Muội

Transcript

Amy Miller

 

 

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My name is Hồng Muội.

 

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I was born and raised in Nha Trang.

 

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I often tell myself

 

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that until my late 30s

 

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I will dedicate myself to dancing.

 

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I’ll still dance as long as

my health permits.

 

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If not, after that, when I turn 40,

I could become a photographer.

 

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My dream is to do art.

 

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That sounds easy,

but doing it is difficult.

 

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In Vietnam there are many obstacles

 

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for those who want

to live their own lives

 

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and be able to make

a living from their passion.

 

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However, I still love Vietnam,

 

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and I believe I can do it.

 

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Yes, that's a leaf.

 

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Yes, upward lifting stroke.

 

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Orange.

 

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Orange.

 

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That’s an orange.

 

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No, the orange is right here.

 

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Right here. Did you see it?

 

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What fruit is this?

 

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Oh my gosh, you haven’t used

up this piece yet,

 

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you’ve already used another!

 

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There’s a ...

 

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What fruit is that?

 

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That’s a lemon.

 

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A lemon.

 

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A mango.

 

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I’ll write “mango.”

 

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I chose to be a single mother.

 

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I thought that escaping from

a bad relationship,

 

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I would have a better future.

 

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I have dedicated time and

 

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effort during the past

few years to raising my child.

 

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And I hope that when she grows up

 

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she can be a successful student,

 

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find her dream job,

 

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and have a better life than mine.

 

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Nam, can you count numbers for mommy?

 

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Nam!

 

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Currently, I feel satisfied

with this place,

 

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although I live in a small space.

 

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I like living in this place

 

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because I am not only

afraid of narrow spaces,

 

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but I am also afraid of

large spaces too,

 

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so I think this place is cozy

and safe enough for me.

 

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And even if the neighborhood

where I’m living at the moment

 

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is kind of a ghetto part of the city

 

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where there are many drug addicts,

 

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I think that if I don’t harm anyone

 

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then nobody will bother me.

 

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So I just live my life.

 

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I am friendly with everyone,

 

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so it’s okay living here

for my daughter and me.

 

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Without a mother by my side,

 

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back then I became a tomboy.

 

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I would only play with the boys

living in the village,

 

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and together, we disturbed

the entire neighborhood.

 

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Everyone is familiar

with the path of social evils,

 

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delinquency, drugs,

and other bad stuff.

 

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At that time, I was slipping

dangerously into that world,

 

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but I feel that I am lucky,

 

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because around that time I read a post

 

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on the website of a dance group

 

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that was looking to

recruit a new member.

 

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So I joined them.

 

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Ever since that day

 

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I felt like my life became meaningful.

 

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I got into hip hop dancing

with the passion of a young kid,

 

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and I have been following hip hop

 

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for over 15 years now.

 

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That is quite a memorable

milestone for me.

 

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When I was growing up, people told me

 

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that I had a “walking leg,”

meaning that I liked to walk,

 

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that I couldn't stand staying at home.

 

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I only stay at home when I feel sleepy.

 

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Most of my day after

I wake up in the morning,

 

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the thought of going outside

always comes up.

 

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I can walk all day, I don't get tired.

 

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Quite a few people have asked

why they always see me

 

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in the streets, backpacking,

 

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walking in the streets, like a wanderer,

 

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like a vagrant, like a homeless person.

 

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It’s because I like it, I just do it,

 

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for no particular reason.

 

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I tried to study hard

 

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but I found out that what

I loved was doing art.

 

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I love singing, I love dancing.

 

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I love to draw.

 

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I love to travel.

 

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I don't like a life that is confined

 

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to a structure like the school,

 

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where the teacher teaches like a robot.

 

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The way they teach the kids,

it makes them all become the same.

 

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When I was a little bit older,

 

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I finally left school.

 

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I dropped out

of school because

 

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it just wasn’t interesting

to me any longer.

 

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I don't understand why in Vietnam,

 

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it is so important for parents

 

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that their children must be

good at school.

 

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Even though their children

are not good students,

 

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they can still do many different things

 

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and find a role in society.

 

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Yet, they don’t care.

 

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I traveled around Vietnam, doing what

the Vietnamese call “đi phượt,”

 

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riding on a motorbike

to visit many places, such as

 

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Đà Lạt, Buôn Ma Thuột, Đắk Lắk,

Saigon, Huế, Đà Nẵng,

 

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and Hanoi.

 

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I really liked it, although

it was a bit tiring.

 

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I had a feeling that

I could enjoy this life.

 

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It makes me want to experience it all.

 

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I really like to go to Đà Lạt

with my lover, Anh.

 

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We met each other

for the first time in Đà Lạt.

 

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Having a place called home,

 

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making good friends,

 

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having a partner and a daughter

by my side, all that is my happiness.

 

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In Vietnam, at the age of 27,

 

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people think you are

close to middle age,

 

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and they keep nagging me

about my life choices.

 

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There’s a Vietnamese idiom

 

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“An old bamboo tree makes young shoots."

 

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Meaning when the old generations

like us are gone,

 

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the younger ones will replace us.

 

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Some of my friends were encouraging,

 

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and I should not be so pessimistic.

 

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I want to continue growing in hip hop,

 

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to assert myself more,

and who knows,

 

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maybe one day

I will have a lucky opportunity

 

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to go abroad

and go to school overseas,

 

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or be able to educate

myself somewhere else.

 

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I just want to live my own life.

 

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Life is different from what

we’ve been taught.

 

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Life teaches you how to live it,

 

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how to create more layers of masks

to cover your true face.

 

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My life has a lot

of negative sides.

 

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Some days I feel down for no reason.

 

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I smoke every day,

 

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I drink coffee every day,

 

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but to me, it is not really that bad.

 

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It actually helps me to chill out,

 

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because normally I tend to stress a lot.

 

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When I am around super

aggressive people,

 

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or show-off people,

 

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even when I’m in a hip hop contest

or in a dance studio,

 

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I feel anxious and panicked.

 

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So the only thing that can calm me down

 

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is a cigarette, a glass of beer,

or an alcoholic drink.

 

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Maybe I am not a rich person

in this society,

 

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maybe I am not a pretty person,

or very talented.

 

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But I believe I have something special,

 

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because at least, after all

the negative things

 

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about my family and myself,

I have found an ideal in life,

 

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which is to live for my

passion for hip hop.

 

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After my father and my mother

were divorced, I lived with my father.

 

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We moved to Đà Lạt

and that is where he met my stepmother.

 

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My stepmother raised me since

I was a little kid.

 

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I never knew she

wasn't my real mother.

 

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I always thought she was my real mother,

 

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because she took

good care of me,

 

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and truly loved me

like her own child.

 

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When I was in the first year

of primary school,

 

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my stepmother was diagnosed

with blood cancer,

 

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and the following summer

she passed away.

 

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After she passed away,

 

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my father had to be both

a father and a mother to me.

 

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I’ll burn half,

you’ll burn the rest.

 

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My father used violence to control

me when I was growing up.

 

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He was violent and abused me

psychologically and physically.

 

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I’ve been struggling with depression

 

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ever since my stepmother passed away.

 

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I have been extremely depressed

 

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and I've tried

to commit suicide many times.

 

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I feel like I am lucky.

 

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Actually, I don't know if I am lucky

 

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or if my life here

isn’t meant to end yet.

 

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There was a time that was very hard.

 

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I had many difficulties in life

and in relationships.

 

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My family was angry at me

 

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and forbade me from returning home.

 

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Instead of asking for help from others

 

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I decided to leave home.

 

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I would wander in the streets

all night, going here and there,

 

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but mostly I would go down to the beach

 

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and stare at the sea while it's quiet.

 

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This allows me to feel inner peace,

 

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because the world out there

is complicated and full of problems.

 

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I slept on the beach quite a few times.

 

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Each time, when I woke up,

 

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everyone was looking

at me like I was homeless.

 

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I asked myself how did I

end up like this?

 

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I blamed myself for everything.

 

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The beach became my shelter.

 

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At that time life was very

difficult for me.

 

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To everyone in my family,

on the side of my maternal family,

 

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people think I am a rogue.

 

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They always assume you are

a bad kid in this society,

 

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although they do not know

what their granddaughter is capable of.

 

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In this society, one is only valued

for their money,

 

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social position or status.

 

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That is one thing that makes me

very frustrated quite often.

 

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It is money that talks here.

For example,

 

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when I don't have money,

I don't have the right to speak.

 

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They say "you are too poor to ask,

 

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too poor to imitate,

too poor to demand.”

 

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I feel lucky that I have friends

who are not too old.

 

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I have younger sisters

who understand me,

 

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and behind the scenes, they root for me.

 

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I am like an older sister to her,

 

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because we’ve been

through similar life struggles,

 

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and now we support each other.

 

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I always wanted to have a sister,

and now I do have one.

 

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Vinpearl Land just held

a big casting event.

 

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They were looking for dancers and actors

 

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from all across Vietnam, north to south.

 

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On the day of casting, I overslept

and woke up too late.

 

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I had a second chance though,

 

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which was online casting,

 

00:23:03:08 - 00:23:06:13

during which I performed

my dance for the camera.

 

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When I got the official news

 

00:23:12:19 - 00:23:15:02

in November, that I would

start working there,

 

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I was like

 

00:23:16:07 - 00:23:20:21

“OMG! I’m going to work

at Vinpearl Land!”

 

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That job at Vinpearl Land gave me

a totally new experience.

 

00:23:33:29 - 00:23:37:00

There are rarely opportunities

for me to go there,

 

00:23:37:15 - 00:23:39:18

because I can’t afford the ticket

 

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and the cost of the trip for the day.

 

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In general, it's all new,

very new and different,

 

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compared to my previous work.

 

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It's a dream job that allows me

 

00:24:01:07 - 00:24:04:16

to pursue my passion for dancing.

 

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I was very excited.

 

00:24:28:29 - 00:24:30:16

While working at Vinpearl Land,

 

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I gained a lot of experience

 

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working with foreign choreographers,

 

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and working with professionals

 

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who are highly qualified.

 

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These people taught me and helped me

 

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improve my dancing skills.

 

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I am happy about that.

 

00:26:53:02 - 00:26:56:01

When the coronavirus, COVID-19,

 

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broke out in Vietnam

 

00:26:58:03 - 00:27:01:05

we had to stay home because

of the national lockdown.

 

00:27:02:08 - 00:27:07:21

It was a difficult time.

 

00:27:07:23 - 00:27:12:07

I was unemployed and just stayed

at home every day.

 

00:27:16:16 - 00:27:18:05

At that time,

 

00:27:18:07 - 00:27:24:04

I met a friend

who introduced me to photography.

 

00:27:24:06 - 00:27:28:11

Before, I only took pictures for fun,

 

00:27:28:14 - 00:27:31:24

but this friend helped me

step up to another level,

 

00:27:31:27 - 00:27:33:25

so I developed that passion.

 

00:27:34:15 - 00:27:37:26

Luckily, my friend

understood my situation

 

00:27:37:28 - 00:27:39:04

and kept supporting me.

 

00:27:39:08 - 00:27:41:13

He bought me a new camera,

 

00:27:42:23 - 00:27:47:20

and told me to follow my passion.

 

00:27:59:01 - 00:28:04:08

He said “I’ll help you at

the early stages of your career,

 

00:28:04:10 - 00:28:07:16

but you’ll have to learn

to stand on your feet sooner or later.”

 

00:28:10:29 - 00:28:12:02

I think I’m old,

 

00:28:12:18 - 00:28:15:01

but many of my friends say the opposite.

 

00:28:15:03 - 00:28:18:02

They encourage me

to reset my life again.

 

00:28:19:06 - 00:28:22:05

I am in that state right now.

 

00:28:22:16 - 00:28:24:25

I’m starting a photography

career from scratch,

 

00:28:24:27 - 00:28:28:05

I need to take each photo

 

00:28:28:08 - 00:28:30:03

with all of my heart.

 

00:28:31:21 - 00:28:35:12

I’m not really sure if could

make a living from photography.

 

00:28:35:14 - 00:28:38:14

I wonder how difficult it would be.

 

00:28:39:18 - 00:28:43:06

Is it as difficult as

making it as a dancer?

 

00:28:44:22 - 00:28:46:23

But I know that I will try my best.