy became

more and more of a nuisance.

 

0525      00:56:36:15      00:56:42:13

I think I might've laid into him too every day.

It happens to other people too.

 

0526      00:56:42:16      00:56:48:00

And you'd abuse your daughters too?

 

0527      00:56:48:03      00:56:52:13

And you'd drink yourself silly every day too?

 

0528      00:56:52:16      00:56:55:14

I mean, what are you talking about?

 

0529      00:56:55:21      00:56:58:17

I'm trying to...

- To defend him?

 

0530      00:56:58:20      00:57:00:12

To see his point of view.

 

0531      00:57:00:15      00:57:03:23

You can tell a three-year-old

bad news in this way.

 

0532      00:57:04:01      00:57:09:09

But you can also choose not to tell her

as you've already told six other children...

 

0533      00:57:09:12      00:57:13:19

...and you don't want to have to explain death

to another crying child.

 

0534      00:57:13:22      00:57:16:06

Let's leave it.

- I can understand it.

 

0535      00:57:16:09      00:57:20:01

I really don't want to go into this any further.

 

0536      00:57:20:04      00:57:24:02

You only want to hear the bad things?

- That's not what I mean.

 

0537      00:57:24:05      00:57:25:21

You're just trying to...

 

0538      00:57:25:24      00:57:30:12

I'm trying to see his point of view.

- That's not what you're doing.

 

0539      00:57:30:15      00:57:34:03

You're trying to put me in some corner.

- Nonsense.

 

0540      00:57:34:06      00:57:39:19

I just can't understand it. But it hurts me too.

You're not the only one who lost his mother.

 

0541      00:57:39:22      00:57:43:05

Jesus, here we go again.

Do you want to matter or something?

 

0542      00:57:44:08      00:57:49:00

Yes, maybe I want to matter for a change.

- Maybe you should start working on that.

 

0543      00:57:55:13      00:57:58:06

Yes, you can always walk away.

 

0544      00:57:58:09      00:58:00:12

I don't need this shit.

 

0545      00:58:02:14      00:58:05:03

I'm going to walk the dog and have a smoke.

 

0546      00:58:25:17      00:58:27:16

Such a prick.

 

0547      00:58:36:04      00:58:39:15

I'm realizing now that my past

has caught up with me.

 

0548      00:58:39:18      00:58:43:22

I've been thrown back to the way we were:

none of us communicates.

 

0549      00:58:44:19      00:58:47:09

"Things you don't discuss, don't exist."

 

0550      00:58:49:00      00:58:51:01

I won't go along!

 

0551      00:58:51:04      00:58:54:15

I won't. I discuss things.

 

0552      00:58:54:18      00:59:00:07

But I need people to discuss things with.

I can't talk to people that are not here.

 

0553      00:59:10:21      00:59:12:14

Go get it.

 

0554      00:59:15:08      00:59:19:06

That was fun, wasn't it?

We have so much fun together.

 

0555      00:59:19:09      00:59:21:21

We have fun together, don't we, old boy?

 

0556      00:59:22:17      00:59:25:14

Oh golly.

 

0557      00:59:29:07      00:59:32:06

Sure, many people will think I'm an asshole.

 

0558      00:59:32:09      00:59:36:03

And to some extent I can agree with them.

 

0559      00:59:37:07      00:59:43:20

But that softie bullshit of showing

consideration and understanding each other.

 

0560      00:59:43:23      00:59:47:24

I can't do that yet,

I'm still learning how to do that.

 

0561      00:59:48:02      00:59:51:09

It's coming to the surface again.

 

0562      00:59:51:12      00:59:56:12

I've been like this for a while now,

but I can feel the lion inside screaming:

 

0563      00:59:56:15      01:00:00:11

"No! I don't want this! I want my gun!"

 

0564      01:00:00:14      01:00:04:21

"I want back into the action!

I don't want to be nice!" You know?

 

0565      01:00:08:08      01:00:11:02

But it stays...

 

0566      01:00:17:06      01:00:20:08

It happens only when I'm...

 

0567      01:00:20:11      01:00:26:01

Look, if I feel that I'm right about something

and someone starts lying to me...

 

0568      01:00:26:04      01:00:30:24

There's some issue and someone

is sitting there, lying to my face.

 

0569      01:00:31:19      01:00:35:05

Other people might keep on

discussing the issue.

 

0570      01:00:35:08      01:00:39:24

But doing that makes me sick.

Instead the lion in me starts roaring:

 

0571      01:00:40:02      01:00:45:03

"I am right, you bastard. I'm gonna

bust your head in if you don't listen."

 

0572      01:00:45:06      01:00:48:08

Rather than: "Yes, I can see

your point of view..."

 

0573      01:00:48:11      01:00:53:13

"...but we should be thinking differently

in order to see it in its right blabla..."

 

0574      01:00:53:16      01:00:55:24

I can't do that yet. I'm still like:

 

0575      01:00:56:02      01:01:00:10

"I'll smack you around so you understand

that I'm on to your lies."

 

0576      01:01:01:05      01:01:04:18

"You fucking idiot."

You know what I mean?

 

0577      01:01:07:17      01:01:10:03

You have to be hard on other criminals.

 

0578      01:01:10:06      01:01:14:10

You can't start chatting with them.

You have to shoot them in the knees.

 

0579      01:01:15:15      01:01:18:17

Shoot them in the knees

to cut them down to size.

 

0580      01:01:27:24      01:01:30:13

Loki, come here.

 

0581      01:01:33:02      01:01:34:10

Careful.

 

0582      01:01:34:13      01:01:35:23

Good boy.

 

0583      01:02:09:08      01:02:14:19

June 25th. Hot conditions.

Viggo resurfaced.

 

0584      01:02:14:22      01:02:17:18

It turned out he'd been to France.

 

0585      01:02:20:11      01:02:25:17

He brought a pile of money

which he put in front of us.

 

0586      01:02:26:20      01:02:28:14

I remember.

 

0587      01:02:29:04      01:02:31:20

180.000 guilders.

 

0588      01:02:32:07      01:02:35:04

I was terrified when I saw it.

 

0589      01:02:36:22      01:02:39:00

Where on earth did he get it?

 

0590      01:02:51:02      01:02:55:06

At first we were trafficking

the heavy stuff, hard drugs.

 

0591      01:02:55:09      01:03:00:10

But we didn't like that,

we were traffickers, not criminals.

 

0592      01:03:00:13      01:03:04:10

We wanted to traffic hash,

but we had never sailed before.

 

0593      01:03:04:13      01:03:07:20

I'd done inland sailing with my Dad,

but never at sea.

 

0594      01:03:12:18      01:03:16:09

So suddenly we had to sail

from Amsterdam...

 

0595      01:03:16:21      01:03:20:06

...to Malaga, non-stop.

 

0596      01:03:22:16      01:03:24:10

Well, we nearly drowned.

 

0597      01:03:24:13      01:03:27:17

At Sole Bank we ended up

in a force 11 storm.

 

0598      01:03:27:20      01:03:31:04

It turned into a horrendous journey.

 

0599      01:03:31:07      01:03:33:22

But it taught us how to sail the sea.

 

0600      01:03:37:09      01:03:40:15

Each trip made us 600.000 guilders.

 

0601      01:03:53:20      01:03:56:16

But we had to fight some battles too.

 

0602      01:03:57:11      01:04:00:07

When we were working for Klaas,

for instance.

 

0603      01:04:01:07      01:04:04:13

Bruinsma?

- Klaas Bruinsma. He had four boats...

 

0604      01:04:04:16      01:04:08:20

...ours among them. Once

we had to pick up 1000 kilos for him.

 

0605      01:04:08:23      01:04:10:20

They were all shit scared of Klaas.

 

0606      01:04:10:23      01:04:14:10

On arrival you had to unload the stuff

and give it to him.

 

0607      01:04:14:13      01:04:18:09

You wouldn't get your money

until he had sold the stuff.

 

0608      01:04:18:12      01:04:21:03

No one dared to challenge him on this.

 

0609      01:04:21:06      01:04:24:17

When we arrived with our 1000 kilos

we told him:

 

0610      01:04:24:20      01:04:28:03

"We want our money."

"You'll get it later," he said.

 

0611      01:04:28:06      01:04:31:12

"No way," we said,

and we cast off and sailed off.

 

0612      01:04:31:15      01:04:34:13

Which is taking a risk,

as you're still on that boat.

 

0613      01:04:34:16      01:04:37:14

We said: "We're coming back

when you've got the cash."

 

0614      01:04:37:17      01:04:39:22

And we just sailed off.

 

0615      01:04:40:18      01:04:43:21

Klaas didn't know what was

happening to him, he went crazy.

 

0616      01:04:44:08      01:04:46:24

He put some dodgy characters on my trail...

 

0617      01:04:47:02      01:04:50:18

...so I had to surround myself

with even dodgier characters.

 

0618      01:04:50:21      01:04:54:03

So I walked around

with an army of Chechens.

 

0619      01:05:07:06      01:05:11:04

Need some hash?

Just come in from Spain.

 

0620      01:05:17:18      01:05:21:02

Don't you miss the thrill of it?

- Very much so.

 

0621      01:05:21:05      01:05:24:08

Anybody can understand you miss the thrill.

 

0622      01:05:25:00      01:05:31:20

That's what I mean. This boredom of

nothing happening and no one chasing you.

 

0623      01:05:31:23      01:05:33:19

No one's looking for you.

 

0624      01:05:34:00      01:05:37:24

I feel exposed

because I'm not carrying my gun.

 

0625      01:05:38:02      01:05:41:16

A gun used to be like a wallet to me.

 

0626      01:05:42:06      01:05:46:12

You know. Just the feel of it.

It was the most normal thing.

 

0627      01:05:46:15      01:05:49:07

"Viggo always has a pistol around."

 

0628      01:05:50:08      01:05:54:10

I never left the house without my gun.

But it's been some time now.

 

0629      01:05:54:13      01:05:58:19

Sometimes I just miss

feeling the weight of the thing.

 

0630      01:05:58:22      01:06:01:15

That great feeling of packing a gun.

 

0631      01:06:01:18      01:06:06:06

It's like an addiction.

It feels so good.

 

0632      01:06:20:03      01:06:25:01

RUSSIAN WOMEN

 

0633      01:06:46:10      01:06:49:09

Want some coffee?

- No, tea.

 

0634      01:06:51:19      01:06:54:05

Herbal tea. You have that?

 

0635      01:06:54:08      01:06:58:04

I've got... Let's see...

- I brought my own.

 

0636      01:07:05:23      01:07:09:11

You used to get pity,

to be the centre of attention...

 

0637      01:07:09:14      01:07:12:09

...because you had this thing with your feet.

 

0638      01:07:12:12      01:07:16:16

Now it's almost like you're back to craving

pity and being the centre of attention...

 

0639      01:07:16:19      01:07:19:20

...because of your pancreatitis.

 

0640      01:07:19:23      01:07:23:19

I'm not being pampered by care.

I've been on my own here for a month.

 

0641      01:07:23:22      01:07:28:02

You sound like you think

I put spells on people or something.

 

0642      01:07:28:05      01:07:30:21

Acting pitiful to get attention.

 

0643      01:07:30:24      01:07:34:10

You know what, Kirsten,

it's got to the point now...

 

0644      01:07:34:13      01:07:37:09

...that when I'm with you...

 

0645      01:07:37:12      01:07:39:21

...I don't know how to behave.

 

0646      01:07:39:24      01:07:43:20

You don't realize

how fierce your reactions are.

 

0647      01:07:44:08      01:07:48:02

Do you know what I'm saying?

Or am I saying it wrong?

 

0648      01:07:49:16      01:07:52:05

I don't know if you're saying it wrong.

 

0649      01:07:52:18      01:07:56:09

But I'm stunned by what you just said.

 

0650      01:07:56:12      01:08:02:07

You're saying you can't be yourself

around me.

 

0651      01:08:02:10      01:08:06:18

And you're just controlling yourself...

 

0652      01:08:06:21      01:08:09:24

...because you're scared

of my reaction to you.

 

0653      01:08:10:02      01:08:13:07

In case you hadn't noticed,

there's been little contact lately.

 

0654      01:08:13:10      01:08:16:08

That's because I don't want

to burden you with it...

 

0655      01:08:16:11      01:08:19:17

...and because of what happened.

 

0656      01:08:19:20      01:08:24:18

You don't realize how you rude you can get.

You're calling me pitiful and...

 

0657      01:08:24:21      01:08:28:02

I've had enough of this.

I don't need any of this.

 

0658      01:08:28:05      01:08:31:01

I don't want to hear this kind of...

 

0659      01:08:31:04      01:08:34:06

Who's the rude one here?

I've never ever been rude.

 

0660      01:08:34:09      01:08:38:06

And this is what I mean.

No matter what I do...

 

0661      01:08:38:09      01:08:41:18

...no matter how much I'm there for people...

 

0662      01:08:43:20      01:08:47:20

....sooner or later I'll do something wrong

and then it's...

 

0663      01:08:47:23      01:08:53:05

But darling, that's the same for everyone.

It's not a big deal.

 

0664      01:08:53:08      01:08:59:08

Viggo, let me finish what I want to say!

Stop interrupting me.

 

0665      01:09:00:06      01:09:03:10

You're only thinking

about your side of the story.

 

0666      01:09:03:13      01:09:07:11

All you are doing

is trying to negate my story.

 

0667      01:09:07:14      01:09:10:24

And impose your way of seeing it.

 

0668      01:09:11:20      01:09:14:01

As soon as I put a foot wrong...

 

0669      01:09:16:06      01:09:18:17

...I'm sent back to my cage.

 

0670      01:09:18:20      01:09:22:02

You've got a huge complex about this.

You need help.

 

0671      01:09:22:05      01:09:26:00

That's got nothing to do with it.

- Feeling you're being sent back...

 

0672      01:09:26:03      01:09:29:02

...to your cage all the time by everybody.

 

0673      01:09:29:05      01:09:31:07

Don't tell me I need help.

 

0674      01:09:31:10      01:09:33:17

You've got a huge problem, darling.

 

0675      01:09:33:20      01:09:38:17

You're always hearing people sending you

back to your cage or locking you out.

 

0676      01:09:38:20      01:09:42:04

But you're wrong. I'm not

sending you back to your cage.

 

0677      01:09:42:07      01:09:46:23

As soon as I say something, you go:

"You all do this to me, the whole family."

 

0678      01:09:47:01      01:09:51:16

"Sending me back to my cage as soon as

I fail." That's all I ever hear from you.

 

0679      01:10:19:11      01:10:23:22

Apparently someone has a big client

somewhere once in a while.

 

0680      01:10:24:00      01:10:27:22

Last time this Russian guy

suddenly walked in.

 

0681      01:10:28:00      01:10:31:19

It fell through because we

couldn't agree on a price.

 

0682      01:10:31:22      01:10:36:13

But he was ready to buy, I don't know,

 a million bucks worth of rocks.

 

0683      01:10:36:16      01:10:40:11

The estate agent came into it too.

The deal was all set up.

 

0684      01:10:40:14      01:10:43:07

But the guy thought the price was too high.

 

0685      01:10:43:10      01:10:48:01

So we can actually do this, it's possible.

 

0686      01:10:48:18      01:10:53:06

Just text me a safe number

and I'll call you. Ciao.

 

0687      01:11:06:24      01:11:11:14

Viggo, they're going to rip us.

- How can they rip us?

 

0688      01:11:11:17      01:11:15:02

We could rip them, but they can't rip us.

 

0689      01:11:15:05      01:11:21:03

They're giving us things, then we come back

with rocks. So they can't rip us.

 

0690      01:11:21:06      01:11:24:01

All right then.

- They can't rip us.

 

0691      01:11:25:12      01:11:29:14

All right, man.

- Not as I see it.

 

0692      01:11:30:24      01:11:34:08

I'll keep you posted.

- Okay, man.

 

0693      01:11:34:11      01:11:35:23

Catch you later.

 

0694      01:11:36:17      01:11:38:08

See you later, Vig.

 

0695      01:11:53:18      01:11:54:24

Yeah.

 

0696      01:12:02:15      01:12:05:21

Yes, I think this will be a tense affair.

 

0697      01:12:07:15      01:12:10:18

For me this will be anxious.

 

0698      01:12:11:15      01:12:14:19

This deal can't take place without me.

 

0699      01:12:20:10      01:12:24:18

I can't be involved in this,

but I can't pull out anymore either.

 

0700      01:12:27:00      01:12:31:19

I won't be taken seriously if I get involved

in a large criminal deal.

 

0701      01:12:31:22      01:12:36:23

This is not a one-off, this is a multiple deal.

This means cashing in.

 

0702      01:12:40:23      01:12:43:18

But my credibility is at stake.

 

0703      01:12:44:11      01:12:49:06

I can end up in jail or with lots of cash,

but not with respect.

 

0704      01:12:50:18      01:12:53:18

If I do this, I can't be a psychotherapist.

 

0705      01:12:53:21      01:12:56:09

I'll be in trouble with Kirsten,

so I can't do this.

 

0706      01:12:56:12      01:12:59:15

But I have to,

because I can't let them down either.

 

0707      01:12:59:18      01:13:03:00

So I can set the whole thing up.

 

0708      01:13:03:03      01:13:09:03

But after that I'll have to say: "Guys, I'm out.

And I don't want any of the profits."

 

0709      01:13:41:22      01:13:45:16

Come, Loki. We're going to bring

the master his sandwich.

 

0710      01:13:46:13      01:13:50:22

Loki can't have any of it.

Nothing at all.

 

0711      01:13:52:01      01:13:54:18

Do you like that?

 I didn't put too much butter on it.

 

0712      01:13:54:21      01:13:58:11

Thanks.

- And a nice cup of coffee.

 

0713      01:13:59:00      01:14:00:17

How many sugars?

- Well...

 

0714      01:14:00:20      01:14:03:14

Two? One?

- Two. Is that okay?

 

0715      01:14:03:17      01:14:07:00

It's not too many?

- No. Thank you.

 

0716      01:14:07:03      01:14:11:13

I have to continue working,

I'm right in the middle of it.

 

0717      01:14:11:16      01:14:14:11

But you're okay?

- Yes, fine.

 

0718      01:14:14:14      01:14:17:00

All right then, little man.

- Bye.

 

0719      01:14:20:18      01:14:23:22

I'm not a little man.

- I'm sorry, Viggo.

 

0720      01:14:25:18      01:14:29:01

I can't help myself

with that kind of thing. Sorry.

 

0721      01:14:42:10      01:14:45:01

I'm going to take up this study, you know.

 

0722      01:14:45:04      01:14:47:08

I've paid the fees.

 

0723      01:14:48:21      01:14:54:23

But if for some reason I can't do it,

because I get too ill or whatever...

 

0724      01:14:55:14      01:15:01:21

...or I fail because my condition interferes

and I fall behind...

 

0725      01:15:03:01      01:15:06:06

...then I'll have nothing to fall back on.

 

0726      01:15:06:09      01:15:11:09

Then some subconscious thing

will surreptitiously push me...

 

0727      01:15:13:08      01:15:15:05

...towards my old life.

 

0728      01:15:15:21      01:15:18:11

No, I don't...

- You can't understand that.

 

0729      01:15:18:14      01:15:23:04

Dick wanted to set up something with me

in case it doesn't work out.

 

0730      01:15:23:07      01:15:27:23

But I said: No, I don't want that.

I just want to pursue my studies.

 

0731      01:15:28:01      01:15:32:08

I don't want to know I can fall back

on something I want to get away from.

 

0732      01:15:32:11      01:15:34:06

So I didn't take up his offer.

 

0733      01:15:34:09      01:15:37:03

Dick was impressed. He said:

"Then I'll pay your fees."

 

0734      01:15:37:06      01:15:39:13

So he threw down the cash for the fees.

 

0735      01:15:39:16      01:15:44:00

"Don't give it to me," I said. "Transfer it

 to the university where I can't reach it."

 

0736      01:15:44:03      01:15:48:04

"I don't want to have the option

of starting a pot farm."

 

0737      01:15:48:07      01:15:51:16

Or he gave it to you with the intention...

 

0738      01:15:51:19      01:15:54:14

No, he didn't.

 

0739      01:16:11:02      01:16:13:04

LONDON AT A GLANCE

 

0740      01:16:16:18      01:16:21:02

At some stage the three of us, Vonnie,

Dad and I, were living at home together.

 

0741      01:16:21:05      01:16:22:22

There were few limits.

 

0742      01:16:23:05      01:16:26:12

I was free.

We were allowed to handle the guns.

 

0743      01:16:27:24      01:16:30:11

We had a kind of pact against the rest.

 

0744      01:16:31:20      01:16:34:11

Then, suddenly, I was shut out.

 

0745      01:16:51:16      01:16:53:00

I was 21.

 

0746      01:16:53:20      01:16:56:06

I got pregnant by Dad.

 

0747      01:16:59:03      01:17:02:24

Dad arranged for it to be aborted.

 

0748      01:17:11:09      01:17:16:04

There was no way we could have it

in the family. It had to go.

 

0749      01:17:18:09      01:17:23:02

I'M CRAZY

I'M SUCH AN IDIOT

 

0750      01:17:33:11      01:17:37:21

We went to Germany over Whitsun,

to Sachsenheim.

 

0751      01:17:37:24      01:17:40:20

We camped out there.

 

0752      01:17:40:23      01:17:44:16

Dad and I buried the child there together.

 

0753      01:17:49:13      01:17:52:02

I was really cut-up about it.

 

0754      01:17:54:05      01:17:57:19

But I thought: There's one thing

I won't be denied...

 

0755      01:17:57:22      01:18:02:03

...and that's motherhood.

I couldn't bear that.

 

0756      01:18:03:08      01:18:09:00

Sissy has on her cradle curtain

 

0757      01:18:09:03      01:18:14:17

pretty flowers big and small

 

0758      01:18:14:20      01:18:20:09

lots of daisies and violets blue

 

0759      01:18:20:12      01:18:26:16

lilacs pink and jasmine white

 

0760      01:18:27:21      01:18:32:22

So then Dieuweke was born.

It was the happiest day of my life.

 

0761      01:18:41:18      01:18:43:23

I was chased from my den.

 

0762      01:18:44:01      01:18:50:07

I remember I had a couple of problems

at the time and I wanted my Dad's attention.

 

0763      01:18:50:10      01:18:54:06

But he was only interested

in Dieuweke and Vonnie.

 

0764      01:18:59:07      01:19:02:23

There were moments when Dad,

and you too...

 

0765      01:19:03:22      01:19:05:23

...were completely...

 

0766      01:19:06:01      01:19:08:18

At first, the three of us

had a kind of pact, right?

 

0767      01:19:08:21      01:19:14:14

We went on holiday together, we boozed and

played poker, we had that couch upstairs.

 

0768      01:19:14:17      01:19:16:20

We had a pact together.

 

0769      01:19:16:23      01:19:20:13

Everyone was against us, because

you were with Dad, but we didn't mind.

 

0770      01:19:20:16      01:19:25:12

It was the three of us against

the outside world. "Leave us alone."

 

0771      01:19:26:19      01:19:29:10

Then Dieuweke was born.

- Then of course...

 

0772      01:19:29:13      01:19:31:19

Then Dad turned... Listen to me!

 

0773      01:19:32:20      01:19:36:08

Dad turned away from everything

when that happened.

 

0774      01:19:36:11      01:19:40:09

I couldn't deal with that,

so I started to demand his attention.

 

0775      01:19:40:12      01:19:42:08

Listen to me!

 

0776      01:19:42:11      01:19:47:16

I started to demand his attention.

I got jealous. "Dammit, this isn't fair."

 

0777      01:19:47:19      01:19:49:23

So I began to use lots of heroin.

 

0778      01:19:50:01      01:19:53:14

Then I went up to Dad and said:

"Dad, I'm hooked."

 

0779      01:19:53:17      01:19:57:23

"I need your help, Dad. I'm hooked

on smack, I need to talk to you."

 

0780      01:19:58:01      01:20:01:06

And Dad said:

"Right, but where's little Von?"

 

0781      01:20:01:09      01:20:06:17

I said: "Did you hear what I just said? I'm

a junkie, I need to talk to you. I could die."

 

0782      01:20:06:20      01:20:10:13

"Yes, I hear you, but it's five past five

and Von should have been home by now."

 

0783      01:20:10:16      01:20:13:14

"Where is she? What's keeping her?"

 

0784      01:20:13:17      01:20:17:16

I said: "Dad, don't you see?

I'm hooked on horse, I'm confused."

 

0785      01:20:17:19      01:20:20:10

"I'm out on the street, I need your help."

 

0786      01:20:20:13      01:20:24:20

He got up and walked out onto the balcony,

to see if you might be coming.

 

0787      01:20:26:04      01:20:29:22

That's when I decided I'd had enough.

 

0788      01:20:30:00      01:20:34:15

I hadn't really gone all-out criminal yet,

I was still pissing around.

 

0789      01:20:34:18      01:20:37:24

I hadn't yet stopped caring altogether.

 

0790      01:20:38:02      01:20:40:07

I hadn't yet put a pistol in my pocket.

 

0791      01:20:40:10      01:20:42:14

A pistol in your pocket?

- Yes.

 

0792      01:20:44:11      01:20:46:18

What pistol? Dad's, I guess.

 

0793      01:20:46:21      01:20:50:23

I had my own pistol after a while, but...

- You had a pistol?

 

0794      01:20:53:04      01:20:55:19

I'm sorry, but this is going too far.

 

0795      01:20:57:04      01:20:59:21

All right, cut. I don't need this crap.

 

0796      01:20:59:24      01:21:03:04

Get real, Von!

Of course I never had a pistol.

 

0797      01:21:03:07      01:21:06:16

Did you ever see me with a pistol?

You can't be serious!

 

0798      01:21:06:19      01:21:09:09

Viggo, listen.

- Did I have a gun?

 

0799      01:21:09:12      01:21:13:02

Like hell you didn't know.

I had an Uzi in my cupboard.

 

0800      01:21:13:05      01:21:16:18

"You had a pistol?"

The whole house was riddled with guns.

 

0801      01:21:16:21      01:21:20:19

Remember my birthday party when they were

firing shots from the upstairs window?

 

0802      01:21:20:22      01:21:25:06

All those guys firing machine guns

from the window.

 

0803      01:21:31:19      01:21:33:23

I was 16, 17 years old.

 

0804      01:21:35:19      01:21:39:13

It was the booze, of course.

We were plastered every day.

 

0805      01:21:39:16      01:21:46:10

If I wanted something, I made sure you were 

drunk within ten minutes and I could...

 

0806      01:21:46:13      01:21:49:04

I drove Dad's car into town when I was 16.

 

0807      01:21:50:11      01:21:53:24

I drove his car into town

to pick you up from the pub...

 

0808      01:21:54:02      01:21:56:23

...when I was only 17

and didn't have a licence.

 

0809      01:21:58:08      01:22:00:00

You must know this.

 

0810      01:22:03:14      01:22:08:02

It didn't matter what I did.

He was only interested in you. Period.

 

0811      01:22:08:05      01:22:12:12

It didn't matter if I turned up with a bunch

of criminals, drove his car...

 

0812      01:22:12:15      01:22:15:24

...fired guns from windows, whatever.

 

0813      01:22:16:02      01:22:21:07

Because I did all of that.

- I think that's really terrible.

 

0814      01:22:21:10      01:22:26:20

And yes, he only had eyes for me,

which I found pretty annoying too, actually.

 

0815      01:22:28:00      01:22:31:18

Maybe he suffered from

a kind of separation anxiety...

 

0816      01:22:31:21      01:22:34:17

...causing him to neglect you.

 

0817      01:22:34:20      01:22:39:13

I mean...

- I think it played tricks on him.

 

0818      01:22:39:16      01:22:41:06

It went further and further...

 

0819      01:22:41:09      01:22:46:11

...making me ruder and ruder

and ever more miserable.

 

0820      01:22:46:14      01:22:50:05

I did more and more things

to get noticed by him.

 

0821      01:22:50:08      01:22:52:23

It was just really...

 

0822      01:23:18:18      01:23:24:10

We have gathered here today

to say farewell to Mr. Thije Kok.

 

0823      01:23:24:13      01:23:28:14

His daughter Yvonne

would like to say a few words.

 

0824      01:23:45:16      01:23:47:09

Dear Dad.

 

0825      01:23:47:12      01:23:53:04

There were many things I never

understood, but I did love you dearly.

 

0826      01:23:54:07      01:23:57:13

You were my tower of strength.

 

0827      01:23:57:16      01:24:00:13

A striking personality.

 

0828      01:24:00:16      01:24:05:23

A resistance fighter and a soldier

in heart and soul with an iron will.

 

0829      01:24:06:01      01:24:09:07

Yet a romantic too, a dreamer.

 

0830      01:24:10:04      01:24:12:19

You could sit and stare for hours...

 

0831      01:24:12:22      01:24:16:17

...contemplating all kinds of things

when I asked you about them.

 

0832      01:24:16:20      01:24:18:05

You loved the autumn...

 

0833      01:24:18:08      01:24:22:08

...because it contains the seeds

of new life next spring.

 

0834      01:24:22:11      01:24:25:05

"Look at those buds

on trees and bushes..."

 

0835      01:24:25:08      01:24:28:12

This is all make-believe.

 

0836      01:24:29:04      01:24:34:12

Should I tell her or should I just leave it?

Do you want to hear this when you're 72?

 

0837      01:24:36:23      01:24:39:18

I don't want to ruin Dad for Vonnie.

 

0838      01:24:39:21      01:24:42:10

I'd really rather not have found out.

 

0839      01:24:43:06      01:24:45:07

Your home was your castle.

 

0840      01:24:46:13      01:24:49:24

In your final years,

you became increasingly bitter.

 

0841      01:24:50:02      01:24:54:08

You got more and more isolated

because you felt misunderstood.

 

0842      01:24:55:22      01:24:58:20

I think he was caught up in his own lies.

 

0843      01:24:58:23      01:25:03:22

That's why he was silent

during those final years.

 

0844      01:25:04:00      01:25:08:05

I can see now why he was always silent

and just sat there in his chair.

 

0845      01:25:08:08      01:25:12:10

You were so sad and you cried a lot,

especially towards the end.

 

0846      01:25:12:13      01:25:15:21

So many things happened,

one after the other...

 

0847      01:25:15:24      01:25:21:19

...which I question more and more

as I get older.

 

0848      01:25:22:06      01:25:27:02

"How on earth could that happen?

It's still beyond me."

 

0849      01:25:30:10      01:25:34:00

But then what's the point

of stirring it all up again?

 

0850      01:25:35:06      01:25:41:12

With regard to Dad it does feel a little

as if I'm spilling the beans.

 

0851      01:25:41:16      01:25:43:19

Something like that.

- To who?

 

0852      01:25:43:22      01:25:48:01

To the world... To everyone.

 

0853      01:25:52:14      01:25:57:05

Ladies and gentlemen, if any of you

wants to add a few words...

 

0854      01:25:57:08      01:26:00:05

...I'm inviting you to step forward now.

 

0855      01:26:46:07      01:26:49:15

The more I'm finding out in my research...

 

0856      01:26:50:17      01:26:53:02

...the more disappointed I get.

 

0857      01:26:57:01      01:26:59:17

Dad and I are so much alike.

 

0858      01:27:02:04      01:27:04:22

And I'm thinking to myself:

 

0859      01:27:06:11      01:27:08:03

So who is Viggo?

 

0860      01:27:14:15      01:27:20:16

I would like to have a nice

family get-together.

 

0861      01:27:20:19      01:27:25:05

I guess it won't happen,

but I would like it very much.

 

0862      01:27:25:08      01:27:31:07

I'd love to have a family Christmas or

a family weekend in some rented cottage.

 

0863      01:27:31:10      01:27:34:19

I guess it won't happen,

but I would like it very much.

 

0864      01:27:45:03      01:27:50:13

Since you rang me three years ago

after all those years to renew our contact...

 

0865      01:27:50:16      01:27:56:21

...I've done everything I could

to have a brother-sister relationship...

 

0866      01:27:56:24      01:28:01:19

...rather than being your therapist

or your carer.

 

0867      01:28:01:22      01:28:04:24

I just want to be your sister. Nothing else.

 

0868      01:28:06:04      01:28:12:01

I don't want to get into the same pattern

as all the other members of our family.

 

0869      01:28:12:13      01:28:18:00

We can break out of this, you and I,

we can change, we can put an end to it.

 

0870      01:28:21:09      01:28:23:15

We can change it.

 

0871      01:28:25:04      01:28:29:02

But we can never be the brother

and sister we were back then.

 

0872      01:28:29:20      01:28:32:20

We can't be like that anymore.

 

0873      01:28:32:23      01:28:38:13

We've been apart too long and we've gone

through things that were just too weird.

 

0874      01:28:58:14      01:29:01:04

Academy for Psychodynamics

 

0875      01:29:01:07      01:29:04:11

I've been out of the "wrong world"

for four years now.

 

0876      01:29:04:14      01:29:09:12

I've realized that my whole life will have been

wasted if I don't do something with it.

 

0877      01:29:09:15      01:29:13:17

And if I see Kirsten on her little island,

always on the outside...

 

0878      01:29:13:20      01:29:15:13

...I feel very guilty.

 

0879      01:29:15:16      01:29:20:09

Kirsten retreated to her island

and you stopped having feelings.

 

0880      01:29:20:12      01:29:24:00

It's still like that.

It's like I pretend I have feelings.

 

0881      01:29:25:21      01:29:28:13

I'm acting my feelings.

 

0882      01:29:28:16      01:29:33:01

Yet I can sense a desire to have feelings.

 

0883      01:29:34:15      01:29:36:14

Or am I wrong?

 

0884      01:29:38:12      01:29:40:03

Of course you're right.

 

0885      01:29:41:07      01:29:45:18

I don't want to be who I am.

Or, I don't want to be who I have become.

 

0886      01:29:45:21      01:29:47:18

I want to be who I was.

 

0887      01:29:48:15      01:29:51:18

I'm a very sweet and sensitive boy, really.

 

0888      01:29:52:20      01:29:56:12

But I act like a mean, nasty asshole.

 

0889      01:29:58:07      01:30:03:20

You see? It's what I've become.

But somehow I just can't reverse it.